Wednesday Rant

Dear Blond Bitch,

I’d like to congratulate you on being able to piss me off in the time in took to go into the parking structure and get into the elevator this morning. First of all, can I please advise you NOT to smoke your cigarette and talk on your cell phone while trying to maneuver in a parking structure. Having to do two 3 point turns and taking like 5 minutes to do them is an indicator that your mind is not concentrating on the correct activity. Secondly, when you see someone walking behind you its polite to hold the door open for them, especially if I’m RIGHT behind you. Lastly, I’d like to point out that pressing the elevator button once is sufficient to call it down. Pacing back and forth and pressing the button does not make it come down faster. If you are that anxious about getting to your office, may I suggest you take the stairs – especially since your office is on the SECOND FLOOR!

Once again, thank you for being my sunshine this morning.

Respectfully,
Melissa

The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year!

Its time to gather with your fellow man and cheer for those loveable underdogs – your LOS ANGELES KINGS!!

Frozen Fury, the annual game that occurs in Las Vegas where the Kings host some team itching to see strippers and gamble their pension away is the official start of the NHL season. This weekend marked that game and tonight, the Jakeman and I are going to see the Kings host the Ducks at Staples. I can already smell the ice and hear the bodies being thrown into the boards.

I LOVE THIS GAME!

Learning and Realizing Things

Last night I took Jake to the long awaited Dodger game. And by long awaited I mean, that we were supposed to go Monday night for their “miracle of miracle” comebacks game but through a series of events we had no tickets. But I’m not a hater, I won’t play the blame game and name names (Rozanne). I wont say we should have shelled out the ticketmaster fee (Rozanne) and been there to watch the 4 back to back to back to back home runs in the bottom of the ninth inning to tie the game and then win in the bottom of the 10th with Nomar’s two run shot. Plus we got screwed out of our free Dodger Blanket. I had attributed to the many things that happen to me in my life – my so called “misadventures” and happily move on to reliving my night at Chavez Ravine last night where the Boys in Blue took on the Pirates, which in addition to Jake’s newfound appreciation for “Talk Like A Pirate Day” made the night more interesting.

Driving up to the stadium, I decided to take a moment and teach my child something that he can’t learn in a book. Today’s life topic is: SCALPERS. Why I felt it was necessary to point out who the scalpers are and go on to explain what their role is in local economy, I’ll never know. I spent (no lie) 10 minutes telling Jake about how some scalpers buy season tickets and then sell them individually and continued to explain how sometimes you had to buy tickets are more than face value and how this was catering to the fans who didn’t no plan and buy their tickets from the box office beforehand or the evil Ticketmaster.

I then realized that maybe I had gone to far in explaining things to Jake. I like to answer his questions but to break down the role and marketing techniques of a scalper at Dodger Stadium? I loved that I ended the ramble by telling him that “we all learned something new everyday” and he said “yeah, I learned how to read better at school and now about scalpers, good job mom!”

Fabulous.

I also realized later that night that, I have seen more fights at Dodger Stadium than I have anywhere else. I was watching something that seemed to go down in the left field pavilion and made a mental note that I had seen a fight in about 85% of the Dodger games that I have attended. Jake and I were leaving early when a woman rushes past me and screams for security. I hear another guy scream “FIGHT!” The fight was near the exit so as we left Jake saw 10 security guys trying to calm two big guys down. Make that 90%.

Just A Suggestion

If you are interviewing for a position with a company - please dress appropriately because I'm hiring Customer Service Reps - not gay hustlers.

From Professional to Gay in 2.5 seconds

Damn - this is so funny. Giggle away!

Finally! I can use an anecdote...

I've had this in my back pocket for a while now and I wasnt sure how to post it without it seeming rather odd. I needed something to relate to the story so it wouldn’t be so weird, and luckily I found it today.

A while back, someone said to me out of the blue "Did you know that a lamb's vagina is the closest to a human's?" The funny thing, is that I knew what he meant, that if someone is having le sex with le lamb, it’s the closest resemblance feeling wise (ya with me?) Ok so after I gave him this “what the fuck did you do in high school?” look, he explained that a “friend” told him. I said “yeah right” and continued with our conversation.

Few months later, we were chatting about a house he wanted to buy and how it was considered a "farmhouse". I said, “Oh, so you can get a sheep instead of getting a girlfriend, think about it, it will be cheaper and you don’t get the back talk.” He laughed and then said, “Did you know that farmers would put the back legs of a lamb into their boots so the lambs wouldn’t run away” I was speechless for a minute before I said “How in God’s name do you think that I would know that?!?!” Then he said, “You can also go to the edge of something, like a roof or cliff and have the sheep at the edge and they will push back on it so it will be deeper.”

Dude, you could have heard crickets (and this was in the middle of the day).

I just busted up laughing – I couldn’t believe that he said this…frankly I come up with random shit so I appreciate people that do with same with me but I have to get like a dance card with some of the conversations I’ve had with this guy. I asked him who it was that told him all this because if he only said “a friend” I was going to assume it was him and no matter how much he told me otherwise, till the day I died, it was going to be him that did all this with a lamb (or lambs…ewww). He fessed up who it was, but I still tease him on occassion about it possibly being him.

Anyways. back to what I found that allowed me to post this story:

Sudan man forced to 'marry' goat

A Sudanese man has been forced to take a goat as his "wife", after he was caught having sex with the animal.

The goat's owner, Mr Alifi, said he surprised the man with his goat and took him to a council of elders.

They ordered the man, Mr Tombe, to pay a dowry of 15,000 Sudanese dinars ($50) to Mr Alifi.

"We have given him the goat, and as far as we know they are still together," Mr Alifi said.
Mr Alifi, Hai Malakal in Upper Nile State, told the Juba Post newspaper that he heard a loud noise around midnight on 13 February and immediately rushed outside to find Mr Tombe with his goat.

"When I asked him: 'What are you doing there?', he fell off the back of the goat, so I captured and tied him up".

Mr Alifi then called elders to decide how to deal with the case.

"They said I should not take him to the police, but rather let him pay a dowry for my goat because he used it as his wife," Mr Alifi told the newspaper.

Source

I’m sorry, but you have to admit those Elders sure have a sense of humor.

Question of the Day

How can someone pull a muscle in their sleep?

Has this happened to anyone else, because it happened to me this morning! I woke up at the crack of dawn in pain from my left leg. Should I have stretched before I hit the hay or something? Damn what the hell was I dreaming that I pulled something in my leg.

Its still freaking hurts.

Need a Good Laugh?

I know that Knuck does - he works too damn hard since he doesnt email and stuff. Damn I feel powerful with this blog...

Anyways back to my original post:

Ever hear overhear stuff and immediately call a friend or post...it...on...your...blog....? So there is a blog that does that! Its called Overheard At The Office Its awesome.

Here is my favorite so far:

Kindly Do Not Demonstrate
Woman: So if you've never done it before, it's going to hurt the first time and maybe even bleed a bit.
Man: Uh huh.
Woman: So don't be afraid. You should try it. It's definitely worth it.

Other people in elevator shuffle uncomfortably.

Woman: Um...So flossing is crucial to good dental hygiene.

Elevator
Houston, Texas

Victim #1

Q: "Wow, you spent 4 years working at Goodwill. Why did you stay there so long?"
A: "Because I thought it was cool that I could get my clothes there too"

WooHoo!! Open Interviews!

Damn, I know that I'm going to be drained today from all the interviewing I'm going to be doing but I'm excited that I'll be getting some good stories because I just saw the first person.

Just to hold you over...the stingrays are getting their come-uppens for Steve Irwin. Is it wrong that I find this funny?

I love The Onion

Bush Urges Nation To Be Quiet For A Minute While He Tries To Think


WASHINGTON, DC—In a nationally televised address Monday, President Bush urged all citizens, regardless of race, creed, color, or political affiliation, "to quiet down for just one minute" so he could have "a chance to think."

"Every American has an inalienable right to free speech and self-expression," Bush said. "Nonetheless, I call upon the American people to hold off on it for, say, 60 seconds. Just long enough for me to get this all sorted out in my head."

"Please," Bush added.

While the president said achieving a unilateral peace and quiet "would not be easy," he hoped that citizens would respect his wish and work toward a temporary cease-talk so that he could can hear his own thoughts "for once."

Keep reading from The Onion

Took The Words Right Out Of My Mouth

I'm glad someone else has the same theory as I do!


(source)

Meerkat Manor Madness

Has anyone else seen a show on Animal Planet called Meerkat Manor?!?

Its dubbed as All My Children meets Wild Kingdom and it does not disappoint!

