La Tita

This post is dedicated especially to my cousins and my brother who will probably appreciate this story a lot more than anyone else....

I have a great aunt that I have been calling Abuelita (or Grandmother for you non-Spanish speakers out there) for years and years. I'm sure every family has their heirarchy and mine is no exception. Its is commonly known in my family (well my mom's side) that my Abuelita's favorite is one of my cousins - the rest of us are kind of just there...like rocks that got sucked into the orbit by accident, she knows we are there but..yeah just there. She is not a mean lady or anything, just the way things are. Its just a fact, we've learned to move on. Because we have established that I am not that particular favorite "one" I must give you a mini history of two particular gifts I received from her.

Numero Uno: It was my 10th birthday and we went to her house. Well she goes into her room and (no lie) reaches into her closet and pulls out a t-shirt that says "Can I Pay My Visa Bill With My Mastercard?" Ok - recap...I was 10! I had no concept of credit cards let alone did I get the joke.
Numero Two: We went to her house and she told me to go with her to her room to get my present and she randomly gets a stuffed animal off her bed and hands it to me. I think I was 16, dont really remember.

So fast forward to this Sunday where I was on my uncle's couch trying to get rid of my headache (damn you sake!!). When she walks up to me with something in her hands - looks like its in a smart and final shopping bag...yup, its for me. At this point, I think I had this look of puzzlement on my face since #1 I was kind of hung over and #2 - I had no idea what was coming to me. And then it came out - she gave me these two little ceramic bunnies with fake fur on it. Each one fits in the palm of your hand. Then the BEST PART (I know, how can it get any better than the fake fur right?) she tells me which one is the boy rabbit and which one is the girl rabbit. NO LIE. I'm just sitting there looking at my mom who is trying her hardest not to break out in laughter I can tell she's holding in. So I say thank you and then...AND THEN - she asks me if she should wrap them for me. I say no, its ok that I'll take them as is. She then puts them back in the Smart and Final bag and puts them with my purse and walks out of the room. I give my mom this look thats says "WTF?" and she says to me - "Yeah, she offered them to me first and I didnt say anything." WHAT?!!? I was second choice? Thats sucks even more. So last night I get home from work and what is waiting for me on my bookshelf. You got it - my little wabbits.



The girl rabbit on the right and the boy rabbit is on the left.

Look at the look that the boy rabbit has...

I need to get more hobbies if I'm trying to interpret the look from a fake rabbit.

What the hell?!?!

I'M GETTING SPAMMED!!! And here I thought my blog was getting REALLY popular. Oh well. I turned on the word verification - deal with it.

F*ck the Fire Marshall or No, I don't have a plan B.

I didn't know what to name my birthday weekend post - those were the two finalists. Alas - it was quite and interesting blog worthy weekend. Drove down to LA and after visiting with my cousins and uncle for a bit - I got ready and headed to North Hollywood for the big birthday dinner at Tokyo Delve's. We had 11 people showing and I had said that we should try to meet at 745 - since our reservations were at 8pm, figured that would be good. I got on the freeway at 705pm and immediately got stuck in traffic, then I took the 605 to the 210 and got stuck in traffic there. Stupid LA drivers. Anyways I got there at about 755pm and found Joel and Ivan there already. Ivan is a friend from college who found me on myspace and I haven't seen him in about 10 years. So the rest of the gang starts showing up and due to lack of parking in the area - people were walking in from blocks away. Scott and The Ang from Scottytime fame were there as well, along with Carol, Hope, Xochilt, Waymond, Sophia, Juan, and lovely ole me. Dinner is supposed to start at 8pm - I don't think we got inside until about 820pm or so and they apologized by having a mini keg of beer and sake waiting for us (important). So our waiter Scott introduces himself and asks us if we want anything - we say maybe water and Juan had enough foresight to order some edemame (again, important). We dilly dally enough and finally get around to deciding what we want when Scott the waiter comes back and tells us that the fire marshal is outside threatening to shut them down for the night for overcrowding and therefore not taking any food or drink orders because if they do shut them down -they would have to give it to us for free. I look around and everyone is seated - but apparently (by apparently I mean, I'm totally guessing) that since we were waiting outside for so long it proved a problem out there that they figure was going to translate inside. Ok - so Scott of Scottytime, the Ang, and I do a sake bomb and the edemame shows. We dig in. We are all chatting and I do another sake bomb and then its official - they shut the place down. Ok - now comes one of my favorite parts of the night - the trying to leave portion. I wanted a souvenir of the night and was joking with Scott (the waiter) that we should be able to take the mini keg home and he says no, I said fine what about a nice sake set, he could even autograph it for me. Again, he said no. So me with me empty stomach and two sake bombs (oh yeah, I was way buzzing) we go outside. We were outside waiting for the gang to figure out what plan b was - I mean, seriously on a Saturday night, no reservations? Yeah, kind of screwed we were. Waymond comes out with some sushi on some shells - ok - remember, we didn't order anything. The boy was scavenging from other tables! My kind of friends. Since I was in no shape to drive, I hopped into Juan's car and off we went to Citywalk. We lost Joel, Waymond, and Sophia to their respective homes (damn their responsible thinking) so we were down to 8. We made our way to Camacho's on Citywalk and now I wanted mariachis to serenade me. After Scott puts us down for a reservation (with a 45min-1 hour wait) we hit the bar. Why did I order a margarita?!? Why?!? I don't know. So we were chatting and my friends were getting to know one another. I was telling Joel that I was a bit nervous - you know when all your worlds meet? Anyways - everyone seemed to get along just fine, no fist fights or drinks being thrown. I thought it was funny hanging out with Scott - we haven't seen one another in about 5 years - we talked on the phone a while back, but with the blog, its like we chat everyday. It was all good. During dinner - I remember being really loud and (allegedly) embarrassing by yelling at the mariachis while they were on their break and asking them to sing for me for my birthday. Yeah, that didn't happen either. Had to call it a night about 1145pm. I have to say that I had such a great time and I thank all my friends for showing up. Yes, I'm working on the move....I will keep you posted!

This is a great sake set that I received as a present...aren't they great?!?!

Sunday I went to my niece's birthday party and it was so cute to watch all the kids play around. My cousin let me participate in all the games since I was a birthday girl too. I got my ass handed to me by a 9 year old in a coloring contest. Dammit. Ok - so maybe I'm mean, but I was dying when the kids opened up the pinata and when the candy fell out, my niece just lost it. She started crying hysterically! My mom said that we used to do that too but I dont buy it. I was just rolling - she even ran into her room (the party was in the patio of their apartment complex). Then we go get her and do the 2nd pinata and when the 2nd one blows - so does she. I felt bad that I was laughing at her, but the way she was crying it was as if her pet had died. I lied, I dont feel bad, it was pretty funny.

