Softball

We lost yet again last night. I hate the team we played and I mean HATE. I would rather listen to a speech made by Bush than to play this team H.A.T.E. I was convinced that their shortstop, pitcher, and catcher were drunk.

Thank goodness we only have 3 games left and its against teams we like to play.

Snow, Snow, Kick, Kick, Snow

Oh yeah...tonight I embarked on my 10 week journey of fabulous entertainment. I'm crossing something off of my life list - Learn How To Dance The Tango.

Yup, Iliana and I signed up at our local Parks and Rec office for this course and let me say - WOW. Nothing I can say can live up to the awesomeness of this class. Let me give you a little statistical lowdown.

Total people in class: 40
Women: 22
Men: 18
Over 50 years old: 85% of the class
Not Asian: Iliana, this girl Christa, a middle aged couple and moi.

Iliana's partner was 4'11", Iliana is 5'7"!!!! With her heels - he had a goood luck at the girls all night long. This was a particular conversation that transpired between them:

(After doing some outlandish moves, that are more for Salsa than Tango)
Mr 4-11: How much do you weigh?
Iliana: Um, why?
Mr 4-11: So I can pick you up?
Iliana: WHHHAAAATT?!?!?!
Mr 4-11: Like 120?
Iliana: I WISH!
And then while he would dance he would say "Slow, Slow, Quick, Quick, Slow" and then clap his heels together like Dorothy wishing to return to Kansas.
Meanwhile, Iliana was trying to overcome his unfortunate odor, that was a combination of garlic and b.o. (her words not mine!)

As for me, I lucked out in the partner department. I met Jerry - an asian man in his mid-40's who was rather light on his feet. And who would say "Snow, Snow, Kick, Kick, Snow!" as we moved along the dance floor doing the promenade and the fans; which Iliana and I will never EVER learn properly because our partners DONT KNOW HOW TO DO IT RIGHT!

I wonder if Netflix has a How To Tango DVD...

BUT the best part....was when Iliana's partner ASKED HER OUT! Yes....

ASKED
HER
OUT

To a club to "practice their moves". I remember this same scenario in Girls Just Wanna Have Fun. I wonder if it would turn out the same way for Iliana and Mr 4-11. You know, end up kicking ass on a national televised dance-off against the mean rich girl. When does Paris get out of jail again?

What do you give a screaming child in a restaurant to make him stop?

BUTTER!!!

Well - at least it worked for Bruce

Best Fight Scene - EVER!

There is cheese and then there is CHEESE!

Derry might move up a few spots on my myspace Top Friends section for sending me this. I know Evan is going to love it - oh yeah Evan, I went there! p/s Tell (ask nicely) your wife to call me back.

Highlights:
1) The conveniently oiled up chests
2) The backspring somersault
3) "Yeah, See Ya!"

ENJOY....

Oh Those Damn Ducks!

What sucks more?

Your child selling out to the Ducks ~OR~ Considering selling out yourself

Game 3 is tonight and I'm actually tempted to cheer for the DU...C...K...S. Typing it was harder than I thought.

A friend texted after their Game 2 victory that they have a solid shot of doing this. I agree! Ottawa hasnt been able to keep up and Giggy is back on his game. I'm not discrediting the Ducks being a good team - they are. They have enough experience to drive to the net and go for the win (unlike the Kings who I am still pissed at they sent Mattias Nostrom to the Dallas Stars, even though we did get Jack Johnson - was still a horrible move that probably wouldn't have happened if they didnt sell out and gotten Rob Blake to come back to LA to fill the "name" requirement that disappeared when Luuuuuc retired).

So if you are a die hard fan and your rival shows up in the big show - do you suck it up and cheer for them because they are the best team or do you stick to your guns?

Let me know because I have to practice my quacks for tonight's game.

Lost Your Mojo?

Rite Aid has everything! And at reasonable prices.

We should alert Austin Powers.

Introducing - TUNAK!!

This is just full of awesomeness...

Softball!!

I've been sitting at my computer trying to figure out how to type up my feelings on my softball team. Its been a whole 5 minutes and I'm drawing a blank. Usually, when I have a blog to post, its basically written in my head by the time I get to the keyboard - but not tonight!

