Wednesday, March 15, 2006

The Best Damn Cover Letter...EVER

Names have been changed to protect the innocent - but nothing else because it is that good.

Hi,My name is Joe Schmo, and I am a former writer and Art Director.

I will also tell you that I have absolutely no expectation of hearing back from you people, because while I haven't figured out exactly what Craigslist actually is, I do have a fairly good idea of what it isn't.It isn't a place to find jobs, because I fucking write in the subject header that I was a former writer in just about every fucking email I send out, but nobody ever gets back to contact me.

This of course is not to say that the fact that I wrote and art directed for 4 years is an immediate guarantee that I can expect to receive a reply to every one of my emails, but it does seem that I’d get one or two responses in 3 years of trying.

Let me also say that I have no problem getting work, it’s just that I’ve never gotten anything off of this piece of shit website. I have a book coming out at the end of this month called "Something or Other"( yes I changed it). Barnes and Noble is publishing it, so it's a decent chance I'm not some fucking hack, and it would make sense that I'd get the occasional email saying, "Hey, you don't seem like some fucking hack... do you want this job we are offering?" but that has never once happened on Craigslist. Currently I am writing another book, "Something or other part 2"(catch my drift) Also from Barnes and Noble, so I must be an entertaining writer... my credentials would certainly bear me out, and if you ever get back to me I may send you some samples, but that's not likely to happen, and fuck you very much for that.

I am also an illustrator and graphic designer. My titles were Art Director and Sr. Editor and been a creative director at a small ad agency, but it's extremely doubtful that anyone will even read this missive, let alone get back to me on it, so eat a large bowl of fuck, you collective group of shit-heels, you.

I am a published author and illustrator, I even have a short film, which I directed, animated and voiced in the Smithsonian. You may have heard of it…it’s that famous fucking museum in the nation's capitol. They have dinosaur bones, Fonzie's jacket, and my goddamned animated short... not too fucking shabby. Pretty damned remarkable if you ask most people. Most people who have nothing to do with Craigslist would think so, but you guys are Craigslist people, so you will never know how well I could do your stupid job. Douche bags!

Also, I do improv two nights a week in Los Angeles, so I'm a performer. I've written for the web, magazines, short stories, books, I have "recognizable credits," I've written in teams, in a pair, and solo.

I am a mother-fucking-one-of-a-kind-talent, but fuck you all in each of your pink puckered assholes, because you will not ever get back to me to find out for yourselves. (p/s my favorite line of the whole thing)

Let me also stress to you touchholes that I don't only "work blue" but I don't care in this case, because no one will ever read this email anyway, and if they do, there is absolutely no chance they will hit the reply button. That’s just not what Craigslist people do.

I fervently hope you all get bitten by poisonous rats, and the sickness causes your blood to actually heat up inside your body. I wish for your internal organs to swell up to 7 times their normal size, and your penises to drop off; Unless you have a vagina, in which case I pray it will grow larger and larger until it meets at the top of your head, and you split in half and die.

I do appreciate you taking time out of your busy day to read my email, I'm a team player, and would love the opportunity to work in a creative atmosphere.

Looking forward to hearing back from you, and God bless, (pp/s this is my boss's favorite line)
Joe Schmo

I swear I actually received this in an email for to be considered for a position. And yes, I do want to call him, but its not exactly my call.


mr_g said...

That's absolutely classic! I hope this wasn't a customer service position!

Jessica said...

Why, oh why, isn't it your call? Let's start a campaign toward whomever actually makes that call. He is a keeper! He brings new meaning to breathing the life back into the office....*sigh*