Friday, March 03, 2006

My Eye Is A Football

This is posted at the request of everyone who missed the 2nd period of the Kings game last night because we were too busy laughing our asses off to care about the game.

Last week I went to the optometrist to get my annual eye exam. When I walked in, he asked me if there was anything in particular that I had issues with – a question that up until that day, I had always said no to. So I tell him that I basically had 3 things:

1) I get headaches when I wear my glasses for an extended period of time
2) When driving at night, I see little halos around the lights
3) Every now and then I see little floaties in my eye (I know it sounds weird, work with me)

So he goes on with the exam and at the end of it he starts doing the big overview. Up until this point, all of my appointments have ended the same way – “Your vision hasn’t changed, are you sure you don’t want Lasik surgery?” Like I said…up until this point. He sits on his little stool and proceeds to go over my initial questions/concerns.

First he talks about the halos and my vision at night. He tells me that I have astigmatism in my left eye. Let me remind you that nothing has changed for me in 6 years – I get this shock to my system as if I have just been told I have cancer…why I don’t know, just the way I reacted to the news. I have heard of astigmatism but honestly I don’t know what it is…so he tells me that my eye is supposed to be the shape of a basketball and instead it is the shape of a football. Funny thing I that when I told this story last night – someone said that! Like its what they teach to optometrists in training to say when they are explaining astigmatism to people. Anyways, I’m still kind of jolted by the news and I ask about if its going to get better and if I can wear contacts. Its not that bad but it aint gonna ever get better.

Next up is the floaties issue. He tells me about how there is a gel-like fluid in your eyeball and sometimes little fluid breaks off and that’s what you see – the floaties and the doctor is telling me that it looks like wiggly things and I say “Well mine look like sperm” then he says “Some people say sperm”. Let me also add that this guy is this middle aged Asian man – for you kids that went to MKHS, think of Mr. Lee-Sung. He then asks me if I’ve seen flashing lights and I say no – he then proceeds to tell me that if I see a sudden surge of these floaties (like from 10/15 to 100) and flashes of light to call him immediately because it’s a sign that my retina is detaching. WOW – first astigmatism then retina detaching, what’s next?

So he takes my glasses and he wants to test the prescription. He comes back and tells me that he knows the reason why I get headaches – the prescription on my glasses is off in my right eye. My prescription is -4.00 and my glasses are -4.50 (that’s a lot people!) and I have been using contacts that are -4.25. I have been living a LIE! Remember, I have been using these same glasses for 6 YEARS. I felt like I had seen the light (but not in the retina detaching way).

After the appointment was over, I had to drive out see some friends and on the way I opted to call my mom and check in (because god knows if I don’t call at least once a day she thinks I’m dead). So she answers the phone and we chit chat and I tell her about my trip to the optometrist and I get to the astigmatism part (by now I’m more concerned about the floaties).

This is our conversation (because she was speaking in Spanish I’m going to leave it because it makes the conversation sooo much better):

Me: I went to the optometrist to have my eyes checked.
Mom: Que te dijo? (What did he tell you?)
Me: The doctor told me I have astigmatism in my left eye.
Mom: Aye Dios Mio! (Oh My God!)
Me: Mom its not a big deal, my eye is shaped like a football – but its not that bad.
Dad (in the background): Que paso Myriam? (What happened Myriam?)
Mom (to my dad): Melissa tiene un “astigmatism” en el ojo! (Melissa has an astigmatism in her eye!)
Dad (gets on the phone): Mija, eso es mi culpa. Lo agarastes de mi. (Mija, that’s my fault, you got that from me)
Mom (back on the phone): Estas bien? (Are you ok?)
Me: I’m fine (wondering why I overreacted in the first place). Ok, I have to go bye!

A couple of days later, I’m in a public restroom and all of a sudden I see a light flashing. The first thing that comes to mind is that my retina is detaching; like I’m wondering if I should up and run or wipe first. Then I look up and realize that the light bulb in the bathroom is going out…


Mochene said...

Funny! Is it me, or do our conversations with our parents get crazier when we get older?

Especially love your predicament at the end.

mr_g said...

OH MY GOD! Not the lightbulb!!!!

Denny Shane said...

Hi Melissa! Now that is a funny story. I've had stigmatism for many years and to be honest I know just about as much as you...

normal: round
me: football

I'll be back!

Jessica said...

good grief Mel! that has got to be one of THE BEST things that I have heard this month (not the astigmatism part, but the story in general). I can't decide if your dad getting on the phone to casually say "sorry dear, that's my fault..." or the light-bulb are my favorite. You are gifted girl.Twisted, but gifted. Unfortunately I haven't felt up to posting much lately, so I've chosen to live vicariously through you for the time least until I get a life after term ends in 2 weeks. Ahhhh!!!!!!!!! Yes I screamed. Miss you!