Lets just list the items that come to mind and see how that goes:
1) We have played 4 games and we are 0-4.
2) We have been mercy ruled 3 of those 4 times.
3) We play at a park that is frequented by transexuals and lets just say that Jake had quite an interesting look on his face on our first night at the park.
4) I finally got a hit last night!! I got a single and ended up scoring a run. And yes, when I got to first I started screaming, "I got a hit! I got a hit!" While standing at 2nd base, the second baseman jokingly told me to calm down - I told him to relax and let me relish my moment.
5) Some people take softball REALLY seriously.
6) Apparently, its a tactic for other girls on the teams to wear really short shorts and a push up bra in lieu of a sports bra. I may have to rethink my wardrobe.
7) If you are standing in right field - you dont get many balls hit to you...unless the guy is a lefty and shoots a line drive right at your head!
8) When I was the catcher, I was told to talk trash to get into their heads. Apparently, my teammates didnt mean flirting with the players.
9) If you are playing catcher, you can inhale really hard and get a good contact high from the guy on his bike behind the fence.
10) Is it a normal for someone to basically pass out from exhaustion when you get home from playing a game? Just asking

Reason 10,436 Why I Love My Kid

Conversation that Jacob and I had while watching the Red Wings/Ducks game on Sunday afternoon.

Jake: Mom - who are you cheering for?
Me: Hmm - probably the Red Wings - why? Are you cheering for the Ducks?
Jake: Of course! If the Kings arent playing - then I'm going to cheer for the Ducks!
Me: But you cant cheer for the Ducks if you are a Kings fan...its called a rivalry. If I had to choose between the Red Wings and the Ducks than I choose the Red Wings.
Jake: But you dont have to choose - you can just cheer for the Ducks, like me!
Me: You know, you are right - I shouldnt have to tell you who to cheer for. No one should. You have to make that choice on your own and decided what you like and what you dont like, just as long as you try everything out, right?
Jake: Right mommy.
Me: But there is one thing we do agree on right?

Jake takes a long moment to think about it...

Jake: Yes! Bush is an idiot!

The Royal Treatment

This morning I had my physical. Ahh - physical - with the physical comes an annual exam that tends to humiliate about 50% of the population.

I show up to the offices bright and early, almost excited to get rid of this thing on my "To Do" list. As I'm waiting in the exam room, this very cute boy comes in and introduces himself as Chris. Chris is a 3rd year med student that is going to be taking my history and answer any questions I may have before the exam actually begins.

I'm really too enthralled with Chris's boyish good lucks to realize that I'm answering his questions in a flirty/sarcastic way. I've almost convinced myself that Chris is flirting back! Is he really? How old is he? Is this professional? If it isnt, do I really care? No, I don't.

I answer the sex questions.
I answer the trick questions to find out if I'm depressed or not.
I answer the exercise/diet questions.

I'm almost home free!

He excuses himself while I change. My doctor comes back and asks me if I have any problems with Chris doing the actual exam...Chris...my cute doctor boy! I resolve that this would be my lot in life and say its fine. I do have a hard time actually "giving him access" because I've realized who Chris reminds me of. As I'm laying there, I'm thinking "Prince William is giving me a pap".



Nice knowing you William - you owe me dinner and a few drinks.

Whats the best way to perk up a Sunday?

Have a cute (younger) guy ask for your number at the supermarket.

I'm Famous!

I got on Pink is the New Blog!



Hey Anna - look at the bottom of the screen shot...LOL, I wonder what Melissa does all day at work...hmmmmm?

Ice, Ice Baby

I forgot a cardinal rule in first aid care for injuries - ice first then heat. That little trick would have saved me a week of aches and pains.

Last Saturday morning, while trying to do the lazy/stubborn thing of bringing all of my laundry up in one trip, I forgot to lift with my legs and thus lifted with my back. I immediately grabbed my back in agony and slowly took the hamper up, step by step, to my apartment on the 2nd floor. After I got there, I laid down on my bed and tried to relax and make the pain go away but to no avail.

I went downstairs to ask my neighbor for some advice since he suffers from back pain and he had a few suggestions. I'm sure the ice thing was said by people, but I didnt hear it. He gave me a heating pad thing that I could put on my back and as I went out the door for a birthday party, I slapped it on and went on my merry way. Now this thing was really helping - I was able to stand and even be rather charming. When I got home, I went to bed in hopes of feeling better and getting over this pain by Monday.

Oh I was so wrong.

