Saturday, September 30, 2006

Never send a 4 yr old to do a 30 yr old's job

Yesterday, Jake's one task at school (other than learn) was to find out what his friend (or "girlfriend") Skye likes. Today is her birthday party and we got invited. I told him "Jake, ask Skye if she was going to get a present, what kind of things would she like to get."

I've ask him this once before - when it was time for his classmate's Julian's birthday party rolled around as well. I asked him, "What does Julian like?" "I dunno" was the response. So I called the numver on the invition to ask his father. As soon as the words came out of my mouth "What kinds of things does Julian like?" both his father and Jake say "CARS". Damn you boy!

Back to Skye - I pick him up from school and ask "Ok, Jake, what did you find out" He says, "I got it!" (Very triumphantly, by the way) "She cream."

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Wednesday Rant Part Deux

Dear Brunette Bitch,

Hi! How are you?!!? The reason I ask is because when you are backing up on a public street going about 35 miles an hour (backwards) you failed to notice that 1) you were going backwards and 2) my dear friend Rozanne and I were in the crosswalk and about a foot away from your car. At least you were looking backwards to make sure you didnt hit any cars because God forbide you cause any property damage...but you failed to check if any pedestrians would be hurt.

Oh and thanks for saying you were sorry - wait you didnt say that. All you did was roll your window down about an inch and screamed, "I didnt see you!" and then sped off to your mani/pedi appointment.

I should have ran into your car and gotten some damages.

Thanks again for a lovely afternoon!


Wednesday Rant

Dear Blond Bitch,

I’d like to congratulate you on being able to piss me off in the time in took to go into the parking structure and get into the elevator this morning. First of all, can I please advise you NOT to smoke your cigarette and talk on your cell phone while trying to maneuver in a parking structure. Having to do two 3 point turns and taking like 5 minutes to do them is an indicator that your mind is not concentrating on the correct activity. Secondly, when you see someone walking behind you its polite to hold the door open for them, especially if I’m RIGHT behind you. Lastly, I’d like to point out that pressing the elevator button once is sufficient to call it down. Pacing back and forth and pressing the button does not make it come down faster. If you are that anxious about getting to your office, may I suggest you take the stairs – especially since your office is on the SECOND FLOOR!

Once again, thank you for being my sunshine this morning.


Monday, September 25, 2006

The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year!

Its time to gather with your fellow man and cheer for those loveable underdogs – your LOS ANGELES KINGS!!

Frozen Fury, the annual game that occurs in Las Vegas where the Kings host some team itching to see strippers and gamble their pension away is the official start of the NHL season. This weekend marked that game and tonight, the Jakeman and I are going to see the Kings host the Ducks at Staples. I can already smell the ice and hear the bodies being thrown into the boards.


Friday, September 22, 2006

Learning and Realizing Things

Last night I took Jake to the long awaited Dodger game. And by long awaited I mean, that we were supposed to go Monday night for their “miracle of miracle” comebacks game but through a series of events we had no tickets. But I’m not a hater, I won’t play the blame game and name names (Rozanne). I wont say we should have shelled out the ticketmaster fee (Rozanne) and been there to watch the 4 back to back to back to back home runs in the bottom of the ninth inning to tie the game and then win in the bottom of the 10th with Nomar’s two run shot. Plus we got screwed out of our free Dodger Blanket. I had attributed to the many things that happen to me in my life – my so called “misadventures” and happily move on to reliving my night at Chavez Ravine last night where the Boys in Blue took on the Pirates, which in addition to Jake’s newfound appreciation for “Talk Like A Pirate Day” made the night more interesting.

Driving up to the stadium, I decided to take a moment and teach my child something that he can’t learn in a book. Today’s life topic is: SCALPERS. Why I felt it was necessary to point out who the scalpers are and go on to explain what their role is in local economy, I’ll never know. I spent (no lie) 10 minutes telling Jake about how some scalpers buy season tickets and then sell them individually and continued to explain how sometimes you had to buy tickets are more than face value and how this was catering to the fans who didn’t no plan and buy their tickets from the box office beforehand or the evil Ticketmaster.

I then realized that maybe I had gone to far in explaining things to Jake. I like to answer his questions but to break down the role and marketing techniques of a scalper at Dodger Stadium? I loved that I ended the ramble by telling him that “we all learned something new everyday” and he said “yeah, I learned how to read better at school and now about scalpers, good job mom!”


I also realized later that night that, I have seen more fights at Dodger Stadium than I have anywhere else. I was watching something that seemed to go down in the left field pavilion and made a mental note that I had seen a fight in about 85% of the Dodger games that I have attended. Jake and I were leaving early when a woman rushes past me and screams for security. I hear another guy scream “FIGHT!” The fight was near the exit so as we left Jake saw 10 security guys trying to calm two big guys down. Make that 90%.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Just A Suggestion

If you are interviewing for a position with a company - please dress appropriately because I'm hiring Customer Service Reps - not gay hustlers.

Saturday, September 16, 2006

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Finally! I can use an anecdote...

I've had this in my back pocket for a while now and I wasnt sure how to post it without it seeming rather odd. I needed something to relate to the story so it wouldn’t be so weird, and luckily I found it today.

