What a Catch!

Oh those boys from Nashville are going to have fight over this one! Found it on Craigslist...ENJOY!

On a first date:
I will not put out, although, upon cessation of said date I will violently rape my Rabbit and envision your hands and mouth all over my body.

We may discuss this in the future, if I decide you're worthy of more conversation.

In an effort to further my not-putting-out goal, I will not shave and will wear mis-matched socks. Just remember this if you respond to this ad, we go out, and you are having dirty thoughts over dinner. UNSHAVEN/MISMATCHED (just repeat it to yourself. You may be surprised how quickly wood will disappear)

I will engage you in conversation, perhaps shock you with hilarious stories of my past. I may use "big" words, and I refuse to dummy down for anyone. I will make you laugh, assuming you have a brain and the personality to "get it". I won't order a salad, nor will I order the most expensive entree. If I am hungry, I will eat.

I may call you the following day. I may not.

On the second date:
I may, in fact, put out. Why? Because I find few people meet/exceed my expectations enough to be granted a second date. I'm not promising I'll shave (kidding). We will discuss the ridiculous happenings in both of our worlds since the last time we spoke. I may ask you to leave following copulation. I may snuggle. I own a vagina and cannot decide at the present time how I will feel/react after sex. Yes, I just typed all of that.

Now, here's where the prospect pool will thin accordingly...
YOU MUST BE
of the caucasian persuasion
funny
loquacious
driven
single (that means not LEGALLY married)
under 38 over 23
not a baby-daddy
drug/disease free (everyone knows you can tell if someone has AIDS by looking)
sarcastic
well-mannered, for appearances
able to leave work at work. this implies employment
educated (beauty school and diesel college do not count)
NOT AN AUDIO ENGINEER/SINGER-SONG WRITER/OTHER MUSICAL FAILURE
act like a man. If I wanted a questionable fag, I'd date a girl. They smell better, anyway.

I AM...
Over one-night stands.
I'm not in college anymore, and thank God Girls Gone Wild never visited back in my hay-day.
Very comfortable in my skin.
Unafraid.
Equally unashamed.
Not looking to get married, but over the fuck buddy status.
Able to say "no" and scream "yes".
Calm, collected, logical, rational, politically incorrect, and witty

TOGETHER, WE WILL
bowl
play trivia
act like raging dickheads in public establishments
giggle at midgets
fornicate regularly
discuss books
drink excessively if the mood strikes, and it will.
Often laugh at others and harder at ourselves
one-up eachother

WE WILL NOT
involve species other than homosapiens in our bedroom routine.
yell, argue, at like gigantic three-year-olds when we're upset
be dishonest
care what everyone else thinks
do any activity with one another's family more than once a month
act like something doesn't bother us, when it does
throw low-blows in times of frustration

Oh, and just to make sure I don't attract the wrong type of man, here comes what some of you will be dismayed at... I'm not fat. I'm not the healthiest individual, but I'm not a walking heart attack. If you appear to be more than 2.5 months pregnant, don't respond

I have my original 32. If you don't know what I'm referring to, don't respond.

If you know what I am referring to, and you just took the time to "count", you probably should sit this one out.

I'm short. I don't care how tall or short you are so long as your girth does not exceed your height.

I'm not into anything sexual that involves blood shed or leaves marks. General ass-slapping and hair pulling = perfectly acceptable. Donkey punches, not so much. Yes, I did just type that. Dirty Sanchez is out, as well.

Bring your A-game, bitches.

The Case of the Potentially Dead Bum

Boy, it was quite an adventurous morning for yours truly today. Not only did I have an argument with the Jakeman about the validity of Oreo Cookies as a breakfast food item, but the words “I was trapped in a stairwell and I couldn’t get out because I think there is a dead bum blocking my door” actually escaped my lips. Let me explain.

As “Deputy Safety Director” (no, I don’t have a badge or anything), I have to help train our employees on evacuation and safety procedures. Because some of our staff isn’t here all the time, I have to catch them when I can and do the training then. This morning was such a morning for two of our employees. I met up with them and started my little speech on where the exits to the suite are and where the fire extinguishers are. Then we proceeded to go down the stairwell so I can show them where the leads to and our meeting place. As I’m typing this, I’m realizing that I forgot to conclude the training and tell them where our meeting place is. Oh well.