Sunday, I basically stayed in bed all day - watching Battlestar Gallactica on dvd (I am not a geek! It was recommended highly by several friends). And the pain continued...it wasnt just soreness but actual pain! Pain when I sat up, pain when I got up, pain pain pain!

Monday rolls around and I go to work. Today is a bit better - I can sit and walk but I cant do any sudden movements or stand up with any sort of speed or grace. One of my coworkers recommends those icy/hot pads to put on my skin to help with the soreness.

Let me state that Icy/Hot pads are the freakiest things ever. One minute they are cool, then all of a sudden hot. Yes, I got the wise ass remarks of "duh, icy/hot is in the name" but seriously! I felt like I was going through menopause!

I'm finally just sore in one specific spot and I can run up the stairs, not that I have any need to run anywhere. I feel like I learned a major lesson about the importance of icing an injury. Just like my cousin learned one about which one is right: acid to water or water to acid.

Things To Do When You Are At Home Taking Care Of Your Sick Child

- Wash Dishes
- Fix vacuum cleaner CHECK!
- Check Email CHECK!
- Clean Bathroom
- Watch Oprah CHECK!
- Admire yourself for fixing vacuum cleaner CHECK!
- Forget to mail Netflix back because you need to find out if Commander Adama is ok from the Battlestar Gallactica season 1 finale CHECK!
- Clean Living Room
- Get your ass kicked by your 5 year old on Game Cube CHECK!
- Give up on the hold out to turn on the AC when its not even June yet because its 90 freaking degrees outside CHECK!
- Mop Kitchen

Lots of things I got done...of course none of the important ones...oh well!

Martinis + Empty Stomach = Not Good

Yes, that maybe something that should have occured to me before I pounded 5 French Martinis down...but it didn't. It did however, occur to me after I was sick for most of the night.

Now, normally I wouldnt post this story because well, I dont want stories of myself sick and drunk flying around the net...but something happened that night that in the end, could only happen to me. So let me start at the beginning.

A group of coworkers and I went out for drinks on a fateful Friday night. I hadnt eaten because 1) it was Friday during lent and everything in front of me was made of meat and couldnt prepare for the night of intoxication and 2) wasnt planning to do all that drinkin'! This bartender was making these martinis that were so yummy and I was wrapped up in some conversation that I just kept drinking..and drinking...and...well you get the picture. We opted to move to another bar and as we were getting ready to go - I stand up and realize...damn...I had too many martinis.

So off we go to another bar. And there I am - drunk walking down Hollywood Blvd. I turn to Rozi and we were just having a grand time looking at the people (yes, I know the irony that I was laughing at someone else). And I stop and say "I want to talk a picture!" then I find my prize - Vin Scully's star. It was perfect! The Dodgers had just started their season and it was in the air to do something spontanous. So I lay down and proceed to hug Vin Scully's star, on Hollywood Blvd, on a Friday night, and I'm drunk.

Now, you would think that the infamy of that night would stop there because really...what else could go wrong right?

After she takes the shot (and I'm still on the floor laughing my ass off), I hear "PRIMA?!?" Which means "Cousin" in Spanish. Yup, my cousin is at his part time job of parking cars and I happen to pick THE ONE SPOT that he would be at to do this. He comes over and helps me up and makes a wisecrack about my state of mind. I hug him and walk away...knowing full well that he's going to call his sister, who is going to call her mother in Guatemala, who will call my aunt in New York, who will most definitely call my dad here and tell him what happened. CRAP.

So we make our way to our watering hole and I sit down to try to calm my stomach down. Meanwhile, one of my cohorts makes a wisecrack at the bouncer and she's no longer welcome in the bar...while another coworker tries to sort it out we are all asked not to enter the establishment! I havent even had a drink inside and I'm already being kicked out? WTF?

After some smooth talking and some ass kissing we are let in...and I head to the restroom to make my peace with the porcelain god.

The next day, I had to fess up to my dad what happened. I would rather have him hear it from me than from my aunt. But what do you suppose happens? HE CALLS MY AUNT TO TELL HER! Damn him.

SHUT UP! Its been a month?

Ok - so maybe the people have a reason to a little upset with me that I havent posted. Sorry folks! Much stuff has been going on - some good and some not good but c'est la vie.

We have soldiered through and survived!

I promise (really this time) a new and more dedicated poster. I have some stuff that has happened that will be posted and other stuff that will be left untold. But in the end - you get what you want, me posting...that is if you are still out there.

