Movie Review: DREAMGIRLS

OH.MY.GOD

Run to see this movie. Believe the hype about Jennifer Hudson. This movie was so incredibly good. I got to see it in the Dome at the Arclight (first time there, yay!) and it added to the experience.

The movie stealing Jennifer Hudson has her show stopping rendition of "I'm Telling You I'm Not Going" and by golly I sat there and just started to cry for the woman. Click below to listen to it!




If you dont know the story of DREAMGIRLS, this movie is actually a remake. In the original, Jennifer Holliday, played the role of Effie White and her rendition is considered the best. I found it and you can listen and compare for yourselves.

Those Last Minute Gifts

As I stood in line at Target last night, I looked around at everyone carrying potential Christmas (of Festivus) gifts, along with wrapping paper, candy, and decorations that will fill their heart with joy. I was thinking about how people go crazy to make the holidays "just right" for their families, friends, and themselves.

Then as I was paying for my items, I look at the guy behind me and it seemed like he had his priorities in order.

He only had two items to purchase - condoms and KY jelly.

Cock or Dick?

Justin Timberlake was the host on SNL a couple of nights ago and he did a digital short. In the spirit of Christmas, I'm sharing this holiday song. Enjoy! Its hilarious! I need to figure out how to put this as my new ringtone.

OH and be careful if you are at work - dont say I didnt warn ya.

A Gift For That Special Caveman In Your Life

One of my favorite coworkers, Kerry, found this "browsing" on Amazon and I just couldnt pass up the opportunity to entertain my readers.


THE MANGROOMER!

If this isnt good enough- they give you a pictorial that includes the picture on the right.

And the best part (I know, how can you get past the pictorial, right?), instructions on How the MANGROOMER Can Improve Your Life:

Look and Feel Clean and Manicured -- Eliminating unsightly back hair presents a more refined, clean image to others.
Confidence -- Increase your confidence knowing that you are "back hair free" and no one will be staring or snickering at you, or get turned off by unsightly back hair.
Romance -- Start up that spark in your relationship or marriage by surprising your partner with a smooth, sexy back.
Muscle Definition -- Shaving the hair off your back shows your muscle definition in much greater detail. You'll simply look in better shape after using the Mangroomer.
Sweat -- Keep your back shaved clean and help keep your back dry with less sweat and less chance for body odor.
First Impressions -- As the saying goes, you only get one chance to make a first impression. Don't let back hair ruin the image you are trying to project.
Summer Essentials -- When your shirt is off this summer, no back hair is a big plus. Whether you're at the beach or a pool party, use the Mangroomer to avoid embarrassing, hairy-back jokes.
Avoid Embarrassing Public Treatment Options -- With the Mangroomer you can shave your back privately, easily, quickly, painlessly, and inexpensively by yourself, in the comfort of your own home.

I can't pick my favorite reason...I wonder how the person who wrote the copy for this felt. I'm imagining it being a woman and having to ask her hairy coworkers for personal reasons to use this product. I'm loving this more and more.

My Secret Shame

There is a movie that I love to watch and I hate...HATE to admit it. I've started talking to my cousin about it and he laughs at me - its one of those "its so bad its good" movies. **cough**SHOWGIRLS**cough***

Well my fans in internet land - I have found something else to be shameful about and I'm not going to hide it. I love this song, I find myself humming it throughout the day at work. If I hear it on the radio, I sing along.

From me to you - Fergie with FERGILICIOUS

I'm a dumbass (again)

I manage to reiterate to the world that I can be a dumbass a few times yesterday, much to the enjoyment of my friend Iliana who was enjoying it way too much through IM as I sent her messages with updates of the situation.

Here is the story:
Last week, I needed to schedule a service call for the gas in my apartment. I received an email and I made a mental note that it was on Wednesday, Dec 13th. Tuesday morning I call my landlord and told him that I had made an appointment with the gas company and that if would let the service person into my apartment sometime between 9am - 12pm. Yay, great, no problem.

At about 12:30pm, I call the landlord and ask him if the gas man showed, the answer was NO. Well, those bastards! The landlord tells me that maybe he missed him and he'll go check to see if they left a note on my door. I told him not to bother that I'll call and reschedule for sometime next week. While on hold to talk to a representative, I pull up the email that confirmed my appointment. "We will be there on TUESDAY..." MOTHER EFFER!

Now - I realized that I missed my appointment, GREAT! So, about this time the representative answers the phone and asks how she can help me. I give her my details and tell her that I need to reschedule my service appointment. She said, "reschedule?" and I said, "yes" then I proceed to ramble on (like a dumbass) about how I missed the appointment because I thought it was today and I was too embarassed to tell my landlord that I had mistaken the day and would just like to reschedule. Then she says, "Ma'am, your appointment is for TUESDAY, DECEMBER 19th. Would you still like to reschedule?"

You know when you have one of those moments when you get this overwhelming urge to just get under the desk or disappear from the sheer horror of realizing that you are a dumbass? Yeah, that was me.

I moved it up a day to up to the chances of feeling that way again.

Never A Dull Moment With That Boy

Every morning, Jake and I listen to KROQ on the drive to work and today was no exception. They were replaying some favorite moments and they were talking about their annual tradition of calling QVC and buying whatever is on the screen at that moment for Lisa May (Kevin and Bean's gal pal if you dont listen). In the past, Lisa May has received some crappy gifts and was hoping for something better this time around. They called QVC and asked the representative what the item on the screen was - turned out that it was a television worth over $4,000. Kevin and Bean were outraged and (obviously) didnt want to pay. They eventually folded and agreed to make the purchase. Turned out it was all a hoax put on by Lisa May and Ralph (another show cohort).

So after laughing hysterically, I asked Jake if he understood what happened and he said sort of.

So this is the conversation:

Me: "Ok, first do you know what QVC is?"
Jake: "No"
Me: "Its a channel on television that you can watch and they put different items on the screen that you can buy. When you see something you like, you call the number and buy it over the phone and then they deliver it."
Jake: "Really?"
Me: "Yes, really."
Jake: "What do they sell?"
Me: "Lots of stuff - clothes, jewelry..."
Jake: "Toys?"
Me: Yes, toys"
Jake then gets this grin on his face that he's had from the day he was born and I knew he was going to be trouble.
Me: "Jake, dont get any ideas."
Jake: "What? I didnt say anything."
Me: "I saw that look on your face. You were thinking about figuring out how to buy something huh"
Jake: "Well, yes."
Me: "And what did you want to buy?"
Jake: "Something expensive."

Parenting Note - Cell Phones and 5 yr olds

Don't....DO NOT...under any circumstances leave your cell phone with your 5 yr old in hopes to comfort him while he's at school when he doesnt want to stay.

Dont fall for the eyes and dont fall for the quivering lip that accompanies all that.

I've gotten 4 calls and 2 voicemails so far.

Getting to Know Your Friends - Xmas Edition

Welcome to the 2006 Holiday Edition of Getting to Know Your Friends! You know the drill. Highlight, copy, and paste (not forward) and change my answers to your answers. Be sure to send back to me. Enjoy! Everyone has time for a few moments of fun! Don't be a scrooge!!

1. Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate? Hot Chocolate
2. Does Santa wrap presents or just set them under the tree? Set them under the Tree
3. Colored lights on tree/house or white? Colored
4. Do you hang mistletoe? Nope
5. When do you put your decorations up? Usually the week before Christmas or else I get burnt out on the holiday.
6. What is your favorite holiday dish (excluding dessert)? Tamales, yum, yum, yum
7. Favorite Holiday memory as a child: Thinking that I actually saw Santa and his reindeer’s shadow
8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? My mom and dad took my brother and I to brunch and told us –we were 14 and 12 (we already knew though)
9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? Christmas Eve
10. How do you decorate your Christmas tree? The usual lights, ornaments,
11. Snow! Love it or Dread it? Love it
12. Can you ice skate? Yes – with the help of the wall.
13. Do you remember your favorite gift as a child? My LA Kings Kelly Hrudey Jersey
14. What's the most important thing about the Holidays for you? That I spend it with family and friends
15. What is your favorite holiday dessert? Bread Pudding
16. What is your favorite holiday tradition? Watching my father finally finish the nativity scene or making fun of my mother’s inability to bake any sort of bread to accompany the meal (this also applies to Thanksgiving).
17. What tops your tree? An angel
18. Which do you prefer giving or Receiving? Are we still talking about presents?
19. What is your favorite Christmas Song? Jingle Bell Rock
20. Candy Canes! Yuck or Yum? YUM!
21. Gift Cards- thoughtless gift or convenient gift? I used to think they were thoughtless – now very convenient
22. Rudolph, Frosty the Snowman or Charlie Brown? Frosty baby!
23. Do you send Christmas cards? If I remember in time I do.
24. Favorite Christmas movie? White Christmas

I know, I know, I KNOW!