We get to the bottom of the stairs and I make my little remark “I suggest you knock first because sometimes there is a bum sleeping on the stoop and he blocks the door”. As I say this, I am knocking and the door and opening it when BAM! It’s jammed. I look down and could see a head of hair – that’s it. So I close the door and bang on it again and open it. BAM! Again into the bum who…hasn’t…moved. Crap. Ok, now I’m annoyed. I open and close the door about 5 times and screaming “HEY GET UP!!!” But to no avail. The first thought that comes to mind is “Oh My God! He’s dead!” As I have told this story throughout the day to my coworkers, the first thing they think of is that he’s passed out drunk, but that’s beside the point.

Crap, so as one employee is doubled over in laughter, I’m trying to figure out how to get out because the doors to access the floors are locked on the stairwell side to “prevent unauthorized building access”. None of us have a key to the stairwell and I didn’t bring my cell phone. One of the gals did have a sidekick though, but she only had internet access and no phone access. Its like we cant catch a break. So she’s trying to log onto the Instant Messenger system that our office uses to ask someone to come open the door for us. As we go back up the stairs (oh yeah, we are on the 5th floor, I think I forgot to mention that), we are checking all the doors. FINALLY, she says she finds someone to come open the door. Meanwhile, I’m banging on the door hoping that someone will hear it and let us in. The door opens and its someone from another suite on our floor. The person she asked to come open the door went to the OTHER staircase to help us.

So now I’m 1) pissed off that the homeless guy is blocking the door and I couldn’t finish the training and 2) worried that the guy might be dead – I was seriously torn. So I called the building maintenance guy to tell him what happened and he told me that the homeless guy will chase you down and threaten you if you attempt to remove him. And since I’m notorious for being a chicken, I call the cops. C’mon! He might be DEAD!!! Later that morning, the maintenance guy calls me and tells me that the homeless guy is indeed alive and was asked to leave but who knows if he’ll stay away.

Let me say, that if you have a chance to hear me tell this story in person, please ask. I’ll be happy to oblige because I actually made one person snort today.

The Big Showing

I have a friend. His name is Doug.

He made a movie that is showing at the Hollywood Film Festival.

Here is the info:

Never Before Has Something So Horrible Appeared On Screen . . . .11 minutes, 8 legs and 2 fangs of sheer drive-in, B-movie terror

Hollywood Film Festival World Premiere!
It Came From Beyond the Mountain
Directed by Douglas Bankston

At the Hollywood Film Festival -- HFF Horror Shorts Programin the dead of night -- Sunday, October 22 at 11 p.m. at the ArcLight Cinemas

I need to go see this thing, I've heard so much about it during the filming process that I need to see that it actually exists. Actually, all joking aside, I'm very proud of him! CONGRATS DB!

Its Been A While....

Yup, that it has been. Anna was kind enough to remind me this morning via IM that I havent updated this for a while. I keep forgetting this entertains her at her paperless company.

Things that have happened since I last blogged:

El Paso - YEEHAW!
Went to El Paso for a wedding where the following things occured:

1. My son was bribed to be a Cowboys fan and when the truth came out that he was NOT a fan, he was asked to return the money. He refused...thats my boy!
2. El Paso is more wetback than white trash - I'm just sayin'
3. Actually, I liked El Paso a lot more than I thought I would...and its a military town! You know how much I love my military men.
4. Outdoor weddings = Drama + Rain
5. Actually the wedding was really nice and my hot date the Jakeman and I had an awesome time. Although he did abandon me during the dancing portion to hang out with his new buddy Victor, the maid of honor's husband.
6. $25 for a pedicure?!?!?! Its like Atlanta all over again.
7. I had to keep reminding the bride's father NOT to try to fix me up with his friends.

Popped Derry's Cherry

That sounds so dirty compared to the truth, but its ok. I took my coworker Derry to the Kings/Dallas game last night, and it was his first hockey game. He freaking loved it! Ok, maybe he didnt love it because the Kings got their asses kicked 4-1 and played horribly, its like they were too tired to play. Bastards. But he did have a lot of fun and we had this Australian tourist and his son sitting behind us. He struck up a conversation with us during the 2nd intermission and wouldnt stop talking. He was nice though, found out that they had gone to Disneyland, then planning to go to Vegas, then back to San Diego to see "the famous whale". I suggested he go see Hoover Dam while he was in Vegas and Derry couldnt believe I was sending someone sightseeing while they were in Vegas. Geez, all that visiting my brother has rubbed off on me, I dont even go to the casinos anymore - WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME!?!?