Meerkat Manor is a documentary about this this family of meerkats and their adventures in the Sahari Desert in Africa. Ok - so it may sound weak but its not! My coworker Rozanne suggested that I watch it and I tivo'd and episode and WOWIE! I'm hooked! Just so happened to be the season finale so I have to wait until next season to find out what happens to these little meerkats. Thank god for reruns!

How can these little guys cause so much drama?

I don't know, but they do!

Time for a Vote

Am I a dog hater if I think this is ridiculous?

Carry it by the handles or fling the straps around your shoulder or even waist, it enables the dog lover to go out and about with a little furry friend friend literally by their side...

"PuppyPurse makes it easier to take your dog with you, whether you're shopping, fly fishing or just taking a walk and nothing gets in the way of snuggling and kissing your baby whenever you want to,"

Source

The Booby Trap

I lost count as to who this would apply to...

The 4400

I think I gasped like 3 times in about 45 seconds during the season finale.

DAMN YOU SUMMER SHOWS!

DAMN YOU!!!

The Big 3-0

Happy Birthday To Me!

(courtesy of Rozanne)

Happy Birthday To Me!

(courtesy of Rozanne)

Happy Birthday to my funny ass self....

(courtesy of the Jakeman)

Happy Birthday To Me!

(courtesy of Captain Tivo)

Neltflix Rules, Blockbuster Sucks

Last night I had the urge to watch Pretty Woman and Beaches with my cousins, so I headed to Blockbuster to rent them. I have Netflix, but the downfall of it, is that it takes planning to use Netflix. Well, my friends, there are times in my life when I like to be wild and get any the movie my pretty little heart desires to watch. So thus my trip to Blockbuster. I cannot understand for the life of my why the hell I dont own these two "chick flicks" but I dont. That is a problem to be dealt with another day.

So after finally finding a parking spot after circling the lot twice (on a Friday, I dont know what is sadder, that all those people were at the Blockbuster or I was there with them) and waiting in a line for 20 minutes to check out, I realized that I had to reopen my account with Blockbuster because mine is in Ridgecrest. So I'm ready to go and the lady asks for my credit card and picture ID. I had her my debit card and my picture ID. She asks for credit card and I tell her I dont have one. Then she gives me this look like I dont have a freaking car in LA. And she said "YOU dont have a credit card?!?!" Damn, get on the surround system and announce it why dont you. No, thank you, I dont have a credit card, I like owning all my shit. So I ask if she can use the debit card and she said no but if my car is registered in my name I can use that.

WHOA - HOLD THE FREAKING PHONE

If you dont have a credit card, you have to use your CAR REGISTRATION in order to rent a $3.99 movie at Blockbuster?

After I let out a GAFFAW, I walked out.

I love Netflix, I'll happily plan my dvd viewing from now on and if I have an impulse to watch something, I'll buy it. Its an investment dammit.

The Joys Of Parenthood

This morning things were rough in the Jake/Melissa household. The Jakeman was not feeling up to par in the plumbing department and he was finding it hard to evacuate (if you catch my drift).

As a mother, there are times when you do things that you child asks you to do them and you do them because 1) they ask and 2) it will make them feel better. But when someone asks you what happened, you feel like you can’t tell the story because they won’t understand. Parents will but non-parents wont (and by non-parents I mean people that dont usually deal with kids).

They don’t get that waking up covered in pee is just something that happens when your kid has an accident, they think it’s gross. As parents, we’ve come to just get up, take a shower and move on. Non-parents don’t get that having a kid throw up in your hands is just what happens when they don’t have time to make it to the toilet or trash can. Parents just catch as much of it as they can while running to the house to a trash can, sink or toilet, all the while comforting their child by trying to comfort them with their shoulder. Non parents also think that this is gross.

But this morning, while I was trying to comfort Jake in his time of need, the old non-parent Melissa tried to point out the weirdness of the moment. (I feel that years from now, Jake is going to be mad at me for posting this)

He couldn’t go. It was “stuck” and the poor boy was crying. He kept asking me if it was going to stop hurting and I was trying to explain that this happens to everyone and that you just have to ride it out. Then he asked me to look to see if it was coming out. And I did. I could see it. And I told him so. And he sort of felt better but he was still crying. It finally came out. And all was well and he wanted an explanation how the digestive system worked. So I explained it to him and also told him that eating certain foods would help. But I was still in shock of what had happened. To him, it was just par for the course. For me, it was one step more into the deep dark realm of parenthood.

Oh Diddy....

"moisturizes my situation and preserves my sexy" P.Diddy in his infomercial for Pro-Active.

Thanks Will!

The Slacking Of Posts

From Despair.com

Doubt you'll see this on KTLA

STOCKHOLM, Sweden (AP) -- Sweden's state broadcaster SVT on Monday faced ridicule for mistakenly showing a porn movie in the background of a news broadcast over the weekend.
Viewers of a 5-minute news update at midnight Saturday could see explicit scenes from a Czech porn movie on a TV screen behind news anchor Peter Dahlgren.

The monitor -- one of many on the wall of a control room visible behind the studio -- normally shows other news channels during broadcasts.

But staffers who earlier in the evening had watched a sports event on cable channel Canal Plus -- which often shows X-rated films after midnight -- had forgotten to switch it back, said news director Per Yng.

"This is highly embarrassing and unfortunate," Yng said. "It must not happen again."
A producer quickly spotted the sex scenes and ran into the control room and turned off the monitor, Yng said.

He said there had been no complaints from viewers about the mishap, but "enormous interest from media."

Swedish tabloids on Monday poked fun at the steamy broadcast, jokingly changing the name of the show -- Rapport -- to "Rapporn."

Magnus Akerlund, who oversees the hourly news updates, told tabloid Expressen he was "shocked and dismayed" at the mistake.

"It's a huge blunder by us," he said.

LMFAO! This is so something that could happen to anyone and its totally being blown out of proportion. The funny thing is that I'm not helping by posting it on the blog - but come on its HYSTERICAL!

Source

For the Trekkies

(This one is my favorite!)

If you like these, go here to read some more!

Oh Dear God...MUPPET PORN!?!?!

I honestly dont know what to think of this. In one hand - its the Muppets! You can never go wrong with the Muppets. On the other - its Porn. I seriously would have to tune in to see this because well...its MUPPETS AND PORN! I seem to recall a gif going around on the internet where Fozie and Kermit went at it. I thought that I could never get that image out of my head and now BAM! Read on:

First there were Tommy Lee and Pam and Paris and Rick. Now, the public could soon witness an even more shocking celebrity sex romp -- Kermit and Miss Piggy. Seriously. It turns out the creators of "The Muppets" and "Sesame Street" are staging a rude and lewd puppet show- strictly for adults- called "Jim Henson's Puppet Improv."

The live puppet show has already made quite an impression at the annual Edinburgh Fringe arts festival, which features this kind of adult, er, entertainment.

The late Jim Henson's son Brian, director of the "Muppet Christmas" and "Muppet Treasure Island" movies, tells Reuters "That really pleases me," and says he is reveling in the freedom of performing for adults only.

"It is lovely to do a show where you can go wherever your brain takes you," says Henson, winding down after a show where the audience asked the puppeteers to feature six hot dogs auditioning to be Ricky Martin's backup singers.

Henson, who has performed the improvisation show in Aspen and Hollywood, says he hopes to develop the edgy routine into a TV show. Two other projects he is working on are also just for adults.

"There is something really therapeutic for us about this adult improv," he says. So could Fozzie "Bare" and "Groper" be making their way onto the small screen in the near future? One can only hope.

Source: TMZ

Proof of X-Games Attendance

Scott was kind enough to take this picture of Jake and I at the X-Games. There we are in the circle...thats a damn fine camera you got there Scotty Poo.

***SHUDDER***

So there is this Chinese robot named Rong Cheng that has been created an is on display at the Institute of Automation of Chinese Academy of Sciences in Beijing. Rong Cheng is able to respond to some 1,000 Chinese words. She can dance, bow and greet people in the Sichuan dialect as she is destined for the Sichuan Science Museum to serve as a receptionist.

Now: doesnt this freak anyone else out?

Its great for technology an all but she reminds me of THE CARVER and I would not like my coffee served with milk and a slice across the cheek.

X-Games XII

Friday night I took my favorite man to Staples to see something we had never seen before. X-Games in person. I had always been curious about going to an X-games and finally that cat was getting killed.

By far my favorite aspect of the X-Games are the Moto X competition and we ended up watching the Moto X Best Trick competition that night. Let me say WOW - if you think that its impressive watching it on tv, you should really go in person. Scotty poo was there as well and my kid that the pleasure, no dare I say honor of meeting him that night for the first time.