I have totally sucked on keeping up with this damn thing.

Yes, I went on my trip and had a great time. I actually took some pictures this time! The funniest thing is that there was one part of the trip that will have its own post (someday) and because I'm not used to having my camera, I neglected to take it with me. But no worries, my eloquent word stylings will be enough for you.

In the mean time - here are some things for you to ponder:

1) How good was the Heroes fall finale?!?! huh, huh, huh Why is Peter getting sick? The Haitian spoke? Tinkerbell vs Sylar! Mohinder is still freaking hot.

2) Flatulence forces plane to land - yes I laugh everytime I hear this story.

3) Oy! Vince Vaughn! I'm sorry but if you are going have a fling do it with someone who is not going to email her sorority.

4) 24! 24! 24!

Oh yeah...this is soooo going on the blog

Well my loyal reader(s), I decided to go on vacation.

A much needed vacation mind you because as soon as I breathe a sigh of relief at work, the cycle starts over again. So when I get back, I have lots of fun stuff top deal with.

So I am now on the first leg of my trip. Yes, first leg. First leg because I was supposed to already be at my destination last night at 9pm but unfortunately, the plane that I was on had some technical difficulty and its now 6:15am and I'm stuck in an airport for another 6 1/2 hours. Yay me!

Since I have all this time to kill, I'll probably be back later today to post about my adventure from yesterday. And..AND! I have a digital camera so I'll (eventually) be able to post some pictures.

See ya later - I have to get some zzz's.

Its like a car crash - I...can't...stop...looking

I know, I know but I'm so facinated by certain medical things. Not for the squirmish.

Baby with heart outside body has surgery

Naseem Hasni underwent surgery to put his heart inside his chest hours after being delivered by Caesarean section Oct. 31 at Holtz Children's Hospital. He remained in critical but stable condition Wednesday.

"He's not going to be able to play certain kinds of sports where a blow to the sternum to you and me wouldn't be a problem, but in him it would be. So I think some competitive sports are going to be out," said Dr. Eliot Rosenkranz, a cardiothoracic surgeon, "but he's going to be able to participate in other sorts of activities."

He added: "Certainly the goal is as normal a childhood as he can achieve."

Before the surgery, Naseem's heart looked like a peeled plum sitting atop his pink chest, with the aorta diving back underneath the skin. Nevertheless, the heart was beating away normally.

During the six-hour operation, surgeons first wrapped Naseem's heart in Gore-Tex, then a layer of his own skin, to substitute for his missing pericardium, the sac that encloses the heart. The heart was then slowly eased inside his chest.

The baby was born with an extremely rare congenital defect, ectopia cordis, in which the heart grows outside the body and the chest wall and sternum fail to develop. The defect was spotted in an ultrasound exam in late September after the mother, Michelle Hasni, 33, began feeling unusual movement from the baby.

"He was having hiccups, but it was constantly and it was every day. I wasn't sure what the movement was," the Miami woman said.

Click here to read the rest of the article.

OK - WTF?

Oh the lengths people will go to make a few bucks.

With PlayStation 3 systems fetching thousands of dollars on eBay and gamers across the country lining up to purchase Sony's $500 and $600 consoles, some unscrupulous people are seeing the launch as a quick way to make a buck at someone else's expense.

The Sacremento Bee is reporting that "at least four" PS3 systems were stolen along with several Xbox 360s from an Elk Grove, California, GameStop by a pair of armed men Thursday morning. Elk Grove police responded by notifying local retailers and nearby police departments of the theft, and advising those lining up for the system not to do so alone, and not to bring cash.
Meanwhile, Eugene, Oregon's KMTR News is reporting that three men who had been camped out in front of a Circuit City waiting for the Friday launch of the PlayStation 3 were robbed early Thursday morning.

According to the station's report, the three had left the line temporarily, and were stopped by a pair of masked men as they passed a nearby Target. The two men led the trio behind the store and mugged them. Police used mall surveillance tapes to retrace the robbers' steps after the crime, and were able to recover some stolen goods, including a wallet.

GEEZ! (source)

Playin' Catch Up

My true nature comes out with this blog sometimes - the procrastinator in me that is.

I've missed the following events to blog on:
Halloween
Kings Game
Jake's 5th Birthday
Britney and Kevin
LOST fall finale

Here we go with the quick recap

Halloween:
I dressed like the owner of the company.


Yes, I know you dont get it - well maybe for the few coworkers that have started to read my blog will relive my infamous glory.

The funny thing about this costume was that I went to Jake's school for his costume parade and know very few parents because of the times I pick up/drop off Jacob.

So I tried to make conversation and be cordial - but they kept giving me a look. Well during the parade one of the mom's I do know, Gayle, came over and we started talking about the kids and costumes. And I made a comment about how the parents were giving me looks. She then says, "Well, maybe they dont realize you are wearing a costume. They probably think you are like a Pat or something." Seriously the thought never crossed my mind until she mentioned it. She laughed her ass off and I just got in my car and drove to work, where later that day mind you I won 1st prize for Best Look-A-Like costume. YAY ME!

Kings Game:
Anna oh Anna - that girl came through for me like never before. She called me to be her "date" for the Pittsburgh game last week at the last minute. Luckily Jake's dad was able to watch Jake that night for what turned out to be one of the greatest things I've ever done. GLASS SEATS BITCHES! Oh yeah - not only did we have glass seats at the game, our little neighbor buddy ended up rubbing his nipple on the glass and got the attention (and dare I say affection) of the Penguin's goalie. I almost slid out of my chair laughing so hard. Look at the picture below - you see the last guy above the Toyota emblem on the far right? Yeah, I'm sitting right next to him.



Jake's 5th Birthday
He's 5. I wrote him a very endearing note on his birthday card and since he's an avid reader now - he chose to read it out loud. I cried, then my friend cried, then my mom cried, then Jake looked at me and smiled. Now I'm tearing up again - DAMMIT!

Britney and Kevin
I swear - the moment I heard I was actually giddy. Divorce isnt pretty but I'm happy for her.

LOST fall finale
That was it?!!? SERIOUSLY!!?? I wanted more! I needed more to keep my interest until February 07! At least we have Heroes.

Time for a vote!

Is this picture of an 80's icon - The Monchichi - dirty?

I am using this as my IM at work and my coworker swears that it looks like the Monchichi has a penis in its mouth. I am not COCHINA!

Is My Kid Worth $100? NOPE

I'm in the midst of planning the soon to be 5 yr old's birthday party and I heard that in order to have a "park party" you have to pay to reserve the park area you want.

So I call. $100 freaking dollars!?!?!

What happened to the good ole days of sending someone out while its still dark to guard the tables? Apprently, you can still do that, if no one has beat you to reserving the area you want and can kick you out.

I feel like this is going to be like an eBay showdown.

Holy Frijoles!

I need to install a countdown clock for 24, since LOST is sucking ass this season (so far).

Woohoo! One of Me (in the US)!

HowManyOfMe.com

There is: 1 person with my name in the U.S.A. How many have your name?

Warning to Others: Dental Appointment

Be on time for your dental appointments - especially if you have the last appointment of the day. I was 20 minutes late for my 5pm appointment last night. It felt like the dentist didnt let the numbing agent set before putting in the anesthetic and then started the procedure. I actually asked her if I was being punished for being late. I did call though!

Damn you traffic on the 101...DAMN YOU!

What a Catch!

Oh those boys from Nashville are going to have fight over this one! Found it on Craigslist...ENJOY!

On a first date:
I will not put out, although, upon cessation of said date I will violently rape my Rabbit and envision your hands and mouth all over my body.

We may discuss this in the future, if I decide you're worthy of more conversation.

In an effort to further my not-putting-out goal, I will not shave and will wear mis-matched socks. Just remember this if you respond to this ad, we go out, and you are having dirty thoughts over dinner. UNSHAVEN/MISMATCHED (just repeat it to yourself. You may be surprised how quickly wood will disappear)

I will engage you in conversation, perhaps shock you with hilarious stories of my past. I may use "big" words, and I refuse to dummy down for anyone. I will make you laugh, assuming you have a brain and the personality to "get it". I won't order a salad, nor will I order the most expensive entree. If I am hungry, I will eat.

I may call you the following day. I may not.

On the second date:
I may, in fact, put out. Why? Because I find few people meet/exceed my expectations enough to be granted a second date. I'm not promising I'll shave (kidding). We will discuss the ridiculous happenings in both of our worlds since the last time we spoke. I may ask you to leave following copulation. I may snuggle. I own a vagina and cannot decide at the present time how I will feel/react after sex. Yes, I just typed all of that.