At then of the game he said, "Did everyone give up?" and we looked at him, in a perplexed way, and I said "Well, yeah, the game is over". And he thought there were four periods and not three. What's funnier about that is that even the teams were celebrating on the ice and he thought it was break. Good times, good times.

Madness in Hollywood and at McDonald's

Yesterday, I actually took a break from working and went to 7-11 with the famed Rozanne to get a slurpee. On the way there, a lady was driving backwards on Sunset (why do we elicit this behavior?); a tranny stopped in the middle of the road, some guy got into the car to drive and instead of the tranny going into the passenger seat, she/he gets in the driver seat and climbs over - sticking his/her ass out of the window to sit down; an older Mexican lady carrying a box of cans (in my memory, I like to to think they were cans of frijoles) trying to catch the bus then realizing its not her bus. All in a matter of like 5 minutes.

This morning, I took Jacob to McD's for a pankcake breakfast. Let me state, I dont care what anyone says, those are damn good pancakes. The lady behind the counter just could not get it together. Its like training day or something. She didnt know where the Apple Juice button was, she didnt know where the Hot Tea button was, she forgot my #2 combo. And she was frazzled...dude it was a #2 with hot tea, pancakes no sausage, and an apple juice. Geez. MADNESS I TELL YOU!

Other than that...I got my dad hooked on Heroes, watched Grey's Anatomy and I cant believe McSteamy and $8.7 million?!??!

Coming up in Melissa's life: Got a few shows to watch this weekend, get my Halloween costume in order, go to a birthday party, laundry, clean the apartment AND finish season 3 of The Shield, I need to get that back to Netflix.

Whats on your Tivo?

On mine, in no particular order - just how I remember them:

• Grey's Anatomy - still the best show on TV, SERIOUSLY!
• LOST - coming back tomorrow, thank goodness!
• 24 - January cant come fast enough
• Project Runway - I'm cheering for Michael
• Heroes - Seriously, start watching if you havent
• Ugly Betty - Hilarity!
• Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip - reminds me of the golden days of West Wing
• How I Met Your Mother - Barney is rivaling Major Burns as one of my all time favorite TV characters - SUIT UP!
• House - I know this isnt any any particular order but this should be higher on the list. Its so awesome and I finally forced my mom to watch an episode and she took back all the mean things she said about my Gregory House.
• Nip/Tuck - you cannot go wrong with Julian McMahon - thats all I'm sayin'
• My Name Is Earl - just plain funny
• The Office - come on!
• Meerkat Manor - ok, I know...I know...but you dont understand!
• Mythbusters - its just awesome to watch what these guys do
• Spongebob Squarepants - can you guess who programmed that?

Never send a 4 yr old to do a 30 yr old's job

Yesterday, Jake's one task at school (other than learn) was to find out what his friend (or "girlfriend") Skye likes. Today is her birthday party and we got invited. I told him "Jake, ask Skye if she was going to get a present, what kind of things would she like to get."

I've ask him this once before - when it was time for his classmate's Julian's birthday party rolled around as well. I asked him, "What does Julian like?" "I dunno" was the response. So I called the numver on the invition to ask his father. As soon as the words came out of my mouth "What kinds of things does Julian like?" both his father and Jake say "CARS". Damn you boy!

Back to Skye - I pick him up from school and ask "Ok, Jake, what did you find out" He says, "I got it!" (Very triumphantly, by the way) "She likes...ice cream."

Wednesday Rant Part Deux

Dear Brunette Bitch,

Hi! How are you?!!? The reason I ask is because when you are backing up on a public street going about 35 miles an hour (backwards) you failed to notice that 1) you were going backwards and 2) my dear friend Rozanne and I were in the crosswalk and about a foot away from your car. At least you were looking backwards to make sure you didnt hit any cars because God forbide you cause any property damage...but you failed to check if any pedestrians would be hurt.

Oh and thanks for saying you were sorry - wait you didnt say that. All you did was roll your window down about an inch and screamed, "I didnt see you!" and then sped off to your mani/pedi appointment.

I should have ran into your car and gotten some damages.

Thanks again for a lovely afternoon!

