Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Revelations

Don’t you hate it when you are sitting alone and that pesky lightbulb goes on over your head and you just realize what the hell you want or need in life? I’m rather content in living life obliviously at times with no hard needs or desires (ok, except for the whole being healthy thing and my Kings winning games). But over the past few weeks, I’ve been realizing more and more about what I want in life.

I blame this book I’m reading: Eat, Pray, Love. It’s really opening my eyes to certain things about me, stuff I really haven’t done since I was in therapy after the whole “breaking up my marriage” thing. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve done the self evaluation routine a few times since I’ve moved back to LA and I’ve gotten really good at standing my ground on certain things, but I’m always shocked at how I can allow certain people to treat me how I don’t like to be treated.

Sometimes I think I’m too nice. I think about other people’s feelings and what THEY want more than what I get in return. And by the time I realize that I’m making all the effort, it’s too late because I’m so upset. Upset with them for not making an effort and myself for not saying anything sooner.

So what’s the answer to this?
A) Become a bitch?
I can do that…but its not who I am.
B) Actually tell people how I feel and expect them to change?
That doesn’t work either because if I tell them 1) they respect it and try to work on it or 2) they think I’m selfish and stupid for actually having feelings and expectations.
C) Keep my mouth shut?
Surprisingly enough, this is always my default answer.

I know what my answer is – but the question ultimately becomes: do I actually follow my own advice?

Sigh – I think its time to listen to more Aretha Franklin.

2 comments:

mr_g said...

From my perspective, never be afraid to speak your mind. If they agree, then it was worth it. If they give you crap, then it was worth it too...means they're not worth your time. I think selfishness is way underrated...we all need a little from time to time to keep us sane.

Anonymous said...

I agree with mr g......how can you espect to have a happy fullfilled life if your getting stepped on? The friends I keep are the ones I can set straight and who can set me straight....I may get my feelings hurt or vica versa, but we love each the more for it.....

love ya!
Kelena