Ok - my grandmother is a nut and I have a story about the present she gave me, but it has to be its own post. So that will be going up later.

Blog of the Week! Movie Review! Newness Events! OH MY!

We have an action packed blog post today. Sometimes I dont know if posting several posts would be better - but I'm just going to do it in one shot. So off and running we go.

BLOG OF THE WEEK
Our blog for this week is a contribution from Juan who sent me the link yesterday. The blog is Michael Yon: Online Magazine and is about a reporter in Iraq attached to a battalion. For a little history, Juan was in Iraq for about a year and got back in April(ish). One of the people in the piece is Kurilla - who was Juan's battallion commander for a bit. Let me say - I only read the first story "Gates of Fire" and WOW - I mean WOW. I try to be open minded about what I read and to listen to many people's opinions about things. With the Iraq War - I'm rather sensitive to the whole thing - because I have friends that have come back from it, friends that are over there now like Evan and Victor, and some that might go back like Juan. Reading the story - really put me there, to see what things actually happens. Once again, I know they happen but you want to believe they don't-you know? Mostly for your friends, so they dont have you see it - its the protection thing I have I guess. Anyways - whatever your stance is on being over there, its a very thrilling story.

MOVIE REVIEW
This morning I saw "FRIDA" with Salma Hayek. Very good movie. I was chatting with my friend Iliana (who let me borrow the movie) that sometimes it takes a movie to open your eyes about someone. I had no idea she got into a trolley accident and was basically handicapped for most of her life. Anyways - excellent portrayal, beautiful costumes, lots of big names, and lesbian love by Salma.

Valiant: Yes, I went to see the WWII pigeon movie with the Jakeman. The best thing about that movie was the preview for Ice Age 2. At one point Jacob said to me, "Wake up Mommy, you are missing the movie!" I swear that movie didnt kind of suck - it really sucked.

NEWNESS EVENT FOR 08/25/05
So hope was fading for something new to happen. Until 11:30pm last night. I saw something I had never seen before. There was a slow speed chase on TV. I have to admit that I love to watch high/slow anykind of speed chases on TV. To me, they are entertaining. THERE IS A FREAKING HELICOPTER OVERHEAD - HOW DO YOU EXPECT TO GET AWAY? Anyways, the guy gets off the freeway and low and behold is driving through my old neighborhood. I kept trying to guess where he was. Then I see it - he pulls into a parking lot of a church where my aunt "Tsunami Tachi" told off some guy when he took her parking spot. So he gets out of the car and no lie - sits down at the picnic table and starts writing something. Then 20-30 police officers swarmed him. I found it to be quite comical.

NEWNESS EVENT FOR 08/26/05
There is one thing I learned from VALIANT - did you know they give out bravery medals to animals? The Dickin Medal is a British award given to animals who show courage and has been instrumental in saving human life. Between 1943 and 1949 PDSA awarded 54 Dickin Medals: 32 pigeons, 18 dogs, three horses and one cat. Who knew?

Poker Tournament Pictures

Joel came through (finally) and I got some pictures from the poker tournament.

Here you go - enjoy!

Jonny Fairplay and I - see, I TOLD YOU!!! I know the Celebrity Poker Showdown didnt buy me any credibility, but ITS TRUE!!! I think Shannon was the only one really waiting for this picture to be posted.

My beautiful chips that I lost rather quickly after this picture was taken....damn you Joel - DAMN YOU!!!!

This is Joel (HI JOEL!) and the winner Angie. Joel is still claiming his excellent poker lesson was the reason she won. I'll let him have that little fantasy. Scott - you and the Ang will meet him on Saturday.

Verizon Sucks

I lost my DSL last night for some reason. I came into work and a coworker was complaining about his Verizon DSL as well. At least its not just me.

Took Jacob out to dinner to celebrate that he's starting preschool on Tuesday. The restaurant is like Benihana's and he absolutely loves it. Since we got there early enough in the evening - we shared the 8 person table with only two other people. It was nice of the chef to tailor the show just to the Jakeman. He thoroughly enjoyed it. I, however, got into it with the waitress because they wouldnt let me take my drink home. Let me explain. Jacob ordered a soda and (normally) they bring drinks to kids in a styrafoam cup. In this case, they didnt. I didnt think much of it at the moment, until the bill came and Jacob had only drank very little of it. So I asked for a cup to go - they refused. I asked why and they said something about refills. But I didnt want a refill - I wanted what was left of the drink, thats it (I would have cared less if it was my drink but you-know-who was asking for it). I pointed out to the waitress that there was another little boy with a styrofoam cup and he gets to take his drink home - how come my son didnt get a styrofoam cup. Yeah, that got her. I know it was petty - but I was trying to make a point. What that point was - probably that I was right and she was wrong. I dont know what got into me - I think that I was trying to show Jacob that you have to at least try. Not sure. But they got back at me, I got home and got violently ill from the meal. Bastards.

Nothing new as of yet - although something extremely funny happened yesterday at work. Two guy were trying to open this candy jar I have on my desk with the Taffy in it. They couldnt - I mean then were banging the lid on the desk, the floor, putting it between their legs, passing it back and forth between them - nothing. I tried to tell them that I may be able to help and they gave me this "But you are just a girl" look. So they gave up and one of them left the office. I picked up the jar - and no lie - cracked it open. The second guy just stood there in shock - what did I do? Damn right - ran into the hallway and hollered at the first guy and showed him that I opened the jar.

Melissa was Kung Fu Fighting

I had a weird dream this morning. I was running around town doing errands with a coworker and I kept saying that I couldn't be late for my class. Well we were at the post office where these 3 girls started harassing me for some reason. I tried to ignore them but they just kept coming at me - flicking my hair, pushing me, telling me shit...it was odd. So this girl pokes my chest and I tell her to stop or "else". She said "oh, yeah?" and pokes me again - then (out of no where) I grab her arm and then sweep my foot behind hers and drop her to the floor. I look at her and say "I said, leave me alone" I love how I'm intimidating in my dream. Anyways - so then I turn around to see if my friend is almost done with his stuff and the girl gets up and comes at me again (like she didn't learn her lesson the first time around). She raises her hand as if to slap me and as it comes down, I grab it, turn it, and get it behind her back. I push her to her friends and go stand with my friend. Next thing you know, here she comes again! This time with a soda and I manage to avoid getting any on me, but she gets a coke bath. For some reason, now is the time that her friends get involved and some kung fu fighting ensues. I don't know kung fu but I felt like Neo at the end of the Matrix - with the slow motion, calmness, but sans the leather. When we walked out, they were a sore beat up mess. Maybe its my frustration over something that's going on that has manifested itself into this dream...could be. Very well could be.