A while back, someone said to me out of the blue "Did you know that a lamb's vagina is the closest to a human's?" The funny thing, is that I knew what he meant, that if someone is having le sex with le lamb, it’s the closest resemblance feeling wise (ya with me?) Ok so after I gave him this “what the fuck did you do in high school?” look, he explained that a “friend” told him. I said “yeah right” and continued with our conversation.

Few months later, we were chatting about a house he wanted to buy and how it was considered a "farmhouse". I said, “Oh, so you can get a sheep instead of getting a girlfriend, think about it, it will be cheaper and you don’t get the back talk.” He laughed and then said, “Did you know that farmers would put the back legs of a lamb into their boots so the lambs wouldn’t run away” I was speechless for a minute before I said “How in God’s name do you think that I would know that?!?!” Then he said, “You can also go to the edge of something, like a roof or cliff and have the sheep at the edge and they will push back on it so it will be deeper.”

Dude, you could have heard crickets (and this was in the middle of the day).

I just busted up laughing – I couldn’t believe that he said this…frankly I come up with random shit so I appreciate people that do with same with me but I have to get like a dance card with some of the conversations I’ve had with this guy. I asked him who it was that told him all this because if he only said “a friend” I was going to assume it was him and no matter how much he told me otherwise, till the day I died, it was going to be him that did all this with a lamb (or lambs…ewww). He fessed up who it was, but I still tease him on occassion about it possibly being him.

Anyways. back to what I found that allowed me to post this story:

Sudan man forced to 'marry' goat

A Sudanese man has been forced to take a goat as his "wife", after he was caught having sex with the animal.

The goat's owner, Mr Alifi, said he surprised the man with his goat and took him to a council of elders.

They ordered the man, Mr Tombe, to pay a dowry of 15,000 Sudanese dinars ($50) to Mr Alifi.

"We have given him the goat, and as far as we know they are still together," Mr Alifi said.
Mr Alifi, Hai Malakal in Upper Nile State, told the Juba Post newspaper that he heard a loud noise around midnight on 13 February and immediately rushed outside to find Mr Tombe with his goat.

"When I asked him: 'What are you doing there?', he fell off the back of the goat, so I captured and tied him up".

Mr Alifi then called elders to decide how to deal with the case.

"They said I should not take him to the police, but rather let him pay a dowry for my goat because he used it as his wife," Mr Alifi told the newspaper.


I’m sorry, but you have to admit those Elders sure have a sense of humor.

Question of the Day

How can someone pull a muscle in their sleep?

Has this happened to anyone else, because it happened to me this morning! I woke up at the crack of dawn in pain from my left leg. Should I have stretched before I hit the hay or something? Damn what the hell was I dreaming that I pulled something in my leg.

Its still freaking hurts.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Need a Good Laugh?

I know that Knuck does - he works too damn hard since he doesnt email and stuff. Damn I feel powerful with this blog...

Anyways back to my original post:

Ever hear overhear stuff and immediately call a friend or So there is a blog that does that! Its called Overheard At The Office Its awesome.

Here is my favorite so far:

Kindly Do Not Demonstrate
Woman: So if you've never done it before, it's going to hurt the first time and maybe even bleed a bit.
Man: Uh huh.
Woman: So don't be afraid. You should try it. It's definitely worth it.

Other people in elevator shuffle uncomfortably.

Woman: Um...So flossing is crucial to good dental hygiene.

Houston, Texas

Victim #1

Q: "Wow, you spent 4 years working at Goodwill. Why did you stay there so long?"
A: "Because I thought it was cool that I could get my clothes there too"

WooHoo!! Open Interviews!

Damn, I know that I'm going to be drained today from all the interviewing I'm going to be doing but I'm excited that I'll be getting some good stories because I just saw the first person.

Just to hold you over...the stingrays are getting their come-uppens for Steve Irwin. Is it wrong that I find this funny?

Thursday, September 07, 2006

I love The Onion

Bush Urges Nation To Be Quiet For A Minute While He Tries To Think

WASHINGTON, DC—In a nationally televised address Monday, President Bush urged all citizens, regardless of race, creed, color, or political affiliation, "to quiet down for just one minute" so he could have "a chance to think."

"Every American has an inalienable right to free speech and self-expression," Bush said. "Nonetheless, I call upon the American people to hold off on it for, say, 60 seconds. Just long enough for me to get this all sorted out in my head."

"Please," Bush added.

While the president said achieving a unilateral peace and quiet "would not be easy," he hoped that citizens would respect his wish and work toward a temporary cease-talk so that he could can hear his own thoughts "for once."

Keep reading from The Onion

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Took The Words Right Out Of My Mouth

I'm glad someone else has the same theory as I do!


Friday, September 01, 2006

Meerkat Manor Madness

Has anyone else seen a show on Animal Planet called Meerkat Manor?!?

Its dubbed as All My Children meets Wild Kingdom and it does not disappoint!

Meerkat Manor is a documentary about this this family of meerkats and their adventures in the Sahari Desert in Africa. Ok - so it may sound weak but its not! My coworker Rozanne suggested that I watch it and I tivo'd and episode and WOWIE! I'm hooked! Just so happened to be the season finale so I have to wait until next season to find out what happens to these little meerkats. Thank god for reruns!

How can these little guys cause so much drama?

I don't know, but they do!