Now, here's where the prospect pool will thin accordingly...
YOU MUST BE
of the caucasian persuasion
funny
loquacious
driven
single (that means not LEGALLY married)
under 38 over 23
not a baby-daddy
drug/disease free (everyone knows you can tell if someone has AIDS by looking)
sarcastic
well-mannered, for appearances
able to leave work at work. this implies employment
educated (beauty school and diesel college do not count)
NOT AN AUDIO ENGINEER/SINGER-SONG WRITER/OTHER MUSICAL FAILURE
act like a man. If I wanted a questionable fag, I'd date a girl. They smell better, anyway.

I AM...
Over one-night stands.
I'm not in college anymore, and thank God Girls Gone Wild never visited back in my hay-day.
Very comfortable in my skin.
Unafraid.
Equally unashamed.
Not looking to get married, but over the fuck buddy status.
Able to say "no" and scream "yes".
Calm, collected, logical, rational, politically incorrect, and witty

TOGETHER, WE WILL
bowl
play trivia
act like raging dickheads in public establishments
giggle at midgets
fornicate regularly
discuss books
drink excessively if the mood strikes, and it will.
Often laugh at others and harder at ourselves
one-up eachother

WE WILL NOT
involve species other than homosapiens in our bedroom routine.
yell, argue, at like gigantic three-year-olds when we're upset
be dishonest
care what everyone else thinks
do any activity with one another's family more than once a month
act like something doesn't bother us, when it does
throw low-blows in times of frustration

Oh, and just to make sure I don't attract the wrong type of man, here comes what some of you will be dismayed at... I'm not fat. I'm not the healthiest individual, but I'm not a walking heart attack. If you appear to be more than 2.5 months pregnant, don't respond

I have my original 32. If you don't know what I'm referring to, don't respond.

If you know what I am referring to, and you just took the time to "count", you probably should sit this one out.

I'm short. I don't care how tall or short you are so long as your girth does not exceed your height.

I'm not into anything sexual that involves blood shed or leaves marks. General ass-slapping and hair pulling = perfectly acceptable. Donkey punches, not so much. Yes, I did just type that. Dirty Sanchez is out, as well.

Bring your A-game, bitches.

The Case of the Potentially Dead Bum

Boy, it was quite an adventurous morning for yours truly today. Not only did I have an argument with the Jakeman about the validity of Oreo Cookies as a breakfast food item, but the words “I was trapped in a stairwell and I couldn’t get out because I think there is a dead bum blocking my door” actually escaped my lips. Let me explain.

As “Deputy Safety Director” (no, I don’t have a badge or anything), I have to help train our employees on evacuation and safety procedures. Because some of our staff isn’t here all the time, I have to catch them when I can and do the training then. This morning was such a morning for two of our employees. I met up with them and started my little speech on where the exits to the suite are and where the fire extinguishers are. Then we proceeded to go down the stairwell so I can show them where the leads to and our meeting place. As I’m typing this, I’m realizing that I forgot to conclude the training and tell them where our meeting place is. Oh well.

We get to the bottom of the stairs and I make my little remark “I suggest you knock first because sometimes there is a bum sleeping on the stoop and he blocks the door”. As I say this, I am knocking and the door and opening it when BAM! It’s jammed. I look down and could see a head of hair – that’s it. So I close the door and bang on it again and open it. BAM! Again into the bum who…hasn’t…moved. Crap. Ok, now I’m annoyed. I open and close the door about 5 times and screaming “HEY GET UP!!!” But to no avail. The first thought that comes to mind is “Oh My God! He’s dead!” As I have told this story throughout the day to my coworkers, the first thing they think of is that he’s passed out drunk, but that’s beside the point.

Crap, so as one employee is doubled over in laughter, I’m trying to figure out how to get out because the doors to access the floors are locked on the stairwell side to “prevent unauthorized building access”. None of us have a key to the stairwell and I didn’t bring my cell phone. One of the gals did have a sidekick though, but she only had internet access and no phone access. Its like we cant catch a break. So she’s trying to log onto the Instant Messenger system that our office uses to ask someone to come open the door for us. As we go back up the stairs (oh yeah, we are on the 5th floor, I think I forgot to mention that), we are checking all the doors. FINALLY, she says she finds someone to come open the door. Meanwhile, I’m banging on the door hoping that someone will hear it and let us in. The door opens and its someone from another suite on our floor. The person she asked to come open the door went to the OTHER staircase to help us.

So now I’m 1) pissed off that the homeless guy is blocking the door and I couldn’t finish the training and 2) worried that the guy might be dead – I was seriously torn. So I called the building maintenance guy to tell him what happened and he told me that the homeless guy will chase you down and threaten you if you attempt to remove him. And since I’m notorious for being a chicken, I call the cops. C’mon! He might be DEAD!!! Later that morning, the maintenance guy calls me and tells me that the homeless guy is indeed alive and was asked to leave but who knows if he’ll stay away.

Let me say, that if you have a chance to hear me tell this story in person, please ask. I’ll be happy to oblige because I actually made one person snort today.

The Big Showing

I have a friend. His name is Doug.

He made a movie that is showing at the Hollywood Film Festival.

Here is the info:

Never Before Has Something So Horrible Appeared On Screen . . . .11 minutes, 8 legs and 2 fangs of sheer drive-in, B-movie terror

Hollywood Film Festival World Premiere!
It Came From Beyond the Mountain
Directed by Douglas Bankston

At the Hollywood Film Festival -- HFF Horror Shorts Programin the dead of night -- Sunday, October 22 at 11 p.m. at the ArcLight Cinemas

I need to go see this thing, I've heard so much about it during the filming process that I need to see that it actually exists. Actually, all joking aside, I'm very proud of him! CONGRATS DB!

Its Been A While....

Yup, that it has been. Anna was kind enough to remind me this morning via IM that I havent updated this for a while. I keep forgetting this entertains her at her paperless company.

Things that have happened since I last blogged:

El Paso - YEEHAW!
Went to El Paso for a wedding where the following things occured:

1. My son was bribed to be a Cowboys fan and when the truth came out that he was NOT a fan, he was asked to return the money. He refused...thats my boy!
2. El Paso is more wetback than white trash - I'm just sayin'
3. Actually, I liked El Paso a lot more than I thought I would...and its a military town! You know how much I love my military men.
4. Outdoor weddings = Drama + Rain
5. Actually the wedding was really nice and my hot date the Jakeman and I had an awesome time. Although he did abandon me during the dancing portion to hang out with his new buddy Victor, the maid of honor's husband.
6. $25 for a pedicure?!?!?! Its like Atlanta all over again.
7. I had to keep reminding the bride's father NOT to try to fix me up with his friends.

Popped Derry's Cherry

That sounds so dirty compared to the truth, but its ok. I took my coworker Derry to the Kings/Dallas game last night, and it was his first hockey game. He freaking loved it! Ok, maybe he didnt love it because the Kings got their asses kicked 4-1 and played horribly, its like they were too tired to play. Bastards. But he did have a lot of fun and we had this Australian tourist and his son sitting behind us. He struck up a conversation with us during the 2nd intermission and wouldnt stop talking. He was nice though, found out that they had gone to Disneyland, then planning to go to Vegas, then back to San Diego to see "the famous whale". I suggested he go see Hoover Dam while he was in Vegas and Derry couldnt believe I was sending someone sightseeing while they were in Vegas. Geez, all that visiting my brother has rubbed off on me, I dont even go to the casinos anymore - WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME!?!?

At then of the game he said, "Did everyone give up?" and we looked at him, in a perplexed way, and I said "Well, yeah, the game is over". And he thought there were four periods and not three. What's funnier about that is that even the teams were celebrating on the ice and he thought it was break. Good times, good times.

Madness in Hollywood and at McDonald's

Yesterday, I actually took a break from working and went to 7-11 with the famed Rozanne to get a slurpee. On the way there, a lady was driving backwards on Sunset (why do we elicit this behavior?); a tranny stopped in the middle of the road, some guy got into the car to drive and instead of the tranny going into the passenger seat, she/he gets in the driver seat and climbs over - sticking his/her ass out of the window to sit down; an older Mexican lady carrying a box of cans (in my memory, I like to to think they were cans of frijoles) trying to catch the bus then realizing its not her bus. All in a matter of like 5 minutes.

This morning, I took Jacob to McD's for a pankcake breakfast. Let me state, I dont care what anyone says, those are damn good pancakes. The lady behind the counter just could not get it together. Its like training day or something. She didnt know where the Apple Juice button was, she didnt know where the Hot Tea button was, she forgot my #2 combo. And she was frazzled...dude it was a #2 with hot tea, pancakes no sausage, and an apple juice. Geez. MADNESS I TELL YOU!

Other than that...I got my dad hooked on Heroes, watched Grey's Anatomy and I cant believe McSteamy and $8.7 million?!??!