I walked into work today and my health conscious boss had left a V-8 on my desk.

Scott's a sweetheart.

Only one guy noticed the straight hair. The girls all saw it - but none of the people I actually work with said anything until I brought it up, then they go the inevitable "Oh yeah, I thought something was different" response. Consensus - most people liked it but prefer me with the curly do.

Great big happy belated birthday to Yona and an even bigger happy birthday to Tsunami Tachi - yes Tia, that is your name from now on.

Don't get me started on what Pat Robertson has said.

NEWNESS EVENT FOR 08/24/05
I am not, by any means, knowledgeable about guns. This morning someone was flipping through a newspaper in my lobby area and they talked about some new guns that were being shown at this event in Blackwater. One of the guns they "featured" was a grenade launcher. I don't want to sound naive (because I know I do) BUT a "six-shot revolving barrel that is capable of pumping 40mm grenades out so fast, you'll fire the sixth one before the first one hits home". HOLY SHIT PEOPLE! Here is a difference from when I read this story and when a someone else read it he said - "See, you think this is terrorism, I think its fun." No kidding - the best line...the absofuckinglutely best line of the whole thing was "Throw a sight on there, and even a child can shoot it. Really, we watched a 9-year old pluck practice rounds into a car window 75 yards away."

Something New

You know the old saying - "You learn something new every day"? That is my new mini goal - to do or learn something new everyday. I'm going to see how hard or easy it might be. I'll post my newness on the blog and we shall see how it goes. I'm hoping it will be entertaining if anything.

Last night, I bought Jacob a 100 piece puzzle with Batman and the Joker on it and I'll be damned if we didnt finish it rather quickly. True, I helped but he did the majority of it. The funny thing was that when we went to the store, they didnt have any puzzles of interest on the bottom shelves - but we found the Batman puzzle on the very top of the shelf - like where it says "If you want something from here, get help". I'm all about not asking for help and I do what comes to mind. Have carry Jacob and push him up as high as I can to get the damn thing. It was so funny because here is this 28 yr old with her 3yr old son practically standing on her shoulders trying to get a puzzle. He finally got it and it was as if we'd conquered a country he was so excited.

NEWNESS EVENT FOR 08/22/05:
You might find this hard to believe (or not) but I've never had Salt Water Taffy (or any kind of taffy for that matter) - until yesterday. Someone came back from a trip to the East Coast and brought back a box of Salt Water Taffy. Finally I got around to trying it. Honestly - not a fan. Sticks to the teeth and there is no taste. Solved that mystery of life.

NEWNESS EVENT FOR 08/23/05:
I straightened my hair today. Ok - as I've mentioned before, I'm not one of those gals that takes oodles of time getting ready. From the shower to the door - I'm done in one hour - if that. Most of that time is actually being IN the shower. So I decided to straighten my hair to see 1) how it would look and 2) to see if any of my coworkers notice since they are notorious for not noticing anything. So far, NADA.

Know when to hold 'em...Know when to fold 'em...

POKER BABY!!! Saturday was the big poker tournament and let me say WOW! Not only do I have a great blog story to post - so much so that I H-A-D to call Shannon and share as it was happening- but, Joel did an excellent job organizing the event. On with the story...

I arrive right before 1:30pm at the poker locale and helped with the last of the set up. Joel's friend Abby and I ordained ourselves the welcoming committee and the snacking begins. Joel then starts the poker lesson and there were about 5 girls sitting there giggling and mocking Joel (its easy to do, trust me). He claims we weren't paying attention and some gals even defect from our table to the other one where Bud was giving a lesson. Joel and I started chatting and he was telling me that on Thursday night he met Jonny Fairplay at a media event and that he had shown interest in attending the event and that since MTV was following him around, he might show up with a film crew. We were joking around how funny that would be and slowly people began to show. It was close to 3pm (the time the tournament was to start) and who shows?

Damn skippy - Jonny Fairplay (sans MTV crew in tow - only his girlfriend)






So the tournament begins and my luck, I sit at Jonny's table. Now - for sheer entertainment value, this guy kept me in stitches for most of the afternoon. I also have to say that he is a fairly good poker player - this from a gal whose poker experience is limited to screaming at the tv when Celebrity Poker Showdown is on. Which leads me to say that I just saw Jonny Fairplay - along with Omarosa and Trishelle on CPS that Thursday so I thought "Dude, I got it. I saw when he bluffed and when he played. I had the upper hand." WRONG! I was trying to bluff him when all I had was an ACE high and he had a pair.

This is how I felt after that hand - not that he actually did this...he was silly but very nice.

Some gems from that day from his mouth to your eyes...

Dealer: Jonny...are you in?

Jonny: Can a black man dance?

Jonny (speaking to anyone): Look at that, Joel's rocking out with his cock out.

I did get him when I had two pair - though. Yeah me! Since the majority of the players at our table were novices (including yours truly) you knew players were only playing when they actually had a hand, which is fine and dandy but no one was playing! Anyways, Jonny and I went head to head a couple of times and another girl ended up knocking me out extremely early (I was the 2nd player out) - there was a pair and a queen on the board, I had a queen and an Ace - but she had pocket Kings. DAMMIT! Oh well. His girlfriend ended up going out and he got bumped out pretty quickly after that. It was pretty cool that he showed up though and proved to be great entertainment at the table. Although if I heard "When I was on Celebrity Poker Showdown" or "When I was on Killer Reality" or "Back on Survivor..." one more time...but it was all good. A novice player ended up winning the whole thing - the very same gal who knocked me out so it was lots of fun. Joel was Mr. Prepared with this thing - I have to get him to make me some CD's of the music he put together for the event - quite ecclectic. Dont know how you mix Britney Spears and Kenny Rogers...BUT HE DID IT! Oh so he also had a raffle going and I got my tickets from entering the tournament and bought a few more. Let me say that I was losing hope that I was going to get ANYTHING. I finally won something - tickets to a movie theater 120 miles away. THANKS MAN! He also gave out some DVD's and the gal already had "That Thing You Do!" and so she gave it to me. Out of pity? I dont care, it was free. I think that it ended up that everyone won at least one thing - which was really cool. Jonny's girlfriend won one of the MP3 players he was giving out. So at least that made it worthwhile since (apparently) she had lost her iPod earlier that week.