Upcoming on the blog!
~ I realize (yet again) why I don't drink martinis
~ Softball has started and I'm assigned "Backup Outfielder", which is sort of pathetic because its softball.
~ HEROES rules as THE BEST show on television...
~ Watching cartoons with a 5 yr old gets more interesting when you add your own storylines.
~ You have to lift with your legs...not your back...a hard lesson to learn.

What's wrong with this picture?

What do you see when you see this picture? What is the FIRST thing that pops into your mind?

Yeah...thats all I'm sayin' without having to spell it out for people.

P/S Its the World's Tallest Man and he got himself a wife.

You know what song I'm thinking about?

ITS A SMALL WORLD. Yup, yes it is.

Last night after my softball practice (um, yeah, dont ask), the Jakeman wanted to go to the rink and watch the roller hockey game. While we were sitting there watching the game, I noticed that one guy had a jersey with a last name on the back of it. A strangely familiar last name. So I called a friend to see if she knew what had happened to this person we last saw 12 years ago in high school.

I got her voicemail, where I might add, I proceeded to leave a rambling message that only a few people are priviledged to receive from me. So after I hung up, I wondered how curious I was to see if this was the same person from high school. I asked the girl sitting the stands if she knew the team in black - no luck. She suggested that I just scream the name to see if it was him. Normally, I would not be opposed to screaming random guys' names in parks - however, I was tired and even though I was curious, I wasnt that curious. Then there was a breakaway and my mystery man had the puck. I swear I heard his name called by his teammate. And I wasnt hallucinating because Jacob heard it too. So now...the curiosity was hitting its zenith. I was getting ready to scream the name but by this time, the game was over. Lucky me.

So Jake and I get up and walk around to the bench to see if it sthe guy. I walk up to him and I say "Excuse me, are you..." and he screamed "MELISSA!"

Now - here is my issue with this.

Not that its awesome that someone remembers me after 12 years but someone remembers me after 12 years! Do I look exactly like I did in high school? I had to think and make sure make phone calls for goodness sake and after that it was mostly the facial hair that threw me off but still.

Anyways, we did a quick catchup and since he plays at that park every week, I'll see him next week after my softball practice. YAY!

Its a small world after all!

Well...that was fun in a creepy way.

Our office has great windows and with great windows come great views.

The rains came and went rather quickly not too long ago and with it a path of destruction. Yes, I actually suggested we call the local news to report what we saw.

Down the street, a building has a huge Apple iPod advertisement...you know, the type that are made out of fabric and are basically draped on the side of the building. And when the rains came, so did the wind and it ripped that puppy to shreds. Then the birds started flying all weird...like an earthquake was on its way. About 15 people gathered in our lunch room to watch.

It was fun!

Bitching from the East Coast to the West Coast...

The complaining has been clear – what, calling me and asking me how I’m doing does nothing for you?

Damn…ok, I’ll post.

Even my brother, who doesn’t even bother to call his own mother on her birthday, called to complain about the blogging. And I’m not even mentioning the daily harassment I get from Anna on IM.

Here is a quickie that I've been dying to put up...

Last week – I got probably the best giveaway at a hockey game ever. Ladies and Gents – Mr. Chazz Michael Michaels.

Oh yes, the Kings got in on promoting Will Farrell’s new movie, Blades of Glory. As you may recall (probably not because I’m the only one that can recall what I have or have not put in the blog) I talked about this movie when it was first put on E!Online and the countdown on my desk has begun! Not only were they giving out a crapload of Blades of Glory stuff at the game – those funny dudes that do the Real Men Of Genius came out and did one for Mr. Chazz Michael Michaels. Now, I’ve tried finding this mp3 online and apparently its not out yet, but its just a matter of time since I heard it on KROQ on Monday. So here goes:

Today we salute you Mr. Chazz Michael Michaels. (Mr. Chazz Michael Michaels)
You made it ok for every man in America to wear skin tight leotards and fly through the air with reckless abandon. (You can fly!)
Being a professional figure skater doesn’t necessarily mean that you stink at football, basketball, or every other sport (yes it does)
And when you skate well, you are a crowd pleaser. And when you crash your partner into the wall, you are a crowd pleaser too.
So here’s to you Chazz Michael Michaels, you may never get a medal, but sequins are shiny too. (Mr. Chazz Michael Michaels!)