Most memorable part of the night was when Travis Pastrana did his now infamous double backflip on the motorbike. Here is a video that Scott took with his phone.

Whats funny about this whole thing is that they kept playing it up, that Pastrana was going to do the backflip. I thought it was boloney and texted Scott telling him so, but I'll be damned if the guy didnt go out there and spin his little ass off on that bike.

Mabel vs. Barney

In a head to head battle - who do you think won?

Mabel - Elvis's cherished teddy bear valued at $75,000

OR

Barney - the Doberman Pincher entrusted to protect and serve.

Read this article about it but I do have to quote from it because its that good...

"But for some reason Barney, the Dobermann pinscher charged with protecting the precious cuddly toy and the other fluffy exhibits, took against them, going on the rampage in a frenzied after-hours attack.

Mabel was disembowled of her soft stuffing and had her head severed. The damage is believed to be irreperable.

"Barney has been a model guard dog for more than six years. I still can't believe what happened," security guard Greg West was quoted as saying after the attack on Tuesday night.

"Either there was a rogue scent of some kind on Mabel, which switched on Barney's deepest instincts, or it could have been jealousy. I was just stroking Mabel and saying what a nice bear she was."

LMFAO!!!!

A JOKE!

The New Job
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."

The frightened passenger, apologized to the driver, and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's my entire fault, today is my first day driving a cab.... I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

On A Mission...

I’m on a mission to get my name on a blog. I think I found an in and way to entice this person to do this for me. My coworker Amaya met Trent from Pink is the New Blog and she wants me to do something for her. I told her that if she can get Trent to give me a shout out on his blog, I’ll do it. She has until Aug 31st to complete this task.

Updates and News and Stuff

Life just keeps on truckin’ doesn’t it?

Captain Tivo was in town last week and oh what fun was had. Even though he lived in Cali for a bit he never got to really experience LA much less, MY LA.

Quick recap of events:
1) Medieval Times
2) Universal Studios
3) Tokyo Delve’s
4) Stinking Rose
5) Howl At The Moon (where SOMEONE nearly re-enacted a scene from the Fabulous Baker Boys)

Fun had by all.

Last night – something so funny happened to Jacob and me that we were both speechless. And if you know us, this is NOT an easy feat! Jake and I made up some characters for some continuing adventures that are told as bedtime stories. These superhero-ish characters are Captain Underpants, Booger Boy, Fartman, and someone else who escapes me at the moment. Well we make up stupid problems, like no spaghetti in the world and they have to use their super powers to fight the evil doers. Captain Underpants throws underwear, Booger Boy throws boogers and Fartman – well you know.

So Jake and I are at Borders killing time until our movie started (Ant Bully is sooo funny, highly recommended). We were in the kids section looking for new books for us to read at night. I wanted to graduate from the books you can read in one sitting to books with chapters so we can put them down and continue the next night and so on. We were searching when we find something so amazing that I can only post the picture to share.

UNFREAKING BELIEVABLE!!!

You bet your ass I bought the books and so far, into book 1 (out of 8), its pretty damn funny. I might have to do updates on the adventures of Captain Underpants. I swear I didnt know this existed.

Finally going to get to go home and relax tonight. Been out and about too much (although not as much as Scotty poo!).

Finished reading my July book - The Lovely Bones. Such a great book, very well written but the ending didnt really fly with me. Heard they were making a movie out of it with Dakota Fanning as Susie. Hmmm.

Movie review from the weekend - CRASH. Yup finally saw it. Pretty good, was rather riveted.

Crossing something from the NEVER HAVE DONE list - going to see the X Games live on Friday night. Rather excited about that!!!

Peace out homies see Scott and Anna...I posted!

I say Sake You Say BOMB!!

Another successful night at Tokyo Delve's last night. Had a group of friend gather there since Captain Tivo is in town and ended up popping a few Tokyo Delve's cherries that night.

I think we ended up having 4 kegs of beer and god knows how many sakes.

Here is Scott's review of the night.

my review;

sake bombs have adverse effect on me the next morning.
the end

After Tokyo Delves we walked over to Starbucks to get some coffee to try to wake us up a bit, here is Scott's review on that:

starbucks;
don't have fun, they frown on it.
leave the toilet seat down.
homeless people are funny.

When my headache goes away, I might post some more.

Anna - any details to add?

LA Weekly Is BANNED!!!

You notice a level of quality in candidates depending where you post a job.

As of today - I am not advertising in LA Weekly anymore.

Here are some examples of behavior from my interviews today, remember I grade candidates on appearance, intelligence, and the way you present yourself.

1) Spent 10 minutes inconspicously (or so he thought) trying to open up a mint. Then when he thought I wasnt looking he popped it in his mouth.
2) Had horrible B.O. So horrible that I skipped through certain portions of the interview because I knew he wasnt going to get through me so I can get some fresh air.
3) Forgot to wear her dentures.
4) Spent 45 minutes filling out an application and DIDNT FINISH!
5) When I ask "What did you do from December of 2003 to February of 2004?" got out of his chair to verify the information from the resume and then told me that it was only one month and that he was unemployed. Hmmm... December (1), January (2), February (3) - 3 months man!
6) When asked "Do you have any issues or qualms about getting psychic readings?" The answer was "No, I'm computer savvy"
7) Inquired about his lack of resume - answer "Well, I honestly didnt think I'd need one" After some more discussion about his background I state "See, this is why its a good idea to bring a resume" He blows off my comment and looks at his little cheat sheet card to see what another job was that he worked at and mumbles under his breath, "Damn I have alcohol on the brain."

P/S #1, #6, and #7 was the same person.

And The Total Is...

Got the total to replace the broken mirror.

$181.28

It was a Ford Focus.

So I'm reading the bill and the part was $84.32 and the labor was $90! NINETY DOLLARS!!! Hell, I would have taken a screwdriver and done it myself.

Oh well...

No Confidence Vote

I officially have no confidence that Rob Blake will be a strong defenseman this year. Just look at this picture! What do you think the caption should be?

Let's have a contest!

Hellish Friday

Hopefully Friday was the last of my bad luck. Friday was the day that I was to clean out the old office and turn it over to the new tenants. I had scheduled a pick up with Out of the Closet thrift stores to come get our old office furniture. After a lot of running around (I had already shown up to the office once), I was set at the office about 12pm to await the arrival of OOTC.

1230pm Andrew shows up.

1235pm he informs me that they are not interested in any of the stuff we want to give them.

WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!

He starts to tell me about their "standards" and shit. Ok - with the week I had been having so far, I wanted to beat that man with a broken arm rest from a chair. He leaves, I call my boss and beg for help. I'm supposed to be out of there that day. We end up calling 1800-GOT-JUNK and they got the job done. Let me say, if you are even in a jam, call these guys, they were awesome. OK - enough free advertisement.

After the day was over, I met up with my friend Eddie at a local watering hole for a much needed (and in my opinion, well deserved) beer. I was telling him about my hellish week and after he proceeds to tell me that this bad luck thing is all in my head - the lights in the bar go out. NO LIE! We actually stayed for another hour drinking and we kept laughing at how alkie that was that even though there was a power outage on the block, that didnt stop us. Good times good times.

The Streak Continues

The end of the day was near - all I had to do was get my car and pick up Jake from school, do one errand for work and that was it.

As I back my car out of the parking spot, I didnt realize that my wheel was turned so far.

Also didnt realize that the other car was crooked.

I did however, realize that the back of my car broke the side mirror of the car. A brand new something or other - it was white I think...still had paper plates, noticed that for sure.

Great, huh!

I left my card with the parking dudes to give to the owner so I can buy them a new mirrow. My luck it will cost like $500.

I need to start purchasing karma at this point. Anyone got some for sale?

All In One Day

Day started out in an interesting manner when the Jakeman decides to tell me that his penis is "getting taller and hurting"

OK - at 730am, what do I do with that?

He's asking me why its happening and what he can do to make it feel better...I seriously dont know what to say. HE'S 4 AND ASKING ABOUT HARD ON'S PEOPLE! I asked him questions that any mother would ask if it was any "injury". Does it hurt when you pee? Does it hurt all the time? Does it get hard at school or only at home. Hell what can I ask? Figured my day couldnt get any "worse" boy was I wrong...

After I dropped Jake at his school and off to work.