Thanks Joely for the fabulous time. I'm still trying to get rid of all those pocketpacks you gave me.

ALL IN!

Today is the big day - Joel's poker tournament! I'm getting ready to head out of town and TRAVEL to it. This is the dedication I have to my friend and his cause. So the funny thing is that last night I caught Lord of the Rings on tv and ended up dreaming that I was a hobbit playing Texas Hold Em. I ended up putting "The Ring" in when I had pocket Aces and caught another Ace on the flop. Unfortunately, someone else ended up making a flush and well - humanity was screwed.

Anyways - off to LA I go. I'll update when I return.

FRIDAY!!!!

I've only been at work for 3 days this week but thank goodness its Friday! I got my car back yesterday with a new battery and a rebuilt alternator, window still not working, but I went to wash it. Even did a little detail using the vacuum and armor all. My dad usually checks if hell is freezing over anytime I do anything other than going through the auto wash.

My boss brought fruit in again and was telling a coworker that was not here last week about the V-8 incident.

Joel's Poker Tournament is almost here!!! People please check out his webpage for more information. If you are able to give, great! He needs all the help he can get...wait...no its true, I'm not going to lie. Poker Tourney is going to be lots of fun. REMEMBER - if you come and mention this blog, you will get an extra raffle ticket. I wonder if promoting my attendance is considered like a celebrity appearance? Doubtful since I was on TV once when my friend Levi and I went to KTTV in Los Angeles as part of career day. We were there for the taping of Good Day LA (waaay before it got yappy with Jillian Barberie and Dorothy Lucey). The weather guy was going to introduce us and Levi freaked. I looked at him and asked what was going on. He said that he forged his parent's signature on the permission slip. My mom was recording the show you know "just in case" and when we watched it - you can see my surprised look and Levi freaking out a bit. It was hysterical, I was trying so hard not to just break out laughing. Ahh, Levi, I miss him. Tangent! POKER! Come on people, it will be fun. Even if you can't make it but would like to contribute to a good cause, you can go to this page and make a donation.

Well, thats all I got I think. If you saw the South Park clip from the Aristocrats....tell me what you thought in the comments. I'm curious.

Dude!

I found this clip that South Park made for the movie The Aristocrats .

BE WARNED - ITS VULGAR AND CRUDE.

I've come to realize that I'm recommending this movie to everyone I come in contact with (my poor coworkers are sick of hearing about it). I don't know how I'm coming across if I think this is hysterical...you know? Anyways - I hope you like it!

Halloween Costume

I couldnt help but post this - what a great idea - a group costume! Gotta thank the "Skipper" for this one.

I hate my car

I have been having drama after drama with my car. Must I remind you all of my flat tire? I have yet another thing to go wrong with it. I must give some history to help all of you from saying "Man, she likes to bitch." I do - but not now...I'm warranted now.

About 6 months ago, my driver's side window switch decided to go to a higher place. A big reason I hate automatic windows is that you are so dependent on the electronics and and switches - manual ones just need your arm. I digress - my window switch died and I had to resort to opening my door when I went through drive thru's. Needless to say, I drastically cut down on my trips to drive thru's from the sheer humilation of doing such a ghetto manuever. My ex has been trying to fix it, but one thing after another - it has never been resolved. So last week, he had taken the switch out to do something with it (I have no idea, nor do I care) but my passenger side window had been left down a little bit. Well when he took the switch out, I couldnt use the switch on the passenger door to put the window up. So I couldn't wash my car last week - so I had to resort to driving my dirty ass car all last week. My switch gets puts back (window STILL not working) but at least I can close the other side. Last night was the night - I was going to go wash my car (and vacuum - which if you know me is a huge deal if I do, its like putting make up on my car...who am I trying to impress?!?!). The Jake man and I pile in the car and we are ready to go - I turn the key and *CLICK*. WTF?!?! I do it again... *CLICK* I barely have any power because the headlights and dashboard lights wont even come one. I do the girly thing and try again - *CLICK* This time I had enough forsight to bring the passenger window down so I can try to figure out what is going on -right? WRONG! There isnt enough power to bring it back up. So what do I do? Damn Skippy - call the ex who is Mr. Auto Help. Turns out there is a dead cell in the battery but its already too late to go get another battery so I have to wait until today. ARGGHHHH

Lets run this down: Window not working, Dead Battery (which means I have to reprogram ALL my radio stations again), AND my car still needs a wash.

Movie Review: The Aristocrats

Since I have gotten some blank looks from friends when I've told them I went to see this movie, some explainations maybe in order. First, I need to say that I went to see this at the Arclight Theater in Hollywood. I have never paid $11 for a matinee showing but holy shit, was this worth it. The theater is nice, they assign you a seat, and the ushers introduce themselves and give a film synopsis. Like I said - wowie. Ok - so there were about 20 people in this early showing and we were off to a good start. The Aristocrats is a documentary made by two comedians - Paul Provenza and Penn Jillette (yes, of Penn and Teller). The Aristocrats is one of the oldest jokes on the books - dating back to vaudeville that is told in the safe haven of other comedians. So the joke starts out like this, "A man walks into a talent agents office..." and ends with "The Aristocrats!" Ok the big deal about this - is that the "body" of the joke is to be made as filthy, dirty, offensive, raunchy as possible. And then the punch line is "The Aristocrats" Get it? Yeah, its not really supposed to be TA-DA funny - but its the journey...to see how far the person who tells the joke goes with it. I swear people - I never thought I'd laugh so hard at the thought of a man having sex with a gorilla, a grandmother having sex with the family dog, or a family rolling around in their own excrement. Bob Saget - sick hysterical man...Gilbert Gottfried - holy cow, I almost peed but to me...the best one was the mime. Yes, they had a mime tell the joke. Picture a mime telling a joke about sex and excrement. It goes beyond any adjectives I can think of. Worth every cent in those $11 I paid, oh plus the $3 for my soda.

The Party Crasher

Shannon sent this to me...so funny!!!

Movie Reviews!!!

Part of my weekend fun was watching movies...here they go in no particular order.

Y Tu Mama Tambien: Spanish flick - very funny, sexual. Its about two best friends and woman that go on a road trip. The guy from Motorcycle Diaries is in it and I've never seen so much ass on screen since the last porn I watched. Highly recommended.