Kisses,
Melissa

Wednesday Rant

Dear Blond Bitch,

I’d like to congratulate you on being able to piss me off in the time in took to go into the parking structure and get into the elevator this morning. First of all, can I please advise you NOT to smoke your cigarette and talk on your cell phone while trying to maneuver in a parking structure. Having to do two 3 point turns and taking like 5 minutes to do them is an indicator that your mind is not concentrating on the correct activity. Secondly, when you see someone walking behind you its polite to hold the door open for them, especially if I’m RIGHT behind you. Lastly, I’d like to point out that pressing the elevator button once is sufficient to call it down. Pacing back and forth and pressing the button does not make it come down faster. If you are that anxious about getting to your office, may I suggest you take the stairs – especially since your office is on the SECOND FLOOR!

Once again, thank you for being my sunshine this morning.

Respectfully,
Melissa

The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year!

Its time to gather with your fellow man and cheer for those loveable underdogs – your LOS ANGELES KINGS!!

Frozen Fury, the annual game that occurs in Las Vegas where the Kings host some team itching to see strippers and gamble their pension away is the official start of the NHL season. This weekend marked that game and tonight, the Jakeman and I are going to see the Kings host the Ducks at Staples. I can already smell the ice and hear the bodies being thrown into the boards.

I LOVE THIS GAME!

Learning and Realizing Things

Last night I took Jake to the long awaited Dodger game. And by long awaited I mean, that we were supposed to go Monday night for their “miracle of miracle” comebacks game but through a series of events we had no tickets. But I’m not a hater, I won’t play the blame game and name names (Rozanne). I wont say we should have shelled out the ticketmaster fee (Rozanne) and been there to watch the 4 back to back to back to back home runs in the bottom of the ninth inning to tie the game and then win in the bottom of the 10th with Nomar’s two run shot. Plus we got screwed out of our free Dodger Blanket. I had attributed to the many things that happen to me in my life – my so called “misadventures” and happily move on to reliving my night at Chavez Ravine last night where the Boys in Blue took on the Pirates, which in addition to Jake’s newfound appreciation for “Talk Like A Pirate Day” made the night more interesting.

Driving up to the stadium, I decided to take a moment and teach my child something that he can’t learn in a book. Today’s life topic is: SCALPERS. Why I felt it was necessary to point out who the scalpers are and go on to explain what their role is in local economy, I’ll never know. I spent (no lie) 10 minutes telling Jake about how some scalpers buy season tickets and then sell them individually and continued to explain how sometimes you had to buy tickets are more than face value and how this was catering to the fans who didn’t no plan and buy their tickets from the box office beforehand or the evil Ticketmaster.

I then realized that maybe I had gone to far in explaining things to Jake. I like to answer his questions but to break down the role and marketing techniques of a scalper at Dodger Stadium? I loved that I ended the ramble by telling him that “we all learned something new everyday” and he said “yeah, I learned how to read better at school and now about scalpers, good job mom!”

Fabulous.

I also realized later that night that, I have seen more fights at Dodger Stadium than I have anywhere else. I was watching something that seemed to go down in the left field pavilion and made a mental note that I had seen a fight in about 85% of the Dodger games that I have attended. Jake and I were leaving early when a woman rushes past me and screams for security. I hear another guy scream “FIGHT!” The fight was near the exit so as we left Jake saw 10 security guys trying to calm two big guys down. Make that 90%.

Just A Suggestion

If you are interviewing for a position with a company - please dress appropriately because I'm hiring Customer Service Reps - not gay hustlers.

From Professional to Gay in 2.5 seconds

Damn - this is so funny. Giggle away!

Finally! I can use an anecdote...

I've had this in my back pocket for a while now and I wasnt sure how to post it without it seeming rather odd. I needed something to relate to the story so it wouldn’t be so weird, and luckily I found it today.

A while back, someone said to me out of the blue "Did you know that a lamb's vagina is the closest to a human's?" The funny thing, is that I knew what he meant, that if someone is having le sex with le lamb, it’s the closest resemblance feeling wise (ya with me?) Ok so after I gave him this “what the fuck did you do in high school?” look, he explained that a “friend” told him. I said “yeah right” and continued with our conversation.

Few months later, we were chatting about a house he wanted to buy and how it was considered a "farmhouse". I said, “Oh, so you can get a sheep instead of getting a girlfriend, think about it, it will be cheaper and you don’t get the back talk.” He laughed and then said, “Did you know that farmers would put the back legs of a lamb into their boots so the lambs wouldn’t run away” I was speechless for a minute before I said “How in God’s name do you think that I would know that?!?!” Then he said, “You can also go to the edge of something, like a roof or cliff and have the sheep at the edge and they will push back on it so it will be deeper.”