Coming up in Melissa's life: Got a few shows to watch this weekend, get my Halloween costume in order, go to a birthday party, laundry, clean the apartment AND finish season 3 of The Shield, I need to get that back to Netflix.

Whats on your Tivo?

On mine, in no particular order - just how I remember them:

• Grey's Anatomy - still the best show on TV, SERIOUSLY!
• LOST - coming back tomorrow, thank goodness!
• 24 - January cant come fast enough
• Project Runway - I'm cheering for Michael
• Heroes - Seriously, start watching if you havent
• Ugly Betty - Hilarity!
• Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip - reminds me of the golden days of West Wing
• How I Met Your Mother - Barney is rivaling Major Burns as one of my all time favorite TV characters - SUIT UP!
• House - I know this isnt any any particular order but this should be higher on the list. Its so awesome and I finally forced my mom to watch an episode and she took back all the mean things she said about my Gregory House.
• Nip/Tuck - you cannot go wrong with Julian McMahon - thats all I'm sayin'
• My Name Is Earl - just plain funny
• The Office - come on!
• Meerkat Manor - ok, I know...I know...but you dont understand!
• Mythbusters - its just awesome to watch what these guys do
• Spongebob Squarepants - can you guess who programmed that?

Never send a 4 yr old to do a 30 yr old's job

Yesterday, Jake's one task at school (other than learn) was to find out what his friend (or "girlfriend") Skye likes. Today is her birthday party and we got invited. I told him "Jake, ask Skye if she was going to get a present, what kind of things would she like to get."

I've ask him this once before - when it was time for his classmate's Julian's birthday party rolled around as well. I asked him, "What does Julian like?" "I dunno" was the response. So I called the numver on the invition to ask his father. As soon as the words came out of my mouth "What kinds of things does Julian like?" both his father and Jake say "CARS". Damn you boy!

Back to Skye - I pick him up from school and ask "Ok, Jake, what did you find out" He says, "I got it!" (Very triumphantly, by the way) "She likes...ice cream."

Wednesday Rant Part Deux

Dear Brunette Bitch,

Hi! How are you?!!? The reason I ask is because when you are backing up on a public street going about 35 miles an hour (backwards) you failed to notice that 1) you were going backwards and 2) my dear friend Rozanne and I were in the crosswalk and about a foot away from your car. At least you were looking backwards to make sure you didnt hit any cars because God forbide you cause any property damage...but you failed to check if any pedestrians would be hurt.

Oh and thanks for saying you were sorry - wait you didnt say that. All you did was roll your window down about an inch and screamed, "I didnt see you!" and then sped off to your mani/pedi appointment.

I should have ran into your car and gotten some damages.

Thanks again for a lovely afternoon!

Kisses,
Melissa

Wednesday Rant

Dear Blond Bitch,

I’d like to congratulate you on being able to piss me off in the time in took to go into the parking structure and get into the elevator this morning. First of all, can I please advise you NOT to smoke your cigarette and talk on your cell phone while trying to maneuver in a parking structure. Having to do two 3 point turns and taking like 5 minutes to do them is an indicator that your mind is not concentrating on the correct activity. Secondly, when you see someone walking behind you its polite to hold the door open for them, especially if I’m RIGHT behind you. Lastly, I’d like to point out that pressing the elevator button once is sufficient to call it down. Pacing back and forth and pressing the button does not make it come down faster. If you are that anxious about getting to your office, may I suggest you take the stairs – especially since your office is on the SECOND FLOOR!

Once again, thank you for being my sunshine this morning.

Respectfully,
Melissa

The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year!

Its time to gather with your fellow man and cheer for those loveable underdogs – your LOS ANGELES KINGS!!

Frozen Fury, the annual game that occurs in Las Vegas where the Kings host some team itching to see strippers and gamble their pension away is the official start of the NHL season. This weekend marked that game and tonight, the Jakeman and I are going to see the Kings host the Ducks at Staples. I can already smell the ice and hear the bodies being thrown into the boards.

I LOVE THIS GAME!

Learning and Realizing Things

Last night I took Jake to the long awaited Dodger game. And by long awaited I mean, that we were supposed to go Monday night for their “miracle of miracle” comebacks game but through a series of events we had no tickets. But I’m not a hater, I won’t play the blame game and name names (Rozanne). I wont say we should have shelled out the ticketmaster fee (Rozanne) and been there to watch the 4 back to back to back to back home runs in the bottom of the ninth inning to tie the game and then win in the bottom of the 10th with Nomar’s two run shot. Plus we got screwed out of our free Dodger Blanket. I had attributed to the many things that happen to me in my life – my so called “misadventures” and happily move on to reliving my night at Chavez Ravine last night where the Boys in Blue took on the Pirates, which in addition to Jake’s newfound appreciation for “Talk Like A Pirate Day” made the night more interesting.

Driving up to the stadium, I decided to take a moment and teach my child something that he can’t learn in a book. Today’s life topic is: SCALPERS. Why I felt it was necessary to point out who the scalpers are and go on to explain what their role is in local economy, I’ll never know. I spent (no lie) 10 minutes telling Jake about how some scalpers buy season tickets and then sell them individually and continued to explain how sometimes you had to buy tickets are more than face value and how this was catering to the fans who didn’t no plan and buy their tickets from the box office beforehand or the evil Ticketmaster.

I then realized that maybe I had gone to far in explaining things to Jake. I like to answer his questions but to break down the role and marketing techniques of a scalper at Dodger Stadium? I loved that I ended the ramble by telling him that “we all learned something new everyday” and he said “yeah, I learned how to read better at school and now about scalpers, good job mom!”

Fabulous.

I also realized later that night that, I have seen more fights at Dodger Stadium than I have anywhere else. I was watching something that seemed to go down in the left field pavilion and made a mental note that I had seen a fight in about 85% of the Dodger games that I have attended. Jake and I were leaving early when a woman rushes past me and screams for security. I hear another guy scream “FIGHT!” The fight was near the exit so as we left Jake saw 10 security guys trying to calm two big guys down. Make that 90%.

Just A Suggestion

If you are interviewing for a position with a company - please dress appropriately because I'm hiring Customer Service Reps - not gay hustlers.

From Professional to Gay in 2.5 seconds

Damn - this is so funny. Giggle away!

Finally! I can use an anecdote...

I've had this in my back pocket for a while now and I wasnt sure how to post it without it seeming rather odd. I needed something to relate to the story so it wouldn’t be so weird, and luckily I found it today.

A while back, someone said to me out of the blue "Did you know that a lamb's vagina is the closest to a human's?" The funny thing, is that I knew what he meant, that if someone is having le sex with le lamb, it’s the closest resemblance feeling wise (ya with me?) Ok so after I gave him this “what the fuck did you do in high school?” look, he explained that a “friend” told him. I said “yeah right” and continued with our conversation.

Few months later, we were chatting about a house he wanted to buy and how it was considered a "farmhouse". I said, “Oh, so you can get a sheep instead of getting a girlfriend, think about it, it will be cheaper and you don’t get the back talk.” He laughed and then said, “Did you know that farmers would put the back legs of a lamb into their boots so the lambs wouldn’t run away” I was speechless for a minute before I said “How in God’s name do you think that I would know that?!?!” Then he said, “You can also go to the edge of something, like a roof or cliff and have the sheep at the edge and they will push back on it so it will be deeper.”

Dude, you could have heard crickets (and this was in the middle of the day).

I just busted up laughing – I couldn’t believe that he said this…frankly I come up with random shit so I appreciate people that do with same with me but I have to get like a dance card with some of the conversations I’ve had with this guy. I asked him who it was that told him all this because if he only said “a friend” I was going to assume it was him and no matter how much he told me otherwise, till the day I died, it was going to be him that did all this with a lamb (or lambs…ewww). He fessed up who it was, but I still tease him on occassion about it possibly being him.

Anyways. back to what I found that allowed me to post this story:

Sudan man forced to 'marry' goat

A Sudanese man has been forced to take a goat as his "wife", after he was caught having sex with the animal.

The goat's owner, Mr Alifi, said he surprised the man with his goat and took him to a council of elders.

They ordered the man, Mr Tombe, to pay a dowry of 15,000 Sudanese dinars ($50) to Mr Alifi.

"We have given him the goat, and as far as we know they are still together," Mr Alifi said.
Mr Alifi, Hai Malakal in Upper Nile State, told the Juba Post newspaper that he heard a loud noise around midnight on 13 February and immediately rushed outside to find Mr Tombe with his goat.

"When I asked him: 'What are you doing there?', he fell off the back of the goat, so I captured and tied him up".

Mr Alifi then called elders to decide how to deal with the case.

"They said I should not take him to the police, but rather let him pay a dowry for my goat because he used it as his wife," Mr Alifi told the newspaper.