Kung Fu Hustle: I have to admit that I wanted to watch this movie ever since it came out in the theater. It was um...interesting. Since I'm not huge on the whole Kung Fu thing - some things seemed far fetched to me, but its a MOVIE! Overall, I liked it, it was entertaining.

Season 1 of Entourage: ok, this is a show that is on HBO about a movie star and his friends that are his "entourage" including his washed up actor brother. This series is hysterical! My favorite character is Jeremy Piven. In general, I'm a big fan but he plays this slimy agent in the show. LOVE IT!

Stupid Blogger

So for some reason - this website keeps editing my post...so I'm going to post my review of THE ARISTOCRATS later - it was so nicely typed with witty remarks and all....

Ugghhh

Ever feel like when you are making progress on a project you are starting to transition from a jog to a run and then you get clothelined? Yeah, that was me yesterday. Anyways - finally got home from LA at about 930pm.

Ok - I have a rant...people that don't know how to drive.

Twice...T-W-I-C-E, I was made to get on the shoulder as to avoid a head on collision with some asshole that wanted to pass a car on the southbound lane of traffic. I had two friends die on this particular highway that I use and I would rather get there late than not get there at all. These people who don't drive this highway on a regular basis think they own the road or are entitled to do whatever the hell they want. WTF?!?! We are all going to get there at the same time...why? Because there are traffic lights dick head. So what annoys me the most is when there is a sign that says there is a passing lane 2 miles ahead and these kamikaze drivers still decide to pass grandma's station wagon on a blind turn. I'll happily ride grandma's coat tails until the passing lane. Know another reason why? The Chippers - thats right. Good ole highway patrol. I just paid my freaking speeding ticket (plus traffic school) and kissed that little money goodbye. I dont need to get there THAT fast. Hell no. So to you tailgaters that decide that my 80mph Nissan isnt fast enough for you...go ahead and pass me, just dont freaking CUT ME OFF in the process. If you are going to pass, know you have room - don't just get in front of me and think that since you have a Yukon or Expedition you are able to bully your way in. I always wanted to have a built in asshole driver button. Like you are only allowed to use it once a day or something - but it could be linked to some database and it complains to the DMV about drivers. Enough people complain and they get points on their license. Just a thought.

MIA

Yes, I havent posted. I have to attribute this to lack of internet accessibility. I've been sitting at my friend's house all morning and finally she showed me how to hook up to her wireless network. Ahh the technology. Weekend has been long and lots of fun.

I first have to say to Scott that I was not nursing a hangover..that is not the reason we did not hook up on Saturday. I was just too freaking tired and then well out plans just didnt work out for Sunday. My birthday celebration will be on Saturday night...not Friday.

OK - weekend - lots to say and it will be broken up into different posts. Went to a wedding Friday night - awesome, even though we had a psychotic valet kid stalking us all night. When we arrived we had to unload the centerpieces and stuff and parked in the valet area to make it easier - then when we were asked to move the car (or pay the $3.50) well the car was blocked, then the ceremony started, then we helped getting the reception area set up, then the liquor started...blah blah blah. Needless to say we never got around to paying the damn $3.50. At the end of the night - no lie - the freaking valet was standing next to the car asking for his $3.50. I felt like John Cusack in Better Off Dead with the newspaper boy tracking him down for his "TWO DOLLARS!!!". Finally got off to bed at 3am.

Woke up Saturday with every intention to get some free tickets the LA Kings were giving away for a pre-season game against the Mighty Ducks - the website said to go to a ticketmaster location or go to the Staples Center, I opted to hit a Tower Records and while I was there, I would get my tickets for Frozen Fury (a preseason game where the LA Kings play against the Avalanche in Vegas). Scotty boy calls because we are trying to meet up and he's mocking this guy at a ticketmaster he walked by that he was wearing a Kings jersey - there is a girl in my line wearing a Kings hat AND holding a teddy bear wearing a Kings uniform. So about 25 people are lined up to get the free tickets when low and behold the guy comes out and says that they are only giving the tickets out at Staples Center or online - ONLY. Mother F**KER!! So I get on my cell and call my friend Hope to get online and start searching for tickets. I love my friend and how they put up with my quirks. By the time I get to the house, she has tried several times to get tickets but they all seem to be gone. But I did manage to get my Frozen Fury tickets!!! Happy Birthday to me! We lounge most of the day and watch a couple of movies (my movie reviews from this weekend will be in another post).

Had me a night out with Juan Saturday night. Poor guy had crashed on his bike and so he was hurt and sore, I was still freaking tired from the wedding. We made quite a pair, but at least we had sushi - yeah us.

Sunday went to the movies in the morning to see "The Aristrocrats" at the Arclight and then headed to Joel's house to help out with the poker tournament preparations - which consisted of us watching Kung Fu Hustle and the entire season of Entourage. Yeah us and our laziness!

Monday - I had an appointment which got carried over to today which is why I'm still in LA. Its either I stayed the night or waited until the end of the month - since I lack patience, here I am. I came over to Steph's and we had a cookout and hung out. Got her and her sister hooked on DG's blog - I love it!!! Its like I'm creating a freaking cult.

Ok - gotta run. I'll blog the movie reviews tonight - I promise!!!

I Hate Joe

One of the perks of parenthood - in my opinion - is that you can watch the corny movies or tv shows under the pretense that its just for your kid and you "had" to do it. Have I told you how surprisingly good Sky High was? Any "family" movie that has two of the five Kids in the Hall is worth a shot.

Ok so this brings me to my son's love for Blue's Clues. This show can be rather entertaining - to me in comes down to the host. When it first started Steve was the host. So Steve ended up leaving because he had been doing the show for about 6 years and they sent Steve "off to college". Then Steve's "little brother" Joe came to move in a take care of Blue (the animated dog). Joe took over and its been him ever since. I even know all the little songs...dammit.

This is Steve. This is Joe.

After a while - apparently, there were rumors about Steve being dead. The actor even had to go on talk shows to show the parents that he was indeed alive - so the preschoolers could go on with their lives. So now - Steve is this indie punk rocker.

Here is a "now" picture:

To me, Steve was just funnier. When he cracked a joke, it was not just for the kids but it was funny for the adults too. Joe's just a big dork. He's like one of those people that tries too hard to be liked - you know? So lately, the Jake man has been watching his Blue's Clues videos and he has one with Steve in it and one with Joe in it. Luckily he's been watching the Steve one (over and over again). Today he put the Joe one in and he asked me all doe eyed to watch it with him. The funny thing is that he knows I dont like Joe and he does it to bug me. Little bugger.