Work was busy as usual and I've been trying to catch up on some of my monthly paperpushing duties. About midafternoon someone announces that there is water coming in from the door. The back door near my desk is next to the bathrooms - oh yeah. Pipe burst in the men's room and the water was not only in the hallway but seeping into our suite. Off I go to get papertowels to (try) to block the water from coming in and get the mop to try to get as much of it up. Because I was walking around in the water - I managed to get my shoes and the bottom of my pants wet, then my interview showed up. Greeaaattt. There I sat, in wet shoes and socks. You know when you can feel your socks are wet and there is just not a damn thing you can do about it? Yeah, me during that interview. I wrap it up as soon as possible and when I get back to my desk I opt to borrow my cubby buddy's foot heater. I take my shoes off and try to get my socks to dry. During all this I'm checking my email and find out that someone coming in for a supervisor position decided to take another job offer (bastard!), he was my #1 choice so damn, oh well. Someone comes by my desk and I'm rolling around and end up rolling the chair over my pinkie toe.

Seriously not my day.

Then I get an email that there is a this weird smell by the soda machine (the freaking dreaded soda machine). Since my allergies have kicked it up a notch, I cant smell a thing. I recruit our temp receptionist but nothing again. I get down on all fours to see if something had spilled underneath when a manager and director walk into the area. I seriously have no timing for being found in inappropriate positions at work.

Finally the day is coming to an end and I go to pick up Jake. Last time I was 5 minutes late, they charged me $10 so I was in a bit of a rush to get there. Barely made it - with 1 minute to spare. Then I get on the normal route to get home. God I love having my kid in the car...the conversations, the jokes - the use of the carpool lane. Then as I'm driving down the carpool lane on the 134, a chipper gets behind me and lights me up. I just know that its because he thinks I'm the only person in my car. He forces me to get out of the carpool lane and pulls up next to me and asks me if there is anyone else in the car. I tell him yes (through my closed/broken driver side window). Then he tells me to lower my window. I'm screaming "I CANT! ITS BROKEN!" I'm at a crawl in the regular lane and he's going at my speed in the carpool lane. He asks me again - "ARE YOU ALONE?" I scream back "No! My son is in he car! He's 4 years old!" Now I dont know if he heard me or lost interest but he drove on, and I got stuck in the non carpool lane until the next time the carpool lane opened up.

Time for bed - hoping tomorrow will be better. Probably not since Mercury is back in Retrograde.

Weekend - Things to Do

• Clean Apartment
• Return some merchandise to Victoria's Secret
• Go see Devil Wears Prada or Pirates
• See Season 2 of The Shield
• Find source of mysterious smell in apartment
• Rearrange apartment furniture
• Babysit father while mother is out of town
• ITALY VS FRANCE BABY!!!

Um...how can I put this?

My exciting Friday night consisted of taking Jake to Chuck E. Cheese and making phone calls to people trying to share something so incredibly funny that its beyond words.

I'll try to describe...but no matter what I type, I cannot do it justice.

Jake and I arrived at Chuck E. Cheese's about 7pm after a long week and an even longer day. First of all, I never knew they sold anything other than pizza and the salad bar. I ended up order a hot dog for the kid and I got myself a chicken sandwich. No, thats not the funny part.

After we order our food and find a table, we hit the games. First thing Jacob runs to is one of those video game dance machines - you know the ones that a HUGE craze in Japan. Well there is this guy on the machine.

At first I thought it was odd because
1) he was sort of cute
2) he was about 27
3) he had athletic gear on.

So Jake starts getting on the player one side and the guy tells him that he needs both of them (freak alert! freak alert!). I'm intrigued (in that car accident sort of way). He picks some expert level and goes to town on that machine.

Now - I'm not saying he was good - but I'm wondering why this guy was at Chuck E. Cheese's at 7pm on a Friday night, ALONE.

So he's jumping back and forth, concentrating and dancing his little heart out... then...THEN when he finishes...

The coup d'etat

He whips out the water bottle AND THE TOWEL!!!

I immediately start dialing on my cell phone. I tried talking to people in Spanish trying to tell them what I'm witnessing but I cant - I have to wait until I'm at a safe distance to properly mock this guy.

About 20 minutes later...he's battling an 11yr old.

While Jake and I are eating - I notice that he goes to refill his water bottle from the soda machine and goes to the restroom. Here I thought that he was going to freshen up and go home. Oh no...he does not.

He gets back on that machine and keeps on rockin.

Jake and I leave at 830pm and he was still there.

I totally forgot to ask the hostess if he was there every Friday night - so I can get a group together to see him next week.

Is there really nothing better to report? REALLY?!?!

Crow believed to be oldest in world dies

BEARSVILLE, N.Y. - There's no way to prove Tata was the world's oldest crow when he died Sunday at age 59. But an expert on crows says it's possible.

Tata's tale began in 1947 when a thunderstorm blew the fledgling out of his nest in a Long Island cemetery, a mishap that likely led to his long life. Injured and unable to fly, the bird was scooped up by a cemetery caretaker and brought to a local family with a reputation for taking care of animals, Tata's most recent owner, Kristine Flones, told the Daily Freeman of Kingston.

"He was never able to fly, so he became their family pet," said Flones, a wildlife rehabilitator in the Woodstock, N.Y., hamlet of Bearsville, 95 miles north of New York City.

The Manetta family took care of Tata for more than half a century but gave the bird to Flones in 2001 because of their own health problems.

Blinded by cataracts and 54 years old when she got him, Tata was still a wonderful pet, Flones said.

"When you came around him, his energy was very beautiful," she told the newspaper. "It was as if he were exuding or giving off a loving energy."

"It's an incredibly old bird," said Kevin McGowan, an ornithologist at Cornell University who has studied crows for more than 20 years. "They don't live that old in the wild."

McGowan said the oldest living crow he has documented in the wild is a bird he banded as a fledgling and has tracked for 15 years. There is an unsubstantiated claim of a 29- or 30-year-old crow in the wild, but he knows of no older crows, tame or otherwise.

While claims of animal longevity are tough to verify, McGowan said, "This one sounded pretty reasonable to me."

In an environment without predators, communicable disease or the likelihood of a fatal accident, a crow could grow as old as Tata, he said.

Flones said Tata was still active and alert in his later years, to the point each spring that he called out from inside the house to crows outside, often loudly and beginning at 5 a.m. (source)

I keep forgetting this is Anna's only form of entertainment throughout the day...

Hey Anna...

How are you?

I think I am going to renew my seats - are you still sitting in the same section? Oh yes, we've discussed the "we" factor. I digress.

Been busy today.

Sharpened 40 pencils for the owner of the company and am getting ready to go on a hiring binge for two positions.

The pain in my ass soda machine finally got fixed. I actually hugged it this morning.

I had some pad thai chicken today with some spicy as fuck peanut sauce. You know me - I dont likey the spicy. After the first bite I was waving my hand at my mouth and saying "Hot Hot" but no one cared.

Sucks Blake is back - I'm telling you when his contract is up he's going to announce his retirement. Its like we are the convalescent home for hockey players. They come here to make a nice cushion, conveniently get hurt, get a nice tan, then retire or move on. Fuckers.

I had to run an errand and I saw this tranny that looked like he just gave up on the dressing up thing. He had the high heeled boots, waxed eyebrows, thick lips, but other than that, looked rather homeless. Maybe I shouldnt jest.

I think I killed this new pencil sharpner - its making some weird noise.

Wanna Kill Some Time and Pull Out Some Hair?

Try working on this: 100 Riddles of Riddles.

YES!!!

I totally rock and I'm buying myself a drink.

FREA - TO THE - DEAKY

Today's horoscope is so dead on its freaking me out.

Daily Overview for July 03, 2006
Provided by Astrology.com

Quickie: Today offers you a chance to push your plans into high gear. Things are happening!

Overview: Aren't you tired of underestimating your own importance? Is it any wonder that you feel underappreciated by those in a position to advance you? Your self-worth is far greater than you estimate.

Extended: There's a big opportunity coming your way today, so you need to be ready to jump at a moment's notice. Even if the morning's energy seems subdued or even quiet, there will be major things happening all around you as the day progresses. This could be a behind-the-scenes type of situation, so feel free to ask questions and consult the people around you to find out what's really going on. Let your curiosity drive you, and you may discover happy surprises.

Does this mean I should make more than 3 postings today?

Daily Overview for June 29, 2006

Provided by Astrology.com
Daily Extended Forecast

Quickie:Excessive behavior is a waste of time, especially today. Pare down your lifestyle.

Overview:You inner drama queen is clamoring to get out. Some of these attention-getting behaviors work in your favor right now. Go ahead and be over-the-top. Sweet or naughty -- it's up to you. You better work it!

East Coast Adventure Day 3 - NO FUCKING WAY!

**I know I'm a little delayed in posting it, but better late than never!**

The day after the Deadhead concert, I woke up at noon, partly to recover from all the traveling and because of the time change. I try very hard to adjust to any time change as quickly as possible in order to get the most out of my trip.