Source

I’m sorry, but you have to admit those Elders sure have a sense of humor.

Question of the Day

How can someone pull a muscle in their sleep?

Has this happened to anyone else, because it happened to me this morning! I woke up at the crack of dawn in pain from my left leg. Should I have stretched before I hit the hay or something? Damn what the hell was I dreaming that I pulled something in my leg.

Its still freaking hurts.

Need a Good Laugh?

I know that Knuck does - he works too damn hard since he doesnt email and stuff. Damn I feel powerful with this blog...

Anyways back to my original post:

Ever hear overhear stuff and immediately call a friend or post...it...on...your...blog....? So there is a blog that does that! Its called Overheard At The Office Its awesome.

Here is my favorite so far:

Kindly Do Not Demonstrate
Woman: So if you've never done it before, it's going to hurt the first time and maybe even bleed a bit.
Man: Uh huh.
Woman: So don't be afraid. You should try it. It's definitely worth it.

Other people in elevator shuffle uncomfortably.

Woman: Um...So flossing is crucial to good dental hygiene.

Elevator
Houston, Texas

Victim #1

Q: "Wow, you spent 4 years working at Goodwill. Why did you stay there so long?"
A: "Because I thought it was cool that I could get my clothes there too"

WooHoo!! Open Interviews!

Damn, I know that I'm going to be drained today from all the interviewing I'm going to be doing but I'm excited that I'll be getting some good stories because I just saw the first person.

Just to hold you over...the stingrays are getting their come-uppens for Steve Irwin. Is it wrong that I find this funny?

I love The Onion

Bush Urges Nation To Be Quiet For A Minute While He Tries To Think


WASHINGTON, DC—In a nationally televised address Monday, President Bush urged all citizens, regardless of race, creed, color, or political affiliation, "to quiet down for just one minute" so he could have "a chance to think."

"Every American has an inalienable right to free speech and self-expression," Bush said. "Nonetheless, I call upon the American people to hold off on it for, say, 60 seconds. Just long enough for me to get this all sorted out in my head."

"Please," Bush added.

While the president said achieving a unilateral peace and quiet "would not be easy," he hoped that citizens would respect his wish and work toward a temporary cease-talk so that he could can hear his own thoughts "for once."

Keep reading from The Onion

Took The Words Right Out Of My Mouth

I'm glad someone else has the same theory as I do!


(source)

Meerkat Manor Madness

Has anyone else seen a show on Animal Planet called Meerkat Manor?!?

Its dubbed as All My Children meets Wild Kingdom and it does not disappoint!

Meerkat Manor is a documentary about this this family of meerkats and their adventures in the Sahari Desert in Africa. Ok - so it may sound weak but its not! My coworker Rozanne suggested that I watch it and I tivo'd and episode and WOWIE! I'm hooked! Just so happened to be the season finale so I have to wait until next season to find out what happens to these little meerkats. Thank god for reruns!

How can these little guys cause so much drama?

I don't know, but they do!

Time for a Vote

Am I a dog hater if I think this is ridiculous?

Carry it by the handles or fling the straps around your shoulder or even waist, it enables the dog lover to go out and about with a little furry friend friend literally by their side...

"PuppyPurse makes it easier to take your dog with you, whether you're shopping, fly fishing or just taking a walk and nothing gets in the way of snuggling and kissing your baby whenever you want to,"

Source

The Booby Trap

I lost count as to who this would apply to...

The 4400

I think I gasped like 3 times in about 45 seconds during the season finale.

DAMN YOU SUMMER SHOWS!

DAMN YOU!!!

The Big 3-0

Happy Birthday To Me!

(courtesy of Rozanne)

Happy Birthday To Me!

(courtesy of Rozanne)

Happy Birthday to my funny ass self....

(courtesy of the Jakeman)

Happy Birthday To Me!

(courtesy of Captain Tivo)

Neltflix Rules, Blockbuster Sucks

Last night I had the urge to watch Pretty Woman and Beaches with my cousins, so I headed to Blockbuster to rent them. I have Netflix, but the downfall of it, is that it takes planning to use Netflix. Well, my friends, there are times in my life when I like to be wild and get any the movie my pretty little heart desires to watch. So thus my trip to Blockbuster. I cannot understand for the life of my why the hell I dont own these two "chick flicks" but I dont. That is a problem to be dealt with another day.

So after finally finding a parking spot after circling the lot twice (on a Friday, I dont know what is sadder, that all those people were at the Blockbuster or I was there with them) and waiting in a line for 20 minutes to check out, I realized that I had to reopen my account with Blockbuster because mine is in Ridgecrest. So I'm ready to go and the lady asks for my credit card and picture ID. I had her my debit card and my picture ID. She asks for credit card and I tell her I dont have one. Then she gives me this look like I dont have a freaking car in LA. And she said "YOU dont have a credit card?!?!" Damn, get on the surround system and announce it why dont you. No, thank you, I dont have a credit card, I like owning all my shit. So I ask if she can use the debit card and she said no but if my car is registered in my name I can use that.

WHOA - HOLD THE FREAKING PHONE

If you dont have a credit card, you have to use your CAR REGISTRATION in order to rent a $3.99 movie at Blockbuster?

After I let out a GAFFAW, I walked out.

I love Netflix, I'll happily plan my dvd viewing from now on and if I have an impulse to watch something, I'll buy it. Its an investment dammit.

The Joys Of Parenthood

This morning things were rough in the Jake/Melissa household. The Jakeman was not feeling up to par in the plumbing department and he was finding it hard to evacuate (if you catch my drift).

As a mother, there are times when you do things that you child asks you to do them and you do them because 1) they ask and 2) it will make them feel better. But when someone asks you what happened, you feel like you can’t tell the story because they won’t understand. Parents will but non-parents wont (and by non-parents I mean people that dont usually deal with kids).

They don’t get that waking up covered in pee is just something that happens when your kid has an accident, they think it’s gross. As parents, we’ve come to just get up, take a shower and move on. Non-parents don’t get that having a kid throw up in your hands is just what happens when they don’t have time to make it to the toilet or trash can. Parents just catch as much of it as they can while running to the house to a trash can, sink or toilet, all the while comforting their child by trying to comfort them with their shoulder. Non parents also think that this is gross.

But this morning, while I was trying to comfort Jake in his time of need, the old non-parent Melissa tried to point out the weirdness of the moment. (I feel that years from now, Jake is going to be mad at me for posting this)

He couldn’t go. It was “stuck” and the poor boy was crying. He kept asking me if it was going to stop hurting and I was trying to explain that this happens to everyone and that you just have to ride it out. Then he asked me to look to see if it was coming out. And I did. I could see it. And I told him so. And he sort of felt better but he was still crying. It finally came out. And all was well and he wanted an explanation how the digestive system worked. So I explained it to him and also told him that eating certain foods would help. But I was still in shock of what had happened. To him, it was just par for the course. For me, it was one step more into the deep dark realm of parenthood.

Oh Diddy....

"moisturizes my situation and preserves my sexy" P.Diddy in his infomercial for Pro-Active.

Thanks Will!

The Slacking Of Posts

From Despair.com

Doubt you'll see this on KTLA

STOCKHOLM, Sweden (AP) -- Sweden's state broadcaster SVT on Monday faced ridicule for mistakenly showing a porn movie in the background of a news broadcast over the weekend.
Viewers of a 5-minute news update at midnight Saturday could see explicit scenes from a Czech porn movie on a TV screen behind news anchor Peter Dahlgren.

The monitor -- one of many on the wall of a control room visible behind the studio -- normally shows other news channels during broadcasts.

But staffers who earlier in the evening had watched a sports event on cable channel Canal Plus -- which often shows X-rated films after midnight -- had forgotten to switch it back, said news director Per Yng.

"This is highly embarrassing and unfortunate," Yng said. "It must not happen again."
A producer quickly spotted the sex scenes and ran into the control room and turned off the monitor, Yng said.

He said there had been no complaints from viewers about the mishap, but "enormous interest from media."

Swedish tabloids on Monday poked fun at the steamy broadcast, jokingly changing the name of the show -- Rapport -- to "Rapporn."

Magnus Akerlund, who oversees the hourly news updates, told tabloid Expressen he was "shocked and dismayed" at the mistake.

"It's a huge blunder by us," he said.

LMFAO! This is so something that could happen to anyone and its totally being blown out of proportion. The funny thing is that I'm not helping by posting it on the blog - but come on its HYSTERICAL!

Source

For the Trekkies

(This one is my favorite!)

If you like these, go here to read some more!

Oh Dear God...MUPPET PORN!?!?!

