Monday, October 30, 2006
So I call. $100 freaking dollars!?!?!
What happened to the good ole days of sending someone out while its still dark to guard the tables? Apprently, you can still do that, if no one has beat you to reserving the area you want and can kick you out.
I feel like this is going to be like an eBay showdown.
Friday, October 27, 2006
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Damn you traffic on the 101...DAMN YOU!
Thursday, October 19, 2006
On a first date:
I will not put out, although, upon cessation of said date I will violently rape my Rabbit and envision your hands and mouth all over my body.
We may discuss this in the future, if I decide you're worthy of more conversation.
In an effort to further my not-putting-out goal, I will not shave and will wear mis-matched socks. Just remember this if you respond to this ad, we go out, and you are having dirty thoughts over dinner. UNSHAVEN/MISMATCHED (just repeat it to yourself. You may be surprised how quickly wood will disappear)
I will engage you in conversation, perhaps shock you with hilarious stories of my past. I may use "big" words, and I refuse to dummy down for anyone. I will make you laugh, assuming you have a brain and the personality to "get it". I won't order a salad, nor will I order the most expensive entree. If I am hungry, I will eat.
I may call you the following day. I may not.
On the second date:
I may, in fact, put out. Why? Because I find few people meet/exceed my expectations enough to be granted a second date. I'm not promising I'll shave (kidding). We will discuss the ridiculous happenings in both of our worlds since the last time we spoke. I may ask you to leave following copulation. I may snuggle. I own a vagina and cannot decide at the present time how I will feel/react after sex. Yes, I just typed all of that.
Now, here's where the prospect pool will thin accordingly...
YOU MUST BE
of the caucasian persuasion
single (that means not LEGALLY married)
under 38 over 23
not a baby-daddy
drug/disease free (everyone knows you can tell if someone has AIDS by looking)
well-mannered, for appearances
able to leave work at work. this implies employment
educated (beauty school and diesel college do not count)
NOT AN AUDIO ENGINEER/SINGER-SONG WRITER/OTHER MUSICAL FAILURE
act like a man. If I wanted a questionable fag, I'd date a girl. They smell better, anyway.
Over one-night stands.
I'm not in college anymore, and thank God Girls Gone Wild never visited back in my hay-day.
Very comfortable in my skin.
Not looking to get married, but over the fuck buddy status.
Able to say "no" and scream "yes".
Calm, collected, logical, rational, politically incorrect, and witty
TOGETHER, WE WILL
act like raging dickheads in public establishments
giggle at midgets
drink excessively if the mood strikes, and it will.
Often laugh at others and harder at ourselves
WE WILL NOT
involve species other than homosapiens in our bedroom routine.
yell, argue, at like gigantic three-year-olds when we're upset
care what everyone else thinks
do any activity with one another's family more than once a month
act like something doesn't bother us, when it does
throw low-blows in times of frustration
Oh, and just to make sure I don't attract the wrong type of man, here comes what some of you will be dismayed at... I'm not fat. I'm not the healthiest individual, but I'm not a walking heart attack. If you appear to be more than 2.5 months pregnant, don't respond
I have my original 32. If you don't know what I'm referring to, don't respond.
If you know what I am referring to, and you just took the time to "count", you probably should sit this one out.
I'm short. I don't care how tall or short you are so long as your girth does not exceed your height.
I'm not into anything sexual that involves blood shed or leaves marks. General ass-slapping and hair pulling = perfectly acceptable. Donkey punches, not so much. Yes, I did just type that. Dirty Sanchez is out, as well.
Bring your A-game, bitches.
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
As “Deputy Safety Director” (no, I don’t have a badge or anything), I have to help train our employees on evacuation and safety procedures. Because some of our staff isn’t here all the time, I have to catch them when I can and do the training then. This morning was such a morning for two of our employees. I met up with them and started my little speech on where the exits to the suite are and where the fire extinguishers are. Then we proceeded to go down the stairwell so I can show them where the leads to and our meeting place. As I’m typing this, I’m realizing that I forgot to conclude the training and tell them where our meeting place is. Oh well.
We get to the bottom of the stairs and I make my little remark “I suggest you knock first because sometimes there is a bum sleeping on the stoop and he blocks the door”. As I say this, I am knocking and the door and opening it when BAM! It’s jammed. I look down and could see a head of hair – that’s it. So I close the door and bang on it again and open it. BAM! Again into the bum who…hasn’t…moved. Crap. Ok, now I’m annoyed. I open and close the door about 5 times and screaming “HEY GET UP!!!” But to no avail. The first thought that comes to mind is “Oh My God! He’s dead!” As I have told this story throughout the day to my coworkers, the first thing they think of is that he’s passed out drunk, but that’s beside the point.
Crap, so as one employee is doubled over in laughter, I’m trying to figure out how to get out because the doors to access the floors are locked on the stairwell side to “prevent unauthorized building access”. None of us have a key to the stairwell and I didn’t bring my cell phone. One of the gals did have a sidekick though, but she only had internet access and no phone access. Its like we cant catch a break. So she’s trying to log onto the Instant Messenger system that our office uses to ask someone to come open the door for us. As we go back up the stairs (oh yeah, we are on the 5th floor, I think I forgot to mention that), we are checking all the doors. FINALLY, she says she finds someone to come open the door. Meanwhile, I’m banging on the door hoping that someone will hear it and let us in. The door opens and its someone from another suite on our floor. The person she asked to come open the door went to the OTHER staircase to help us.