Since it was lunchtime, Captain Tivo decided to take me around the city and first stop was to eat. See - this is how you treat a visitor, you take them to what they want! I have to say that with certain things - I can be a rather picky eater. Since pizza is one of my favorite foods, I can get rather snotty about it. But by god, this was the best fucking pizza I have ever had in my life. It was a bruchetta pizza and it was so good that I called my mom while I was eating it to rave about it. Of course she asked me to bring her some, but its not like its Pollo Campero or anything...geez. (Pollo Campero is this friend chicken from central america that puts KFC to shame)

So off on the sightseeing we went. Thats one thing I love about a new place, just driving around and seeing whats there. I love seeing the types of houses, the types of shops, everything. As we were turning down the road/highway, I notice this sign to the right. I did a double take to make sure because I couldnt believe what I saw. The name on the sign was "At Your Service" and it was a personal assistant business. You may think, "Whats the big deal about that?" Well the big deal is that about 2 years ago, for my marketing degree, I created THAT EXACT SAME BUSINESS for a class project. I made up the name, the mission statement, the slogan, the marketing plan - EVERYTHING! I could not believe my eyes. For the rest of the trip, I couldnt get passed it and everytime I was able to work it into the conversation I did.

"So Melissa, what do you do?"
"I work for a psychic company, but if thats not interesting enough, some lady in your town stole my fictional business!"

Question of the Day

Question:

Is it

1) Illegal
2) Not PC
3) Just plain wrong

to throw something at a bird that wakes you up before dawn?

I'm going with #2... because I dont want to get a ticket.

What happened to the PROTECT part or Fine Anna - Are You Happy Now?

Last night - I saw a police officer in his vehicle hit a guy on a bicycle. No, I'm not kidding and no, I didn't stop. Lets just say that I had a vision that Vic Mackey was the one that hit the guy and I just wasnt interested in getting involved. I've been watching way too much The Shield.

Back to the story, I was driving to go pick up the Jakeman (real reason I wasnt stopping) and while driving down the road, I saw a cop car pulling out of a driveway - so immediately slowed down. Then I saw what looked like trash go flying up into the air. I was hoping that the cop would get out of his car and pick up the trash - then I realized that the paper that went flying, was not paper, but this guys leg. And the trash can wasnt a trash can but his bike.

First thing I did was call Anna, because she was sure as shit going to be in shock about this as I was.

I'm sure the guy was fine...I saw the cop get out and check on him.

I'm soooo becoming a fan!

I admired the Dixie Chicks when they voiced their opinion of Dubya during a concert some time ago. I'm totally buying their album to show my support.

Bye Bye Mighty

The Ducks unveiled their new look:

So they arent "Mighty" anymore - they look gay now.

And I'm still not intimidated.

Time Flies...

Because of the lack of posts - things have been going on and I've neglected to talk about them on the blog...lets see - quick recap:

Canes are the Stanley Cup Champions!

(source)

I dont know about you, I Tivo'd Game 7 and I was riveted! I had to wait for commercial breaks to get my laundry and go to the bathroom. The Oilers put up one hell of a comeback but they barely missed the boat. That is what hockey is about and I hope next year is just as good.

So this picture is really funny to me:

(source)

Pronger just lays into Recchi and the lady behind the glass is indifferent.

Miami Wins!

I'm happy for Shaq, Pat Riley, and the rest of the Miami Heat team - take that Kobe! Other than that, I could give a rat's ass - moving on.

95% of the time

Went out with some friend's to celebrate Iliana's birthday last weekend..I'm sober 95% of the time. That night was not one of them. Good times and now I'm being quoted on freaking myspace - GREAT!

NACHO!

Saw Nacho Libre last weekend - highly recommended as a good time. Especially with a 4 yr old you have to bribe not to see Garfield: Tale of Two Kitties.

America's Got Talent!

Seriously - this is the new car crash show to watch. Tivo has been programmed with the season pass. Also got passes on The 4400 and Saved. Gotta love summer programming!

I know...I know

Yes, I have lacked in the posting dept. I have been busy at work (my #1 place to post) and at home (the alternate).

Work has been crazy busy. Three people left the company (2 by choice, 1 not) in one week and we hired 3 the following week - so I've been rather preoccupied with that. Not to mention, my 2nd job as the facilities person has gotten a new project to deal with and well - yours truly is actually starting to lose her mind. In addition, the brand new soda machine I got for the office has broken down 3 times in 2 weeks. I swear, if one more person makes a wisecrack about it, I will tell them EXACTLY where they can put that soda.

Its my blog - I do get to rant - did you check the address? Ok, I'm done.

So that covers work - now on to home.

I'm still adjusting to the Jakeman being here. You would ask yourself "Why would she need to adjust? She should just be able to tell him what to do and be done with it" A-HA! You havent met my kid. One day I let him stay home from school because he made such a great argument about not going (including bullies, the lack of time he and I spend together, and the fact that I break his heart anytime I leave him there - no not kidding). I couldnt counter with anything - he had me. Figured he had earned one and let him play hooky that one day. Yeah, school has been a rather hard adjustment for the lad. I try to make it as enjoyable as possible but bottom line is that he doesnt want to be there, he wants to be at home with me...kicking my ass at UNO. But each day is easier - for me mind you - to drop and run.

The 1st day he stayed relatively fine - a little whimpering since he was caught off guard with the move but fine nonetheless.

The 2nd day - the teacher had to literally rip him out of my arms and unhook his legs that were wrapped around my waist. I cried for about 10 minutes in the car thinking that I was a horrible mother because I allowed him to feel like that. I called the school later on and they said he was having a good time (Im sure they say that to everyone)

The 3rd day - ditch day (just as much for him as it was for me)

The 4th day - He stayed talking to a little boy about the movie CARS - but he did this whimpering lip thing he does...DAMN HIM, here comes the guilt again. When I picked him up, he said it was "his best day ever!" Guilt Gone.

The 5th day - teacher had to hold him while he cried in her arms for me, walked out with a twinge of guilt. Picked him up "I'm so glad I gave school a chance! I love it here!"

The 6th day - wrapped around my legs crying - pushed him towards the teacher and skipped outside (ok, maybe not pushed, but I did skip a little to my car)

So everyday is about the same thing - crying in the morning and pretty happy in the afternoon. I just have to get used it and not fall for the tricks. But he's getting smarter about it, that I knew he's doing the guilt thing so I wont leave him at the school. So now, he's starting his crying and pleading in the car. When that didnt work, he does it at home and refuses to get dressed.

Man - this is going to be fun!

Irony? I HOPE SO!

This is the best thing to show up to on a Monday morning.

We found this across the street from our office building this morning. I hope the person who chose to put it there, knew what we did for a living.



P/S If you dont know this about me, I work at a psychic company.

Trying To Make A Good First Impression

Today was the Jakeman's first day in his new school. Wow time flies. I have been dealing with the big change for a while that it almost seemed as if it was never going to happen. But low and behold here we are.

I got up early and was all up for making lunch for Jake's first day. The ole traditional sack lunch. So there I was at 630am making my kid's lunch for school.

Ham and Cheese sandwich - CHECK
Bag of Chips - CHECK
A bag of apple slices - CHECK
Some cookies - CHECK
Some crackers - CHECK
A bottle of water - CHECK
A brown bag - ....

A brown bag - ...?

DAMN! I had no brown bag! My illusion was dying rather quickly. Then I remembered that my friend had brought some wine bottles for dinner last week and the wine was in a brown bag. So yeah! I found a brown bag! But it was quite evident that it was a liquor bag. Then I felt like the teacher would think that I was an alkie because I sent my kid's lunch in a freaking liquor bag and not a regular brown paper bag.

So I did what any paranoid parent would do.

I cut the bag.

Yup, I cut the bag down to a more respectable size.

I dropped him of and he really seemed to like the new school. As I walked out, he was introducing himself to some of the kids. I called the school later that morning to check up on him.

Me: Hi! This is Jacob's mom. Just wondering how Jacob is adjusting
Teacher: Oh, he's doing fine. Adjusting really well.
Me: Great! I was a bit concerned, because Jacob can be a bit of a smart ass.
Teacher: Yes, we've noticed.

HOLY CRAP! Two hours in?!?!?! Must be a new record. Maybe I shouldnt be the only one worried.

East Coast Experience Day 2: Complete and Utter Redemption

During our day hike, my friend and I started talking about politics. Since we are opposites on a lot of issues (not to mention hobbies), its always fun to get into it with him.

Ladies and Gents: Senor TiVo a registered Republican and card carrying member of the NRA admitted to me that George Bush is a moron.

Still gloating.