I honestly dont know what to think of this. In one hand - its the Muppets! You can never go wrong with the Muppets. On the other - its Porn. I seriously would have to tune in to see this because well...its MUPPETS AND PORN! I seem to recall a gif going around on the internet where Fozie and Kermit went at it. I thought that I could never get that image out of my head and now BAM! Read on:

First there were Tommy Lee and Pam and Paris and Rick. Now, the public could soon witness an even more shocking celebrity sex romp -- Kermit and Miss Piggy. Seriously. It turns out the creators of "The Muppets" and "Sesame Street" are staging a rude and lewd puppet show- strictly for adults- called "Jim Henson's Puppet Improv."

The live puppet show has already made quite an impression at the annual Edinburgh Fringe arts festival, which features this kind of adult, er, entertainment.

The late Jim Henson's son Brian, director of the "Muppet Christmas" and "Muppet Treasure Island" movies, tells Reuters "That really pleases me," and says he is reveling in the freedom of performing for adults only.

"It is lovely to do a show where you can go wherever your brain takes you," says Henson, winding down after a show where the audience asked the puppeteers to feature six hot dogs auditioning to be Ricky Martin's backup singers.

Henson, who has performed the improvisation show in Aspen and Hollywood, says he hopes to develop the edgy routine into a TV show. Two other projects he is working on are also just for adults.

"There is something really therapeutic for us about this adult improv," he says. So could Fozzie "Bare" and "Groper" be making their way onto the small screen in the near future? One can only hope.

Source: TMZ

Proof of X-Games Attendance

Scott was kind enough to take this picture of Jake and I at the X-Games. There we are in the circle...thats a damn fine camera you got there Scotty Poo.

***SHUDDER***

So there is this Chinese robot named Rong Cheng that has been created an is on display at the Institute of Automation of Chinese Academy of Sciences in Beijing. Rong Cheng is able to respond to some 1,000 Chinese words. She can dance, bow and greet people in the Sichuan dialect as she is destined for the Sichuan Science Museum to serve as a receptionist.

Now: doesnt this freak anyone else out?

Its great for technology an all but she reminds me of THE CARVER and I would not like my coffee served with milk and a slice across the cheek.

X-Games XII

Friday night I took my favorite man to Staples to see something we had never seen before. X-Games in person. I had always been curious about going to an X-games and finally that cat was getting killed.

By far my favorite aspect of the X-Games are the Moto X competition and we ended up watching the Moto X Best Trick competition that night. Let me say WOW - if you think that its impressive watching it on tv, you should really go in person. Scotty poo was there as well and my kid that the pleasure, no dare I say honor of meeting him that night for the first time.

Most memorable part of the night was when Travis Pastrana did his now infamous double backflip on the motorbike. Here is a video that Scott took with his phone.

Whats funny about this whole thing is that they kept playing it up, that Pastrana was going to do the backflip. I thought it was boloney and texted Scott telling him so, but I'll be damned if the guy didnt go out there and spin his little ass off on that bike.

Mabel vs. Barney

In a head to head battle - who do you think won?

Mabel - Elvis's cherished teddy bear valued at $75,000

OR

Barney - the Doberman Pincher entrusted to protect and serve.

Read this article about it but I do have to quote from it because its that good...

"But for some reason Barney, the Dobermann pinscher charged with protecting the precious cuddly toy and the other fluffy exhibits, took against them, going on the rampage in a frenzied after-hours attack.

Mabel was disembowled of her soft stuffing and had her head severed. The damage is believed to be irreperable.

"Barney has been a model guard dog for more than six years. I still can't believe what happened," security guard Greg West was quoted as saying after the attack on Tuesday night.

"Either there was a rogue scent of some kind on Mabel, which switched on Barney's deepest instincts, or it could have been jealousy. I was just stroking Mabel and saying what a nice bear she was."

LMFAO!!!!

A JOKE!

The New Job
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."

The frightened passenger, apologized to the driver, and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's my entire fault, today is my first day driving a cab.... I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

On A Mission...

I’m on a mission to get my name on a blog. I think I found an in and way to entice this person to do this for me. My coworker Amaya met Trent from Pink is the New Blog and she wants me to do something for her. I told her that if she can get Trent to give me a shout out on his blog, I’ll do it. She has until Aug 31st to complete this task.

Updates and News and Stuff

Life just keeps on truckin’ doesn’t it?

Captain Tivo was in town last week and oh what fun was had. Even though he lived in Cali for a bit he never got to really experience LA much less, MY LA.

Quick recap of events:
1) Medieval Times
2) Universal Studios
3) Tokyo Delve’s
4) Stinking Rose
5) Howl At The Moon (where SOMEONE nearly re-enacted a scene from the Fabulous Baker Boys)

Fun had by all.

Last night – something so funny happened to Jacob and me that we were both speechless. And if you know us, this is NOT an easy feat! Jake and I made up some characters for some continuing adventures that are told as bedtime stories. These superhero-ish characters are Captain Underpants, Booger Boy, Fartman, and someone else who escapes me at the moment. Well we make up stupid problems, like no spaghetti in the world and they have to use their super powers to fight the evil doers. Captain Underpants throws underwear, Booger Boy throws boogers and Fartman – well you know.

So Jake and I are at Borders killing time until our movie started (Ant Bully is sooo funny, highly recommended). We were in the kids section looking for new books for us to read at night. I wanted to graduate from the books you can read in one sitting to books with chapters so we can put them down and continue the next night and so on. We were searching when we find something so amazing that I can only post the picture to share.

UNFREAKING BELIEVABLE!!!

You bet your ass I bought the books and so far, into book 1 (out of 8), its pretty damn funny. I might have to do updates on the adventures of Captain Underpants. I swear I didnt know this existed.

Finally going to get to go home and relax tonight. Been out and about too much (although not as much as Scotty poo!).

Finished reading my July book - The Lovely Bones. Such a great book, very well written but the ending didnt really fly with me. Heard they were making a movie out of it with Dakota Fanning as Susie. Hmmm.

Movie review from the weekend - CRASH. Yup finally saw it. Pretty good, was rather riveted.

Crossing something from the NEVER HAVE DONE list - going to see the X Games live on Friday night. Rather excited about that!!!

Peace out homies see Scott and Anna...I posted!

I say Sake You Say BOMB!!

Another successful night at Tokyo Delve's last night. Had a group of friend gather there since Captain Tivo is in town and ended up popping a few Tokyo Delve's cherries that night.

I think we ended up having 4 kegs of beer and god knows how many sakes.

Here is Scott's review of the night.

my review;

sake bombs have adverse effect on me the next morning.
the end

After Tokyo Delves we walked over to Starbucks to get some coffee to try to wake us up a bit, here is Scott's review on that:

starbucks;
don't have fun, they frown on it.
leave the toilet seat down.
homeless people are funny.

When my headache goes away, I might post some more.

Anna - any details to add?

LA Weekly Is BANNED!!!

You notice a level of quality in candidates depending where you post a job.

As of today - I am not advertising in LA Weekly anymore.

Here are some examples of behavior from my interviews today, remember I grade candidates on appearance, intelligence, and the way you present yourself.

1) Spent 10 minutes inconspicously (or so he thought) trying to open up a mint. Then when he thought I wasnt looking he popped it in his mouth.
2) Had horrible B.O. So horrible that I skipped through certain portions of the interview because I knew he wasnt going to get through me so I can get some fresh air.
3) Forgot to wear her dentures.
4) Spent 45 minutes filling out an application and DIDNT FINISH!
5) When I ask "What did you do from December of 2003 to February of 2004?" got out of his chair to verify the information from the resume and then told me that it was only one month and that he was unemployed. Hmmm... December (1), January (2), February (3) - 3 months man!
6) When asked "Do you have any issues or qualms about getting psychic readings?" The answer was "No, I'm computer savvy"
7) Inquired about his lack of resume - answer "Well, I honestly didnt think I'd need one" After some more discussion about his background I state "See, this is why its a good idea to bring a resume" He blows off my comment and looks at his little cheat sheet card to see what another job was that he worked at and mumbles under his breath, "Damn I have alcohol on the brain."

P/S #1, #6, and #7 was the same person.

And The Total Is...

Got the total to replace the broken mirror.

$181.28

It was a Ford Focus.

So I'm reading the bill and the part was $84.32 and the labor was $90! NINETY DOLLARS!!! Hell, I would have taken a screwdriver and done it myself.

Oh well...

No Confidence Vote

I officially have no confidence that Rob Blake will be a strong defenseman this year. Just look at this picture! What do you think the caption should be?

Let's have a contest!

Hellish Friday

Hopefully Friday was the last of my bad luck. Friday was the day that I was to clean out the old office and turn it over to the new tenants. I had scheduled a pick up with Out of the Closet thrift stores to come get our old office furniture. After a lot of running around (I had already shown up to the office once), I was set at the office about 12pm to await the arrival of OOTC.