Dude, you could have heard crickets (and this was in the middle of the day).

I just busted up laughing – I couldn’t believe that he said this…frankly I come up with random shit so I appreciate people that do with same with me but I have to get like a dance card with some of the conversations I’ve had with this guy. I asked him who it was that told him all this because if he only said “a friend” I was going to assume it was him and no matter how much he told me otherwise, till the day I died, it was going to be him that did all this with a lamb (or lambs…ewww). He fessed up who it was, but I still tease him on occassion about it possibly being him.

Anyways. back to what I found that allowed me to post this story:

Sudan man forced to 'marry' goat

A Sudanese man has been forced to take a goat as his "wife", after he was caught having sex with the animal.

The goat's owner, Mr Alifi, said he surprised the man with his goat and took him to a council of elders.

They ordered the man, Mr Tombe, to pay a dowry of 15,000 Sudanese dinars ($50) to Mr Alifi.

"We have given him the goat, and as far as we know they are still together," Mr Alifi said.
Mr Alifi, Hai Malakal in Upper Nile State, told the Juba Post newspaper that he heard a loud noise around midnight on 13 February and immediately rushed outside to find Mr Tombe with his goat.

"When I asked him: 'What are you doing there?', he fell off the back of the goat, so I captured and tied him up".

Mr Alifi then called elders to decide how to deal with the case.

"They said I should not take him to the police, but rather let him pay a dowry for my goat because he used it as his wife," Mr Alifi told the newspaper.

Source

I’m sorry, but you have to admit those Elders sure have a sense of humor.

Question of the Day

How can someone pull a muscle in their sleep?

Has this happened to anyone else, because it happened to me this morning! I woke up at the crack of dawn in pain from my left leg. Should I have stretched before I hit the hay or something? Damn what the hell was I dreaming that I pulled something in my leg.

Its still freaking hurts.

Need a Good Laugh?

I know that Knuck does - he works too damn hard since he doesnt email and stuff. Damn I feel powerful with this blog...

Anyways back to my original post:

Ever hear overhear stuff and immediately call a friend or post...it...on...your...blog....? So there is a blog that does that! Its called Overheard At The Office Its awesome.

Here is my favorite so far:

Kindly Do Not Demonstrate
Woman: So if you've never done it before, it's going to hurt the first time and maybe even bleed a bit.
Man: Uh huh.
Woman: So don't be afraid. You should try it. It's definitely worth it.

Other people in elevator shuffle uncomfortably.

Woman: Um...So flossing is crucial to good dental hygiene.

Elevator
Houston, Texas

Victim #1

Q: "Wow, you spent 4 years working at Goodwill. Why did you stay there so long?"
A: "Because I thought it was cool that I could get my clothes there too"

WooHoo!! Open Interviews!

Damn, I know that I'm going to be drained today from all the interviewing I'm going to be doing but I'm excited that I'll be getting some good stories because I just saw the first person.

Just to hold you over...the stingrays are getting their come-uppens for Steve Irwin. Is it wrong that I find this funny?

I love The Onion

Bush Urges Nation To Be Quiet For A Minute While He Tries To Think


WASHINGTON, DC—In a nationally televised address Monday, President Bush urged all citizens, regardless of race, creed, color, or political affiliation, "to quiet down for just one minute" so he could have "a chance to think."

"Every American has an inalienable right to free speech and self-expression," Bush said. "Nonetheless, I call upon the American people to hold off on it for, say, 60 seconds. Just long enough for me to get this all sorted out in my head."

"Please," Bush added.

While the president said achieving a unilateral peace and quiet "would not be easy," he hoped that citizens would respect his wish and work toward a temporary cease-talk so that he could can hear his own thoughts "for once."

Keep reading from The Onion

Took The Words Right Out Of My Mouth

I'm glad someone else has the same theory as I do!


(source)

Meerkat Manor Madness

Has anyone else seen a show on Animal Planet called Meerkat Manor?!?

Its dubbed as All My Children meets Wild Kingdom and it does not disappoint!

Meerkat Manor is a documentary about this this family of meerkats and their adventures in the Sahari Desert in Africa. Ok - so it may sound weak but its not! My coworker Rozanne suggested that I watch it and I tivo'd and episode and WOWIE! I'm hooked! Just so happened to be the season finale so I have to wait until next season to find out what happens to these little meerkats. Thank god for reruns!

How can these little guys cause so much drama?

I don't know, but they do!