East Coast Adventure Day 2 - My First Dead Head Experience

After arriving in New York and going on a small hike in the hills near the apartment of my friend, Senor Tivo. We took off for Pennsylvania and where we were going to hang out with his family for the weekend.

Senor TiVo's brother in law invites us to see Dark Star Orchestra, a Grateful Dead tribute band, at Penn's Peak. Let me state that until that night - the only things I knew about the Grateful Dead are:
1) Jerry Garcia is the lead singer
2) there is an ice cream named for Jerry Garcia from Ben and Jerry's
3) The Dead is Mr. G's favorite band.

Thats it.

Oh yeah, and the whole drug scene. So Senor TiVo is trying to convince me to go - I'm tired and since I dont know what to expect, I agree to go with a disclaimer that I am tired and may not be in the greatest mood. But I forge ahead since I'm trying to have an open mind and be out of my "bubble". So off to Penn's Peak we go. Penn's Peak is a venue in the Appalachian Mountains. On the way there, Senor TiVo is explaining what the show is about. If you dont know, this band, Dark Star Orchestra, basically picks a show. For example, September 27, 1976 at Berkeley. (*G, Dont correct me, I'm using an example) and they recreate it. They sing the same songs, they stand in the same places on stage - EVERYTHING.

So I now I sort of know what to expect. After a long drive we finally get to the top. If it wasnt so freaking dark, I'm sure the view would have been awesome. Anyways, we get there and the show had already been off and running for about an hour. We find Senor TiVo's brother in law and grab some drinks.

On with the show... First impression was "Shit, I'm the only completely sober one here!" Second impression, "Damn this band is pretty awesome!" Everyone kept saying how much they sounded like the Dead - yeah, I have no clue, I was just happy I wasnt passing out and asking for the keys to the truck to take a nap in.

Everyone starts letting loose and the best thing of the night were the people on shrooms (or whatever they were on) that got up and did "the hippie dance". My two favorite people were the 75 year old woman and the school teacher. If you have been lucky to hear my East Coast Adventure story in person - then you've seen my interpretation of the Hippie Dance. Good Times

Another Metro Adventure

Question: What do you do when someone has a seizure on your metro train?

Answer: Dont ask the driver for help - they dont seem to care.

Yes folks, that was my morning.

Through some very interesting turn of events, I found myself on the Gold Line train were right before the Highland station one of patrons (who was sitting behind me no less) had a seizure. The train was pretty packed when we hear a *THUMP*. Turn around and find this lady just (laid? layed? lain? laying?) face first on the floor - almost spread eagle. Lets take a moment for a quick description - about 5'7", 180 pounds, dress, knee brace. See, now the spread eagle thing isnt all that interesting, huh.

Anyhoo - so this is when the cool headed people and the panickers came into play. Two people rush the emergency call button on the train (we were sitting in the train where the driver was in). One lady just started banging on the door asking the driver to stop the train. Another lady (sitting in front of me) was screaming (no lie, SCREAMING) "STOP THE TRAIN!! SHE'S OUT! STOP THE TRAIN!!!" Someone standing right next to her, checked if she was breathing (she was) and then went through her purse to see if she had some medical ID card/bracelet to see if she was epileptic. Because now, not only was she face down, she was also twitching. So first aid kicked in, and we left her alone to have her seizure. Screaming lady was still screaming - but she switched to "STOP THE TRAIN! SHE'S HAVING A SEIZURE! STOP THE TRAIN!" I got fed up with her and told her that he probably needed to get to a station so the ambulance would be able to access the train. That shut her up.

So the lady wakes up, totally disoriented, and we are asking her if she's ok, if she's diabetic, history of seizures, things like that. By this time, the train is pulling into the station and the driver comes out. She's standing up and looking at him as if she has seen Jesus himself (and no, he didnt look like Jesus). So he goes into it...

Driver: Are you ok ma'am?
Seizure Lady: Uh huh
Driver: Are you sure?
Seizure Lady: (blank stare)
Driver: Do you speak Spanish?
Seizure Lady: (Shakes head with blank stare)
Driver: Do you speak English?
Seizure Lady: (Nods head with blank stare)
Driver: Why dont you have a seat?
Seizure Lady sits
Driver: Are you ok?
Seizure Lady: (nodding with blank stare) uh huh
Driver: She seems ok...

About 15 people on the train (including me): She's not ok! Call an ambulance!!!

Driver pondering it (I swear)

Coolheaded guy that went through her purse (whom I found out later worked in City Hall): You know, it would probably be in MTA's best interest to call - you know, liability wise.

Driver: I'll call for help.

About this time, everyone grabs their cell phones and start calling work, friends, spouses, whatever to tell them that "Some lady had a seizure on the metro train". Poor lady was still totally disoriented - like she was wobbling in her seat disoriented.

About 5 minutes later, the Sheriff's show up and we are asked to get off the train and catch the next one.

And yes - I called work, and texted like 3 or 4 people.

East Coast Adventure: Day 1 - The Plane Ride

Holy Hell - this is a post in itself. I got to the airport relatively early and painlessly thanks to my wonderful buddy Rozanne taking me from work (after our manicures/pedicures and In and Out fix).

After I checked my bag - I realized that I didnt put a luggage tag on it, in case it gets lost. Since I have never EVER lost a bag, I hope that my streaked continued (it did). As I'm sitting in the sports bar, looking to see if the Oilers had beat the Ducks that night (they didnt but eventually did win the series), I see that a bunch of kids are passing along heading towards the gate where I'm supposed to be in.

I pray that they are not on my plane. That prayer is futile because about 30 teenagers are on my flight. DAMN!! Since I was leaving at 1030pm, I was hoping to get a little shut eye on the flight. Figured maybe the kids would pass out from the sheer excitement of flying to DC (that was my connection). I held on hope.

I'm killing some time by chatting it up with a friend on my cell and finally we start to board. As I approach my seat (I had the window seat), I see a really big fat woman sitting in the middle seat of an aisle. Again, I wondered if she was in my row....and she was. I tell her that I'm sitting in the window and she gives me this look like I'm an inconvinience to her. Dude, sorry! Then she uses her cane (not kidding) to get up and she's about 5'11" and about 280-300. I sat in my seat and then she sits down. NO JOKE - I couldnt even put my arm on the armrest because her fat was pouring over it. Sweet Jebus! I felt like I looked like a little kid next to her. So I'm trying to see if I can get comfortable laying next to the window and such - I even broke my pillow out (yes I took my pillow dammit). Then I hear her say:

Big Fat Lady: HEY RONNY! You ok up there?
Ronny (from the row in front of her): I'm fine...

This is my out! Here goes the conversation:
Me: Is that your son?
BFL: No (huffs, no lie), he's my nephew.
Me: Oh, well would you like me to switch seats with him so you can sit together?
BFL: You wouldnt mind giving up your window seat?
Me: Absolutely not - I'm sure you would like to have him closer to you.
BFL: Why thank you, thats very kind of you.
Me: No really, its my pleasure.
BFL: RONNY! Get your stuff together and move back here!
Ronny: Why?
BFL: BECAUSE I TOLD YOU! NOW MOVE!

So I get up and switch seats with Ronny (who is about 12). As I'm getting up, the guy sitting in the aisle seat gives me this look like I just stole his alibi! It was classic.

So in the middle of the night, I get up to use the facilities and when I get back - I turn around and see BFL had fallen asleep...and fallen on top of the guy in the aisle seat. He was scrunched down in his seat so low, I felt sorry for him. Not sorry enough for me to give up my seat though! I looked at the guy in my row and said "Looks like I lucked out, ?" And he laughed.

P/S What I also failed to elaborate on was the smell this woman had...I'll just leave it at that.

I'm back!

Damn that was a good trip. Who knew that going to the mountains would result in such a good time. Let me state that I had the best fother-muckin' pizza in the world! I'll post daily recaps of my trip as time at work and home permits.

Leaving on a jet plane...

Well tonight I embark on my infamous trip back east. I'm sure to have fun since I found out I'm going to the Poconos one day. This might not be all that interesting to anyone else but I've only known as the Poconos as something you hear about in movies and tv shows.

I'm rather excited! Ooohhh, I hope to see the hotel from Dirty Dancing. Maybe we can find a log to dance on!

No blogging until I get back.

Seacrest out!

Oh Sweet Jebus!

Since Nocturnal Rockstar is bitching about LOST posts - here it is.

Damn that finale was pretty damn good. I dont have any time at all to post what I would like to but I will post what Kristen from EOnline posted on the message board about it. Damn them some good speculations - I got a few of them, but not all. To Scotty-Poo, thats not Jack's twin.