Come back Steve!!!

What happens in Vegas - goes on the blog

Ok - here is my bachelorette party adventure sans pictures. I dont know if I'll ever get them and well, I dont want to wait to post this little adventure of mine.

I head to the hotel to meet up with the girls and we head out to the Palms to meet up with the limo that will take us to Olympic Gardens and then back to the Palms to Club Rain. When we get to the Palms we are loading up on liquor (because we are cheap and want to be drunk by the time we hit the strip bar) and while drinking in the van in the parking lot (thats so sad huh) we see the sign that they are having the world movie premiere for Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo right around the corner from the main entrance to the Palms. We get out of the car and head over to the bright lights. As we are walking over - security is checking people in limos and if they are "authorized" to show up at the red carpet. I saw one limo being denied as we walked by and I wondered who that might be but opted not to care too much. So we get up to the front and saw David Spade getting out of the limo and then some supporting actors of the movie. We were killing some time, waiting for the rest of the gals to show up when the crowd started to go wild. They started screaming and yelling and then I heard it "OJ! OJ!" Oh yeah - OJ showed up. But he didnt come out of any limo on the red carpet - he was dropped off at the front of the casino and he walked around and onto the red carpet. Now - let me ask you...how washed up are you if you have to invite yourself to a red carpet event? People are screaming "We know you are innocent OJ!" Me? No, I think he's guilty as hell so I knew then it was time to walk away. The limo arrives and we go to the strip joint where...yeah I'm not going to say what happened. Email me and I'll tell you the funny stories but let me say a few things...words to the wise if you will about the strip club.

1) If we are the only girls there because you just opened...it doesnt do you guys much good to bombard us with offers of lap dances. All that does is not want to be there.
2) FYI - Coconut oil is not an attractive scent.
3) Note to gay strippers...flagrantly waving that pinkie around kills the illusion.
4) No matter how cute you are - if you dance to the Backstreet Boys - that too kills the illusion.
5) Hot wax - OUCH!
6) If I offer you a dollar when you arent on stage, dont be an ass and just take it. Thats why you were cutoff from the tips the rest of the night.

From Olympic Gardens we went back to the Palms where we had VIP treatment to get into Rain - let me say it was totally awesome to just walk through the whole crowd and go straight to the front of the line. So we get into Rain and the first impression I get is that its way too crowded. We immediately hit the bar and we start to walk around the club. My celeb sighting radar went off and I recognized Ryan Cabrera. Here is the funny thing: I didnt recognize him as Ryan Cabrera - the singer, I recognized him as Ryan Cabrera - Ashlee Simpson's boyfriend. I told the bride to be and she went nuts. Then her friend heard and she went nuts. Holy shit people! They tracked him down and got a picture with him - two other girls in our group got on their cell phones in the very VERY loud club and were telling whoever they were talking to that "WE JUST SAW RYAN CABRERA!!! AHHHHHHH!!!!!! HE'S SO CUTE!!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!! AHHHHHH!!!!" My friend asked me what was going on and I told her and she's all "Who's Ryan Cabrera?" Yup at that moment we realized we were the old ones in the group. And let me say that was not the only indication that night. We did a lap around the club and there was really no place to be. We managed to find some space and staked it out.

More words to the wise:
1) A hat alone does not make you cool
2) If you look like JJ "Dynomite" Walker - you probably wont be getting any play
3) If you hit on one gal in the group, dont do a lap and try to hit on another girl in the same group - we dont like to be second choice.
4) If you give a girl a lap dance, right there in the middle of the club, dont expect her to give you a lap dance back - thats what strip bars are for.
5) Do not just come up behind a girl and start dancing with them - be a gentleman and at least ask. Otherwise that knee to the groin is the only answer you are going to get.

The night is now dwindling down and we are tired - well the "older" gals. I was done with Rain after about an hour and a half - it was too crowded, hot, and in my opinion overrated. Its about 2am and my friend gets asked to dance (see...gentleman) and next thing you know, she's going to the VIP lounge - the bride to be and her friend tag along. We decide we are done and we keep trying to call her cell because not only does she have all of my stuff in her purse, but she has the car keys as well (by now we are all sober). Finally she texts back that she's partying up there and to come get her later...we ask with who and she said OJ. DAMN THAT MAN! She comes downstairs and gives us the car keys and we leave. We find someone else who is HAMMERED and we help her to the car. After a bad drinking experience for the 22nd birthday, I dont get to the point anymore, I've resolved that watching people get shit faced is a lot more fun than praying to the porcelain god. We get to the car and I ride shotgun. The drunk gal is trying to give directions - apparently she's the shit. As we are driving she's asking me if I think we'd be able to walk around the Four Season's Hotel and find celebrities. I told her that I doubt it but she could try in the morning, I'm thinking that at 230am, it would be frowned upon to go knocking on doors, but thats just me. Then she says - Do you even know what the Four Seasons are? Do I look like a freaking hick? Actually my aunt is an executive with The Four Seasons and I have a very nice set of towels from them. I tell her that and I look in the side mirror and see her face smashed up against the door - which I thought was really funny. Anyways, we start to pull into Jack in the Box for a little late night snack and since the gals in the back seat seem to be sleeping we start to talk about ordering. Then I hear in a faint voice - Chicken Chibata with a Strawberry Milkshake...then snoring. I was dying. We get our food and end up back in the room. I tried to stay up in case my friend called for the ride and next thing I know (about an hour later) they show up. I asked how things went and they said that had fun - overall and how they thought it was interesting that all the gals he had in his VIP room looked like Nicole Simpson. So I asked, if you were having so much fun why did you leave? She said that Suge Knight and his entourage showed up and she couldnt handle being in a room with more than one killer. HAHAHAHA!!! Sorry did that come out? Anyways, quite the interesting and fun trip, not at all what I expected, but at least it was an adventure and I hope you enjoyed it.