1230pm Andrew shows up.

1235pm he informs me that they are not interested in any of the stuff we want to give them.

WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!

He starts to tell me about their "standards" and shit. Ok - with the week I had been having so far, I wanted to beat that man with a broken arm rest from a chair. He leaves, I call my boss and beg for help. I'm supposed to be out of there that day. We end up calling 1800-GOT-JUNK and they got the job done. Let me say, if you are even in a jam, call these guys, they were awesome. OK - enough free advertisement.

After the day was over, I met up with my friend Eddie at a local watering hole for a much needed (and in my opinion, well deserved) beer. I was telling him about my hellish week and after he proceeds to tell me that this bad luck thing is all in my head - the lights in the bar go out. NO LIE! We actually stayed for another hour drinking and we kept laughing at how alkie that was that even though there was a power outage on the block, that didnt stop us. Good times good times.

The Streak Continues

The end of the day was near - all I had to do was get my car and pick up Jake from school, do one errand for work and that was it.

As I back my car out of the parking spot, I didnt realize that my wheel was turned so far.

Also didnt realize that the other car was crooked.

I did however, realize that the back of my car broke the side mirror of the car. A brand new something or other - it was white I think...still had paper plates, noticed that for sure.

Great, huh!

I left my card with the parking dudes to give to the owner so I can buy them a new mirrow. My luck it will cost like $500.

I need to start purchasing karma at this point. Anyone got some for sale?

All In One Day

Day started out in an interesting manner when the Jakeman decides to tell me that his penis is "getting taller and hurting"

OK - at 730am, what do I do with that?

He's asking me why its happening and what he can do to make it feel better...I seriously dont know what to say. HE'S 4 AND ASKING ABOUT HARD ON'S PEOPLE! I asked him questions that any mother would ask if it was any "injury". Does it hurt when you pee? Does it hurt all the time? Does it get hard at school or only at home. Hell what can I ask? Figured my day couldnt get any "worse" boy was I wrong...

After I dropped Jake at his school and off to work.

Work was busy as usual and I've been trying to catch up on some of my monthly paperpushing duties. About midafternoon someone announces that there is water coming in from the door. The back door near my desk is next to the bathrooms - oh yeah. Pipe burst in the men's room and the water was not only in the hallway but seeping into our suite. Off I go to get papertowels to (try) to block the water from coming in and get the mop to try to get as much of it up. Because I was walking around in the water - I managed to get my shoes and the bottom of my pants wet, then my interview showed up. Greeaaattt. There I sat, in wet shoes and socks. You know when you can feel your socks are wet and there is just not a damn thing you can do about it? Yeah, me during that interview. I wrap it up as soon as possible and when I get back to my desk I opt to borrow my cubby buddy's foot heater. I take my shoes off and try to get my socks to dry. During all this I'm checking my email and find out that someone coming in for a supervisor position decided to take another job offer (bastard!), he was my #1 choice so damn, oh well. Someone comes by my desk and I'm rolling around and end up rolling the chair over my pinkie toe.

Seriously not my day.

Then I get an email that there is a this weird smell by the soda machine (the freaking dreaded soda machine). Since my allergies have kicked it up a notch, I cant smell a thing. I recruit our temp receptionist but nothing again. I get down on all fours to see if something had spilled underneath when a manager and director walk into the area. I seriously have no timing for being found in inappropriate positions at work.

Finally the day is coming to an end and I go to pick up Jake. Last time I was 5 minutes late, they charged me $10 so I was in a bit of a rush to get there. Barely made it - with 1 minute to spare. Then I get on the normal route to get home. God I love having my kid in the car...the conversations, the jokes - the use of the carpool lane. Then as I'm driving down the carpool lane on the 134, a chipper gets behind me and lights me up. I just know that its because he thinks I'm the only person in my car. He forces me to get out of the carpool lane and pulls up next to me and asks me if there is anyone else in the car. I tell him yes (through my closed/broken driver side window). Then he tells me to lower my window. I'm screaming "I CANT! ITS BROKEN!" I'm at a crawl in the regular lane and he's going at my speed in the carpool lane. He asks me again - "ARE YOU ALONE?" I scream back "No! My son is in he car! He's 4 years old!" Now I dont know if he heard me or lost interest but he drove on, and I got stuck in the non carpool lane until the next time the carpool lane opened up.

Time for bed - hoping tomorrow will be better. Probably not since Mercury is back in Retrograde.

Weekend - Things to Do

• Clean Apartment
• Return some merchandise to Victoria's Secret
• Go see Devil Wears Prada or Pirates
• See Season 2 of The Shield
• Find source of mysterious smell in apartment
• Rearrange apartment furniture
• Babysit father while mother is out of town
• ITALY VS FRANCE BABY!!!

Um...how can I put this?

My exciting Friday night consisted of taking Jake to Chuck E. Cheese and making phone calls to people trying to share something so incredibly funny that its beyond words.

I'll try to describe...but no matter what I type, I cannot do it justice.

Jake and I arrived at Chuck E. Cheese's about 7pm after a long week and an even longer day. First of all, I never knew they sold anything other than pizza and the salad bar. I ended up order a hot dog for the kid and I got myself a chicken sandwich. No, thats not the funny part.

After we order our food and find a table, we hit the games. First thing Jacob runs to is one of those video game dance machines - you know the ones that a HUGE craze in Japan. Well there is this guy on the machine.

At first I thought it was odd because
1) he was sort of cute
2) he was about 27
3) he had athletic gear on.

So Jake starts getting on the player one side and the guy tells him that he needs both of them (freak alert! freak alert!). I'm intrigued (in that car accident sort of way). He picks some expert level and goes to town on that machine.

Now - I'm not saying he was good - but I'm wondering why this guy was at Chuck E. Cheese's at 7pm on a Friday night, ALONE.

So he's jumping back and forth, concentrating and dancing his little heart out... then...THEN when he finishes...

The coup d'etat

He whips out the water bottle AND THE TOWEL!!!

I immediately start dialing on my cell phone. I tried talking to people in Spanish trying to tell them what I'm witnessing but I cant - I have to wait until I'm at a safe distance to properly mock this guy.

About 20 minutes later...he's battling an 11yr old.

While Jake and I are eating - I notice that he goes to refill his water bottle from the soda machine and goes to the restroom. Here I thought that he was going to freshen up and go home. Oh no...he does not.

He gets back on that machine and keeps on rockin.

Jake and I leave at 830pm and he was still there.

I totally forgot to ask the hostess if he was there every Friday night - so I can get a group together to see him next week.

Is there really nothing better to report? REALLY?!?!

Crow believed to be oldest in world dies

BEARSVILLE, N.Y. - There's no way to prove Tata was the world's oldest crow when he died Sunday at age 59. But an expert on crows says it's possible.

Tata's tale began in 1947 when a thunderstorm blew the fledgling out of his nest in a Long Island cemetery, a mishap that likely led to his long life. Injured and unable to fly, the bird was scooped up by a cemetery caretaker and brought to a local family with a reputation for taking care of animals, Tata's most recent owner, Kristine Flones, told the Daily Freeman of Kingston.

"He was never able to fly, so he became their family pet," said Flones, a wildlife rehabilitator in the Woodstock, N.Y., hamlet of Bearsville, 95 miles north of New York City.

The Manetta family took care of Tata for more than half a century but gave the bird to Flones in 2001 because of their own health problems.

Blinded by cataracts and 54 years old when she got him, Tata was still a wonderful pet, Flones said.

"When you came around him, his energy was very beautiful," she told the newspaper. "It was as if he were exuding or giving off a loving energy."

"It's an incredibly old bird," said Kevin McGowan, an ornithologist at Cornell University who has studied crows for more than 20 years. "They don't live that old in the wild."

McGowan said the oldest living crow he has documented in the wild is a bird he banded as a fledgling and has tracked for 15 years. There is an unsubstantiated claim of a 29- or 30-year-old crow in the wild, but he knows of no older crows, tame or otherwise.

While claims of animal longevity are tough to verify, McGowan said, "This one sounded pretty reasonable to me."

In an environment without predators, communicable disease or the likelihood of a fatal accident, a crow could grow as old as Tata, he said.

Flones said Tata was still active and alert in his later years, to the point each spring that he called out from inside the house to crows outside, often loudly and beginning at 5 a.m. (source)

I keep forgetting this is Anna's only form of entertainment throughout the day...

Hey Anna...

How are you?

I think I am going to renew my seats - are you still sitting in the same section? Oh yes, we've discussed the "we" factor. I digress.

Been busy today.

Sharpened 40 pencils for the owner of the company and am getting ready to go on a hiring binge for two positions.

The pain in my ass soda machine finally got fixed. I actually hugged it this morning.