**********
Of course, we ALWAYS want more info but there were some pretty fantastic reveals last night - what brought down the plane, why Desmond was there, etc. -- and most importantly, Josh and Naveen shirtless in the first two minutes!? Hello! You can't beat that with a Jesus stick!! (Though I did find it funny that Matthew kept his shirt on -- strange behavior for a nudist.)

Anyhoodles, here's what I'm thinking after last night's episode. And mind you, some of this is just speculation so take it with a heap of salt:

*Michael is gone for good. Eko and Locke will survive. Seems pretty obvious, right? They would NEVER kill off Locke or Ecko (I've already sent my threatening emails to Damon Lindelof on the matter). As I've been saying, Harold Perrineau is no longer a series regular next season (that is fact). So, it seems that Walt and Michael really will sail away. However, my hunch is that we'll see Walt again since he can "appear in places he wasn't supposed to be." Michael *could return if Harold returns as a guest star, but I know of no current plans to do so.

*Michael Emmerson (Henry Gale) should win an Emmy. No, he should win ALL the Emmys. And it seems clear now that FH (Faux Henry, not to be confused with a Future Husband) is the head of the Others on the island. However, I'm convinced that it's Daddy Widmore who is the big "Him" pulling all the strings ... from the mainland.

*That said, my *guess is that Widmore Industries (seen before in a sign on a factory in London and Sun's pregnancy test) is running the big experiment on the island, and Daddy W's (Widmore, not Warbucks) Race Around the World intentionally sent Desmond to that island to get him away from his daughter.

*Expanding on that, my theory is that Libby was in on it all along (I've smelled Eau du Other on her since day one!). Perhaps that crappy-ass, fake page-boy wig she had in the flashback was intentionally crappy-ass because she was indeed an Other (they do like that fake hair and seriously, ABC *should have the budget for a more realistic wig). 'Elizabeth' could have been a clinical psychologist working on the Dharma Initiative who was sent out in the real world (the coffee shop, the insane asylum) to get Desmond and Hurley to the island (which would explain the ridiculous coinkidink of her having a boat, and perhaps they needed to get Hurley away because he knew about the numbers from someone who had been on the island before and went berzerk). This would explain the whole thing with the backpack in 'The Other 48 Days' episode, when Cindy (flight attendant) was carrying a red backpack in one scene, then in the next, Libby was carrying it and Cindy was gone. Also, it's possible Libby wasn't even on the plane. Did we ever see her? Am I forgetting that? I'm pretty sure she just appeared in the water after the crash and later told a lame lie to Hurley that he stepped on her foot on the plane -- when she was in the tail section and he was in the fuselage, and I'm not geometry whiz but that doesn't add up.

*The Magnets: Every time the button isn't pushed it launches a deadly magnetic field which brought down the plane. And it makes the island detectable. Clearly, Penny knows of this and is using it to track down Desmond. The Brazilians (inspired by my Brazilian boyfriend, I'd like to think, since we had dinner with Damon a few months back and my B.F. told him they need Brazilians on the show - true story!) said something like “we can't miss it again,” perhaps referring to Sept 22 when the plane came down. One could guess that they are at the North or South pole where you would pick up electromagnetic frequencies more strongly. Perhaps if the island's magnetic balance isn't kept in check, the Earth's poles would go off their axis … ? Am I losing my mind?

*The bird called Hurley's name to remind us that there are mystical elements on this island that cannot be explained. And I keep thinking there's got to be something in the food - and that Hurley not eating it (it seems like he still isn't, right?) will make him hear and see things differently than everyone else. The food could be drugged. Just a thought.

*The Others might really be “Good.” Perhaps The Others are not willing participants … Just a thought. So far they have been stealing children and the “good” ones and taking them out of the game/experiment, to protect them or send them home. My sense is that the reason they're taking Jack, Kate and Sawyer is to take out the strongest players and to leave the Losties leaderless. Enter Mr. Eko vs. Locke vying for power next season …

*Charlie is evil now? Seems like it, doesn't it? If he is, I feel like it might be one of those twists that wasn't planned all along … but rather the producers finding a reason to keep Dom involved in the show because a) they love him b) he's had a crap-ass season and c) it doesn't hurt to keep your leading lady's man in happy and in Hawaii. I'm just sayin'.

*I keep waiting for the initial pitch of the show, that "Claire's baby is tied to the history of the island," to come into play. Is this why Charlie is so close to her? To keep an eye on Aaron?

*And finally, thanks to our friend Lala2460 for posting this recap of Dickens' “Our Mutual Friend” in a thread below. This is the book Desmond was carrying around and it has a pretty FITTING title, does it not? Well, turns out the storyline also ties into that Bad Twin manuscript Hurley found on the beach (which they're selling as a real book). Lala wrote: "'Our Mutual Friend' is about a rich young man named John Harmon, who while on a sea voyage to meet his future wife that his dad chose for him, meets another man who looks exactly like him (a twin!). They decide to swap identities, so that John Harmon can spy on his future wife to find out if she is worthy/see if he wants to marry her. However, after they switch clothes/identities, the lookalike guy betrays John Harmon (a BAD TWIN!!!), and tries to kill him. Unfortunately, the lookalike guy is himself betrayed by another man, who kills this bad twin in front of the real John, and then dumps the two of them in the sea. The real John survives, but the bad twin guy's body also washes ashore, and since the bad twin has John's I.D. papers on his person, the police and lawyers assume he is John Harmon, and thus declare that John Harmon is dead. Tramautized and "Lost", the real John decides he has nothing else to lose but to take on another false name, and go spy on the girl who would have been his future bride - testing her character, etc. The bulk of the novel is that.” Thanks, Lala!

See - pretty damn good, que no? I loved the episode and cant wait for next season! Damn, I should really get a book over the summer to read - BAD TWIN!?!? I'm trying to stay very far away from The Lost Online Experience Game.

RIP BOO BOO

Its too good - I'm just going to cut and paste the article.

ARKADELPHIA, Ark. - The exotic chicken that was saved from drowning by mouth-to-beak resuscitation more than three months ago has died, her owner said.

Boo Boo, the chicken who was revived after she was found floating face down in the family pond in February, died recently, said owner Jackie Calhoun. The fowl's story was featured on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and the Animal Planet network.

"She had seizures," Calhoun said. "I've come to the conclusion that's what put her in the pond in the first place."

In February, Calhoun said he removed the chicken from the water and his sister Marian Morris blew into its beak, causing its eyes to pop open. Morris, a retired nurse, said she hadn't used cardiopulmonary resuscitation in years. She said she was glad that the chicken she saved was exotic and not just an ordinary chicken.

The chicken, who was named Boo Boo because she was easily frightened, lived to lay three eggs before dying, Calhoun said. Until then, Calhoun said he didn't know if the bird was male or female.

"We incubated one of her eggs, and it hatched," Calhoun said. "The chick has black and white markings like Boo Boo's."

Ok - so the chicken drowns, becomes Chicken a la Frankenstein, reproduces (which I find morbid by the way - the mother dies and the child lives), then it dies again...then they figure she had seizures? There has to be a movie in here somewhere....

Take Me Out To The Ballgame

What is it about sports that just brings out the somewhat bad in in me? I'm a nice person - really I am but on Friday night at the Dodger game, I was one of the most obnoxious people ever! True the Dodgers did kick some serious ass by beating the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim 16-3. And Anna and I take full responsibility for this. Why do you ask? Because we were sitting right next to the Angels bullpen and when they called on the relief pitchers, they blew the game.

On yeah, we got to them.

But it wasnt just Anna and I - I dont mind being obnoxious in front of her - but I went with some co-workers...egad! See - they dont see this side of me unless I convince them that going to a hockey game is actually fun. Ok - back to the heckling. So as the relief pitcher Yan was warming up, I came up with a great line - "Its no wonder you arent a starter!". Dude, I loved that line. And screaming it really helped my cause. What also helped were all the beers I had drank throughout the afternoon/evening. After he went in to the game, he promptly gave up 5 runs. While he's pitching his little ass off, Romero starts warming up. I forget what Anna yelled at him, but even the pitching coach gave her the peace sign. Then Romero goes in and gives up 4 runs. I think it would have been the ultimate insult if we would have started comparing the Angels to the Ducks - ooohh, that would have been awesome! "The Ducks have a better record than you!" Anna has to post some of her lines - I cant recall. I seem to recall a "This aint little league - there isnt a mercy rule" too.

Per Shannon's Request

Here is a video from You Tube where Joan Rivers appears on an Australian TV awards show and doesnt know why she's there or who anyone is...by the way, did I mention she's drunk?

Sweet Mother of God!

Ok, so I dont know why I found this so freaking facinating to post - but I did.

This is from a story on Yahoo about a bear that killed a monkey in a zoo.