The Confession

This morning I was getting hungry and since my health conscious boss hadnt walked by with his daily V-8, so I offered to go downstairs to our little snack bar and pick him up one, while I get one for myself. I had decided to get healthy and start the day out right. Cutting out the sodas...cutting down on the sweets - eating healthy - YEAH ME! So I run downstairs and hit the snack bar and order my V-8s. There was a donut box on the counter and out of curiousity I open it to see what they had, thinking since it was 9am all the good ones would be gone and there would be no temptation - right? WRONG...the one donut they had left was my favorite - the devil's food cake with peanuts...yum. I stood there and looked at it and grabbed. I was never a fan of turning down my wants and desires, figured a happy Melissa was a good Melissa. So I paid for all the stuff and I stood there and ate it. The snack bar guy just looked at me and asked me why I didnt go back to my desk. And I told him that I didnt want to get caught eating the donut by my boss. Holy shit - I'm ashamed of eating donuts!!!! Its like those women who hide in closets and eat junk food and have stuff stashed all over the place. So I come back (after the so called shameful act) and I drink my V-8, which had a weird taste when you are using it as a donut chaser. My boss would walk by and look over at my drinking my V-8, I'm sure there was a sense of pride in there somewhere. After I got back from lunch, I couldnt take it - I confessed to him what had happened. I thought it was funny - more so the idea that I felt I needed to hide eating a donut. He jokingly said he was disappointed and felt he was "getting through" to me. Funny guy...then walks out of the office. He came back in a few minutes later and it looked like he was carrying something but I couldnt tell. I went into his office to drop something off and I caught him red handed with a Snickers bar. Ok, gotta get back to my slushy.

Busy Weekend

Went to Vegas Saturday for a bachelorette party - oh yeah, detailed post (hopefully with pictures) to come. Had a really good time. This month is going to freaking fly by. I've been so busy at work and I have plans out of town every weekend for the rest of the month, including my birthday (YEAH!).

Something funny that did happen is that when we were heading to my brother's house, we were listening to the radio and they had just given away tickets to see Four Brother with Mark Wahlberg. Well the DJ starts saying "Its a musical cast with Mark Wahlberg of New Kids on the Block fame, Andre 3000 from OutKast, and Tyrese." I'm sitting in my car correcting the woman that Mark Wahlberg was NOT in NKOTB (shut up, I loved them when I was a kid) it was his brother Donnie. It was funny the way my mom was looking at my like I was nuts for going off on the DJ for not knowing her stuff.

This morning I was tied up trying to get some travel orders for some of our Search and Rescue peeps that are heading down to Edwards AFB to support NASA in case they land out here tomorrow morning. I'm so tempted to drive out there, I'm 45 minutes away and it would be so awesome to do so, but one of the pilots told me she's not sure if the public is going to be allowed in - just checked the website and public will not be allowed in. Damn. Still be tempted to drive down and park off the 14 - I'm sure you'd still be able to see it. Can you imagine - you are at the McD's drive through and you see the Shuttle coming towards you in your rear-view mirror? That'd be funny as hell.

How Can I Cash In?

I was reading DG's blog this morning and the Madman posted his blog's worth. Turns out, I'm on there too! My blog shares are currently worth $0.64 on BLOGSHARE. Scott's shares are worth $0.86.

Joel's Charity Ride

Ladies and Gents of the Net:

I have an announcement...My very dear, sweet, funny, available, adorable friend Joel is having a poker tournament in Studio City, CA on August 20th. Its a BBQ and the Texas Hold 'Em Tournament. It will be a good time had by all. I'm actually wondering how many people would actually show from the mention of this blog. So I asked Joel - if you show and mention THIS blog...you will get an extra raffle ticket. Look at the power people!

So without further adieu - from Joel's fingers to your eyes...

Okay, so people ask me why I'm having this poker tournament. Ultimately, it's because I hate whining to people, asking for handouts. Every day at work someone's trying to raise money for their kid's school, for their run/walk/bike thing, for whatever this month's cause is. I'm pretty sure this month's cause is bailing out NASA from public embarassment - do you know how expensive a good PR campaign can be?

But I digress. Even if they offer you something for the donation, you're paying like $5 for a cheap ass candy bar that's made in some generic factory with ingredients pulled from the bowels of the local farm. You know how hotdogs are made from all the leftovers from all the animals we cut up to make meat? Same thing for this candy bar they try to pass off as edible. Who's the charity? The candy manufacturer? Some businesses are meant to go under.

So, I need to raise $3000 for the Arthritis Foundation and participate in a bike ride from San Francisco to LA. But I'm kicking down a helluva lot to get these donations. First off, I've giving up a chunk of ass for it. Because by the time I get done riding my bike 520 miles, I'm going to have a serious wedgie. And the wedgie will be wedged into a secondary wedgie of skin from the original wedgie.

Anyway. The Poker Tournament is my way of having fun with the donations. But it's a helluva lot of work. And probably costing me more than I would have spent if I had just donated the $3000 myself. But it will be a ton of fun. You can check out all of the details at http://www.joelwardonline.com/TotallyCyclotic/

If you can't make the tournament (or don't want to, or don't know who the fuck I am), then the Arthritis Foundation can still use the support. If you can donate even a few bucks, give it a shot at http://afcoastride.kintera.org/magicant

Thanks for the time. We now take you back to your regularly scheduled program, courtesy of The Onion...
White House Denies Existence Of Karl Rove

FEATURED READER - Shannon

Today's featured reader is SHANNON! Shannon you can insert your own applause here.



Background on our relationship: I was married to her brother and obviously is the cool aunt that Jacob loves to see. Ok, he really likes her huge tv (to watch Ice Age and Monster's Inc but don't tell her that. I'm really glad through all this - we have been able to become really good friends.





1) What do you do? Paralegal Such a huge office too!

2) Where do you live? Long Beach, CA I miss the beach - you, Scott, and the Ang should start hanging out.

3) What brings you back to RantsRavesandRamblings? Melissa’s funny stories make me laugh and it’s the best way to keep up with my sister-in-law’s life. I try to keep things entertaining.

4) What is your favorite RantsRavesandRamblings story? Probably the one about Universal Studios which, with the pictures, mad me laugh out loud. (Even though I was there.) I know, I read it over a few times and that last picture of Jacob just drops me.

5) What are you doing right now? Filling out a questionnaire about myself, duh. See - a smartass...I love it.

6) Are you divorced yet? That’s a GREAT question! Was not expecting that one. Um, NO. Let’s see it’s been 13 months since I filed. It’s an uncontested divorce. And I’m STILL friggin’ married. Kill me now. I think its funny that since you divorced - I separated, filed, got custody, and it was final. Tempted to move to the desert just for the divorce stuff huh?

7) Why dont you start your own blog? Because it would take a lot of time and energy to try to keep people entertained. I bet it would be therapeutic though. Let me tell you - its so much fun and it is therapeutic - at least I feel like I'm not the only one that thinks the same way. Also I get a kick when strangers decide to read up on me since I started this mostly for my family and friends, now its a form of entertainment.