I had some pad thai chicken today with some spicy as fuck peanut sauce. You know me - I dont likey the spicy. After the first bite I was waving my hand at my mouth and saying "Hot Hot" but no one cared.

Sucks Blake is back - I'm telling you when his contract is up he's going to announce his retirement. Its like we are the convalescent home for hockey players. They come here to make a nice cushion, conveniently get hurt, get a nice tan, then retire or move on. Fuckers.

I had to run an errand and I saw this tranny that looked like he just gave up on the dressing up thing. He had the high heeled boots, waxed eyebrows, thick lips, but other than that, looked rather homeless. Maybe I shouldnt jest.

I think I killed this new pencil sharpner - its making some weird noise.

Wanna Kill Some Time and Pull Out Some Hair?

Try working on this: 100 Riddles of Riddles.

YES!!!

I totally rock and I'm buying myself a drink.

FREA - TO THE - DEAKY

Today's horoscope is so dead on its freaking me out.

Daily Overview for July 03, 2006
Provided by Astrology.com

Quickie: Today offers you a chance to push your plans into high gear. Things are happening!

Overview: Aren't you tired of underestimating your own importance? Is it any wonder that you feel underappreciated by those in a position to advance you? Your self-worth is far greater than you estimate.

Extended: There's a big opportunity coming your way today, so you need to be ready to jump at a moment's notice. Even if the morning's energy seems subdued or even quiet, there will be major things happening all around you as the day progresses. This could be a behind-the-scenes type of situation, so feel free to ask questions and consult the people around you to find out what's really going on. Let your curiosity drive you, and you may discover happy surprises.

Does this mean I should make more than 3 postings today?

Daily Overview for June 29, 2006

Provided by Astrology.com
Daily Extended Forecast

Quickie:Excessive behavior is a waste of time, especially today. Pare down your lifestyle.

Overview:You inner drama queen is clamoring to get out. Some of these attention-getting behaviors work in your favor right now. Go ahead and be over-the-top. Sweet or naughty -- it's up to you. You better work it!

East Coast Adventure Day 3 - NO FUCKING WAY!

**I know I'm a little delayed in posting it, but better late than never!**

The day after the Deadhead concert, I woke up at noon, partly to recover from all the traveling and because of the time change. I try very hard to adjust to any time change as quickly as possible in order to get the most out of my trip.

Since it was lunchtime, Captain Tivo decided to take me around the city and first stop was to eat. See - this is how you treat a visitor, you take them to what they want! I have to say that with certain things - I can be a rather picky eater. Since pizza is one of my favorite foods, I can get rather snotty about it. But by god, this was the best fucking pizza I have ever had in my life. It was a bruchetta pizza and it was so good that I called my mom while I was eating it to rave about it. Of course she asked me to bring her some, but its not like its Pollo Campero or anything...geez. (Pollo Campero is this friend chicken from central america that puts KFC to shame)

So off on the sightseeing we went. Thats one thing I love about a new place, just driving around and seeing whats there. I love seeing the types of houses, the types of shops, everything. As we were turning down the road/highway, I notice this sign to the right. I did a double take to make sure because I couldnt believe what I saw. The name on the sign was "At Your Service" and it was a personal assistant business. You may think, "Whats the big deal about that?" Well the big deal is that about 2 years ago, for my marketing degree, I created THAT EXACT SAME BUSINESS for a class project. I made up the name, the mission statement, the slogan, the marketing plan - EVERYTHING! I could not believe my eyes. For the rest of the trip, I couldnt get passed it and everytime I was able to work it into the conversation I did.

"So Melissa, what do you do?"
"I work for a psychic company, but if thats not interesting enough, some lady in your town stole my fictional business!"

Question of the Day

Question:

Is it

1) Illegal
2) Not PC
3) Just plain wrong

to throw something at a bird that wakes you up before dawn?

I'm going with #2... because I dont want to get a ticket.

What happened to the PROTECT part or Fine Anna - Are You Happy Now?

Last night - I saw a police officer in his vehicle hit a guy on a bicycle. No, I'm not kidding and no, I didn't stop. Lets just say that I had a vision that Vic Mackey was the one that hit the guy and I just wasnt interested in getting involved. I've been watching way too much The Shield.

Back to the story, I was driving to go pick up the Jakeman (real reason I wasnt stopping) and while driving down the road, I saw a cop car pulling out of a driveway - so immediately slowed down. Then I saw what looked like trash go flying up into the air. I was hoping that the cop would get out of his car and pick up the trash - then I realized that the paper that went flying, was not paper, but this guys leg. And the trash can wasnt a trash can but his bike.

First thing I did was call Anna, because she was sure as shit going to be in shock about this as I was.

I'm sure the guy was fine...I saw the cop get out and check on him.

I'm soooo becoming a fan!

I admired the Dixie Chicks when they voiced their opinion of Dubya during a concert some time ago. I'm totally buying their album to show my support.

Bye Bye Mighty

The Ducks unveiled their new look:

So they arent "Mighty" anymore - they look gay now.

And I'm still not intimidated.

Time Flies...

Because of the lack of posts - things have been going on and I've neglected to talk about them on the blog...lets see - quick recap:

Canes are the Stanley Cup Champions!

(source)

I dont know about you, I Tivo'd Game 7 and I was riveted! I had to wait for commercial breaks to get my laundry and go to the bathroom. The Oilers put up one hell of a comeback but they barely missed the boat. That is what hockey is about and I hope next year is just as good.

So this picture is really funny to me:

(source)

Pronger just lays into Recchi and the lady behind the glass is indifferent.

Miami Wins!

I'm happy for Shaq, Pat Riley, and the rest of the Miami Heat team - take that Kobe! Other than that, I could give a rat's ass - moving on.

95% of the time

Went out with some friend's to celebrate Iliana's birthday last weekend..I'm sober 95% of the time. That night was not one of them. Good times and now I'm being quoted on freaking myspace - GREAT!

NACHO!

Saw Nacho Libre last weekend - highly recommended as a good time. Especially with a 4 yr old you have to bribe not to see Garfield: Tale of Two Kitties.

America's Got Talent!

Seriously - this is the new car crash show to watch. Tivo has been programmed with the season pass. Also got passes on The 4400 and Saved. Gotta love summer programming!

I know...I know

Yes, I have lacked in the posting dept. I have been busy at work (my #1 place to post) and at home (the alternate).

Work has been crazy busy. Three people left the company (2 by choice, 1 not) in one week and we hired 3 the following week - so I've been rather preoccupied with that. Not to mention, my 2nd job as the facilities person has gotten a new project to deal with and well - yours truly is actually starting to lose her mind. In addition, the brand new soda machine I got for the office has broken down 3 times in 2 weeks. I swear, if one more person makes a wisecrack about it, I will tell them EXACTLY where they can put that soda.

Its my blog - I do get to rant - did you check the address? Ok, I'm done.

So that covers work - now on to home.

I'm still adjusting to the Jakeman being here. You would ask yourself "Why would she need to adjust? She should just be able to tell him what to do and be done with it" A-HA! You havent met my kid. One day I let him stay home from school because he made such a great argument about not going (including bullies, the lack of time he and I spend together, and the fact that I break his heart anytime I leave him there - no not kidding). I couldnt counter with anything - he had me. Figured he had earned one and let him play hooky that one day. Yeah, school has been a rather hard adjustment for the lad. I try to make it as enjoyable as possible but bottom line is that he doesnt want to be there, he wants to be at home with me...kicking my ass at UNO. But each day is easier - for me mind you - to drop and run.

The 1st day he stayed relatively fine - a little whimpering since he was caught off guard with the move but fine nonetheless.

The 2nd day - the teacher had to literally rip him out of my arms and unhook his legs that were wrapped around my waist. I cried for about 10 minutes in the car thinking that I was a horrible mother because I allowed him to feel like that. I called the school later on and they said he was having a good time (Im sure they say that to everyone)

The 3rd day - ditch day (just as much for him as it was for me)

The 4th day - He stayed talking to a little boy about the movie CARS - but he did this whimpering lip thing he does...DAMN HIM, here comes the guilt again. When I picked him up, he said it was "his best day ever!" Guilt Gone.

The 5th day - teacher had to hold him while he cried in her arms for me, walked out with a twinge of guilt. Picked him up "I'm so glad I gave school a chance! I love it here!"

The 6th day - wrapped around my legs crying - pushed him towards the teacher and skipped outside (ok, maybe not pushed, but I did skip a little to my car)

So everyday is about the same thing - crying in the morning and pretty happy in the afternoon. I just have to get used it and not fall for the tricks. But he's getting smarter about it, that I knew he's doing the guilt thing so I wont leave him at the school. So now, he's starting his crying and pleading in the car. When that didnt work, he does it at home and refuses to get dressed.

Man - this is going to be fun!