So now I’m 1) pissed off that the homeless guy is blocking the door and I couldn’t finish the training and 2) worried that the guy might be dead – I was seriously torn. So I called the building maintenance guy to tell him what happened and he told me that the homeless guy will chase you down and threaten you if you attempt to remove him. And since I’m notorious for being a chicken, I call the cops. C’mon! He might be DEAD!!! Later that morning, the maintenance guy calls me and tells me that the homeless guy is indeed alive and was asked to leave but who knows if he’ll stay away.
Let me say, that if you have a chance to hear me tell this story in person, please ask. I’ll be happy to oblige because I actually made one person snort today.
Friday, October 13, 2006
He made a movie that is showing at the Hollywood Film Festival.
Never Before Has Something So Horrible Appeared On Screen . . . .11 minutes, 8 legs and 2 fangs of sheer drive-in, B-movie terror
Hollywood Film Festival World Premiere!
It Came From Beyond the Mountain
Directed by Douglas Bankston
I need to go see this thing, I've heard so much about it during the filming process that I need to see that it actually exists. Actually, all joking aside, I'm very proud of him! CONGRATS DB!
Things that have happened since I last blogged:
El Paso - YEEHAW!
Went to El Paso for a wedding where the following things occured:
- My son was bribed to be a Cowboys fan and when the truth came out that he was NOT a fan, he was asked to return the money. He refused...thats my boy!
- El Paso is more wetback than white trash - I'm just sayin'
- Actually, I liked El Paso a lot more than I thought I would...and its a military town! You know how much I love my military men.
- Outdoor weddings = Drama + Rain
- Actually the wedding was really nice and my hot date the Jakeman and I had an awesome time. Although he did abandon me during the dancing portion to hang out with his new buddy Victor, the maid of honor's husband.
- $25 for a pedicure?!?!?! Its like Atlanta all over again.
- I had to keep reminding the bride's father NOT to try to fix me up with his friends.
Popped Derry's Cherry
That sounds so dirty compared to the truth, but its ok. I took my coworker Derry to the Kings/Dallas game last night, and it was his first hockey game. He freaking loved it! Ok, maybe he didnt love it because the Kings got their asses kicked 4-1 and played horribly, its like they were too tired to play. Bastards. But he did have a lot of fun and we had this Australian tourist and his son sitting behind us. He struck up a conversation with us during the 2nd intermission and wouldnt stop talking. He was nice though, found out that they had gone to Disneyland, then planning to go to Vegas, then back to San Diego to see "the famous whale". I suggested he go see Hoover Dam while he was in Vegas and Derry couldnt believe I was sending someone sightseeing while they were in Vegas. Geez, all that visiting my brother has rubbed off on me, I dont even go to the casinos anymore - WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME!?!?
At then of the game he said, "Did everyone give up?" and we looked at him, in a perplexed way, and I said "Well, yeah, the game is over". And he thought there were four periods and not three. What's funnier about that is that even the teams were celebrating on the ice and he thought it was break. Good times, good times.
Madness in Hollywood and at McDonald's
Yesterday, I actually took a break from working and went to 7-11 with the famed Rozanne to get a slurpee. On the way there, a lady was driving backwards on Sunset (why do we elicit this behavior?); a tranny stopped in the middle of the road, some guy got into the car to drive and instead of the tranny going into the passenger seat, she/he gets in the driver seat and climbs over - sticking his/her ass out of the window to sit down; an older Mexican lady carrying a box of cans (in my memory, I like to to think they were cans of frijoles) trying to catch the bus then realizing its not her bus. All in a matter of like 5 minutes.
This morning, I took Jacob to McD's for a pankcake breakfast. Let me state, I dont care what anyone says, those are damn good pancakes. The lady behind the counter just could not get it together. Its like training day or something. She didnt know where the Apple Juice button was, she didnt know where the Hot Tea button was, she forgot my #2 combo. And she was frazzled...dude it was a #2 with hot tea, pancakes no sausage, and an apple juice. Geez. MADNESS I TELL YOU!
Other than that...I got my dad hooked on Heroes, watched Grey's Anatomy and I cant believe McSteamy and $8.7 million?!??!
Coming up in Melissa's life: Got a few shows to watch this weekend, get my Halloween costume in order, go to a birthday party, laundry, clean the apartment AND finish season 3 of The Shield, I need to get that back to Netflix.
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
- Grey's Anatomy - still the best show on TV, SERIOUSLY!
- LOST - coming back tomorrow, thank goodness!
- 24 - January cant come fast enough
- Project Runway - I'm cheering for Michael
- Heroes - Seriously, start watching if you havent
- Ugly Betty - Hilarity!
- Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip - reminds me of the golden days of West Wing
- How I Met Your Mother - Barney is rivaling Major Burns as one of my all time favorite TV characters - SUIT UP!
- House - I know this isnt any any particular order but this should be higher on the list. Its so awesome and I finally forced my mom to watch an episode and she took back all the mean things she said about my Gregory House.
- Nip/Tuck - you cannot go wrong with Julian McMahon - thats all I'm sayin'
- My Name Is Earl - just plain funny
- The Office - come on!
- Meerkat Manor - ok, I know...I know...but you dont understand!
- Mythbusters - its just awesome to watch what these guys do
- Spongebob Squarepants - can you guess who programmed that?