AMSTERDAM, Netherlands - Bears killed and ate a monkey in a Dutch zoo in front of horrified visitors, witnesses and the zoo said Monday. In the incident Sunday at the Beekse Bergen Safari Park, several Sloth bears chased the Barbary macaque into an electric fence, where it was stunned.

It recovered and fled onto a wooden structure, where one bear pursued and mauled it to death.
The park confirmed the killing in a statement, saying: "In an area where Sloth bears, great apes and Barbary macaques have coexisted peacefully for a long time, the harmony was temporarily disturbed during opening hours on Sunday."

"Of course the habitats here in the safari park are arranged in such a way that one animal almost never kills another, but they are and remain wild animals," it said.

If that is not good enough (you know what I mean) - here is the link to an EYEWITNESS account with pictures. Man, if I only read Dutch.

UPDATED: My cool ass brother sent me this link for translation. Ok, its more because I'm LAZY I didnt translate, ok?

UPDATED AGAIN!
I decided to put the picture up. Sorry to the faint of heart.

Aaron! DENNY!

(24 and Grey's Anatomy spoilers)

Duuuuuuude!

24
Doesnt surprise me that the President knew where Super Agent Aaron Pierce was. My favorite part of the evening was when the First Lady shot the secret service agent that was going to kill Aaron and I called Scott and all we did was scream into the phone. So what the hell are the Russians going to do with the missiles? Ponder...Ponder...Ponder. As long as Agent Pierce is good to go - I'm fine.

Grey's Anatomy
SERIOUSLY! This is absolutely the best TV show out there. Yes, I like it more than LOST. I ran the gamut of emotion as I watched the finale. In the end - I was crying, ok, weeping, I was weeping. First over a dog, then over one of my favorite characters. I couldnt believe that Denny died! Izzy was going to be happy!!! But nooo - you had to go off and give him a stroke after his heart transplant. Although I am happy that Izzy quit the program, after what she did - she doesnt deserve to be a surgeon. She allowed her feelings for Denny to cloud her medical judgement and she, basically, sent him into heart failure for him to move up on the organ donor list. And Meredith?!?! I'm not liking McDreamy at all anymore. He's a jackass that wants his cake and eat it too. He cant keep doing what he's doing to her. He may love Meredith, but he chose to be with his wife and work things out. I feel bad for Addison, she actually deserves so much better. Maybe she should hook up with McVet.

Ugh - Even Ticketmaster Is Rubbing It In

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Shockers Of The Week - for me...

AMERICAN IDOL
Chris getting voted off of American Idol? As much as I have the McFever - she needed to go. My support is going towards Elliot now.

THOSE DAMN DUCKS!

I dont know how I feel that the Ducks eliminated the Avs last night. I'm glad Rob Blake wont get his hands on another cup but damn those Ducks! I have to say that they are playing really well and the their rookie goalie, Bryzgalov is pretty damn good.

WALK HIM!

There are a few athletes out there that I hate. Yes, I used the word HATE. Kobe Bryant, Mike Piazza, Mike Tyson (actually, he's one that I love to hate), and Barry Bonds. Barry Bonds tied Babe Ruth's homerun count earlier this week and now pretty much anytime he goes up to bat, he might go down in history. There is a website that encourages fans to email different ball clubs to walk Barry Bonds - I totally love it.

LOST

I cant even talk about this week's LOST. I'm still bummed about Libby dying (for Hurley's sake). I'm afraid that he's going to feel guilty and go into a similar catatonic state that sent him into the mental institution in the first place. WTF is up with Michael, that man makes me want to scream. But hell, if I had to make a deal with the devil to get the safe return of Jacob after being kidnapped by some weird people on a boat after surviving a plane crash - I would. And let me also add - me loves Eko. Just click here and watch the episode on abc.com. Come back with questions.

I'm in love...

Other than loving my new TiVo - I've also fallen for this song. Actually I've loved it for a long time and finally getting around to posting it on here. I promise to be more entertaining later in the week - been gearing up for a hellish month not to mention that I fear my cute little car has driven me her last miles. So one more thing to deal with - yeah me! I digress.

Blogworld - I give you Gnarls Barkley with "Crazy". LOVE IT!

Metro Rider Of The Week

Winner:
Mexican dude trying to flirt with the 6'4" black transvestite.

Honorable Mention:
The fugly couple making out in public - groping and all. (*shudder*)

LOST - I think I crapped my pants

Thats basically how I felt the last 5 minutes of the show. No recap can do it justice - from Hurley's line about Say Anything to Ana Lucia and Sawyer getting their groove on to Libby and Hurley finding Jin on the beach (that was just plain funny).

Some interesting things where: Jack's dad meets Ana Lucia in the airport bar and asks her to go with him to Australia with him for "protection". We find out that Jack has a half sister - was it just me or did the mom look a lot like Claire? Who else liked the commercial for the Hanso Foundation?

But the big one was Michael and what he did to Ana Lucia and Libby!


Early in the episode, Henry attacks Ana Lucia and she swears to get revenge (thats why she did the nasty with Sawyer, to get his gun). She volunteers to stay in the hatch and watch over Michael and she tells him about how she wanted to kill Henry but couldnt do it. He says that he can do it, probably to get some vengence for Walt being taken, and he apologizes and then shoots Ana-Lucia! Then Libby walks in (she had gone to get a blanket for a picnic with Hurley) and Michael is startled and shoots Libby too! He goes into the locked room and looks at Henry and then shoots himself - obviously setting it up to seem like Henry shot everyone. Now here is my thing, I have been saying for weeks that I think that Henry is "The Man". I believe we have found our Kaiser Soze.

Genius I tell you - GENIUS!

Whoever thought of putting Stephen Colbert and Steve Carrell together and adding liquor should be given a huge raise.

The Duck Hater

Let me first thank TiVo for being at home for me to record 24 while I accompanied some Kings fans to cheer on Calgary at the Pond against the Ducks.

Yes, I'm a hater.

I went out of my way to cheer against a cross-town rival - I spent money I should be saving on a ticket and drove to Anaheim for the game. Let me also clarify that I didnt drive, I rode and felt like I was going to die twice in that car thanks to the erratic driving of the Ducks bandwagon fan - Steve. There, I've said my peace and Anna is laughing her ass off at me. Wow what a great time we had. It would have been even better if the Flames had actually won but nooo - Ducks had to go and force a game 7. BASTARDS!

It was odd going to "another house" to watch a game. Things just arent the same. They dont have the same feeling, the beer just doesnt taste right - even though the jumbo beer cups are awesome and I've decided to collect a set for my apartment. We werent assholes like those damn Dallas fans that had to eat crow (btw - Dallas and Detroit have been eliminated - I'm so freaking happy, sorry Chad). We were smart ass fans through because we decided to mock pretty much everything that went on in that Pond. From the Fowl Towel (not kidding) that they gave us when we walked in to the arena when I asked if I could get one that said KINGS on it. The lady didnt think it was as funny as I did. Then we had to climb 4 flights of stairs to get to our section - we were gasping and grabbing on the walls asking where the escalators were and made comments about how Staples was better they had escalators. Then when the gang went out to smoke, I was saying how Staples was better because they provided us with tables and chairs to sit at. See - total hater. But it was fun.

If that was not the best part - this was.

They gave us these programs for articles and rosters blah blah blah for the playoffs - but it also had a glossary - A GLOSSARY!!! It had definitions of terms for those non-hockey enthusiasts.

Definitions:
Center Ice: the area between the two blue lines also called the neutral zone
Center line: a red, 12-inch wide line across the ice midway between the two goals
Empty-Net Goal: a goal scored against a team that has pulled the goalie
Rebound: a puck that bounces off the goalie's body or equipment
Save: the act of a goalie in blocking or stopping a shot
Substitution: occurs when a player comes off the bench to replace a player coming out of the game; can be made at any time and play does not need to stop.

The smart asses that we are - anytime the whistle blew we reached for the program to look up definitions for things. Anna - what did we look up? There were some really funny ones.

P/S Got a beer from Anna for getting up and screaming loud enough for Bob Miller and Jim Fox to wave at us.

Good Times - Good Times

MOVIE REVIEW: STICK IT

Yes, I' m a girl dammit and I went to see STICK IT!

The movie about gymnastics brought to you from the writers of Bring It On. Let me say, that as far as entertainment goes on a Saturday afternoon - it was awesome! Everytime I mentioned it to my friends this weekend, they all turned to me and said "ooohhh! how was it?" As if I was the official movie taster. Anyways - if you are up for a cute, funny, CAMPY movie - check it out.

Final Rating: Matinee or Rental

"Its not Gym-NICE-tics."