8) Are you an avid reader of other blogs? I’m very faithful to RantsRavesandRamblings and now I’m daily checking out the Disgusting Girl blog but I’m tired of reading the word cunt and this morning’s picture was NASTY. Yeah, that picture and the whole cunt thing was a bit much, but I'm still going to keep checking the blog every freaking day.

9) Have you recommended this site to anyone? If so, who? Yes, my friend Sarah. WOOHOO SARAH!

10) How excited are you that hockey is back on? VERY – Can’t wait to go to a game Melissa! I sooo cant wait. I'm going to get Jacob a jersey for this season - I'm grooming my child to be a fanatic...I love it!

11) Are you nervous about having your picture on the Internet for the world to see? YES. Don't be - its a very flattering picture. Also, you never know...you might get a date out of it! Ohhh - thats next...pimping out my single friends. See, you gave me an idea.

Fruit and Vicks Vapor Rub

My health conscious boss walked into work this morning saying that he brought donuts for everyone. Totally awesome since I was starving. So I wait and then he pulls out one of those pre-packaged bowls of fruit and says "Now, how did those donuts turn into fruit?" Damn him, toying with my taste buds. I was just hungry, didn't matter what I was going to eat but now he's just rubbing in the bad eating habits thing in my face (which he's actually been doing for the past month, I just haven't been discussing it here). I tried to rationalize with him, saying that realistically he only sees one of my meals (lunch) and that's if I'm eating at my desk. When I'm eating at my desk, its because I made a run to some fast food joint while I'm doing errands and don't have the luxury of a healthy meal. True seems my other boss and I are all about Taco Bell at least once a week - but still! So the big joke with him is that I don't eat healthy (which I have been working on but since I don't bring my lunch to work sometimes it limits things you know?). Anyways, thought that was a funny way to start the day.

Speaking of funny - have you guys heard the George Lopez CD "Right Now, Right Now or Later, Later"? Oh my goodness, its hysterical. One of the things he talks about is how his mom used to put Vicks Vapor Rub on any kind of ailment -kind of like how the dad in My Big Fat Greek Wedding would use windex. Well, I don't know about your family but my mom would occasionally say that. Her big response to when one of use wasn't feeling well was to drink tea. Anyways, for the past few days I keep waking up with bug bites on my legs - I think its a flea bite but I don't have a dog or cat so I don't get how I keep getting bit and I was at my wits end trying to figure out how to at least get them to stop itching as much -I tried different creams but I'll be damned if any of them worked. My mom walks by and says "Why don't you put Vicks on it?" I did and it worked. Damn it!

So, last night I caught some of the Xgames - I totally missed out on MotoX Best Trick because I got grounded with a major headache. Never in my life had I needed to turn off the lights and put a damp wash cloth to try to soothe my pounding head. I took Tylenol - rubbed the temples...nothing. Took Advil - nothing. Then I asked my mom about what else to do - like rubbing lemons on the temple or something -I heard that somewhere and thought it was worth a shot. Then she comes in with limes with something on it and puts it on my temples and then uses a bandana to hold them down. I swear it did the trick, I was feeling better in like 20 minutes. So I ask her what else was on the limes and she said coffee and something else. I ask her what...she said Vicks.

JEREMY!!!!

SWEET!!!

Jeremy Roenick was traded to the Kings!

October can't come fast enough for this hockey fan.

The Donuts and my Blue D

I don't think its right to give smoker's unfair advantage at work. What is the advantage you ask? The smoking breaks. This has always bugged me - I am not a smoker, never have been - never will be. I dont need to have a fix of anything just so I can "go on" with my day. People will stop whatever it is that they are doing and go to the smoking area and gossip for about 20 minutes (2 or 3 times a day). While the non-smokers have to stay around and hold down the fort. So I dont know why today was the day, I revolted against it all. About 9:15am, I told my boss that I thought it was unfair that smokers were able to leave the office for up to an hour a day to get their fix. He looked at me with this " oh yeah and what are you going to do about it look" since this particular boss thinks that I have bad eating habits (he only sees me eat junk food at work) - I said the only thing I could. "I'm going to take my "vice break" and go get donuts. Want one?" Actually he didnt, but asked me to run into the market next door and pick up a pre-packaged salad for lunch. The two officers in my office were all over the idea and made their requests.

So this leads me to say how much I freaking love to work with the people I work with. I've always been lucky to work with people I actually like - meanwhile I think my bosses get a kick out of me and how opinionated I can be, which transitions to my original post for today.

I've been outed here at work. I work on a military base in a small conservative/Republican town. When I first started working on the base, I would keep my opinions to myself...I was not going to get into any political arguement with anyone I just met, I usually wait about a month to do that. Unless of course, you are asking for it.

So right now, I'm in the midst of planning this change of command ceremony where my current boss will get relieved by the Chief Test Pilot and move to the East Coast. Lots of fun in store. Part of my current responsibilities is creating the guest list. Well, they decided to add Arnold to the list - oh yeah, the big Govenator. I made some smart ass remark to my boss about how I'll do it under protest, but if they decide to invite Dubya, I wont be here. So I told the Chief Test Pilot about the whole thing and he looks at me and says "You arent one of THOSE liberals are you?" Mind you, I've heard their conversations and I know pretty much what their stance is on many things, I just decide to stay out of it. So I reply - Damn straight I am. And he got this look on his face like I was his mortal enemy! It was classic! Needless to say I've received some sort of Blue D to wear.

Fine Scott!

Ok, alright...since Scott is bitching about how there is no post today here goes...

I'm sorry I havent posted - I'm swamped with some preparation stuff for an upcoming ceremony that they moved up a month. I was going to post something great later, but nooooooooo.

Something weird happened to me last night. I was sound asleep and I woke up freezing at about 2am - I mean freezing like when someone dump a bucket of water on you. So I get up and put socks on and grab a blanket (there hasnt been much use of a blanket since its about mid 70's overnight in these neck of the woods). I touch my forehead, no fever - I go over to Jacob's bed and check if maybe its too cold and he's had an accident (ahh, potty training faux pas). So half asleep, I change his underwear and his shorts. Ok all is good-back to bed I go. At 4am - the same thing - freezing cold! I get up and the first thing that comes to mind is to check if Jacob had an accident - sure as shit he did! I couldnt believe it. I think some form of maternal instincts kicked in over night because thats never happened.

So thats my strange event of the evening. Tonight is Kathy Griffin's special on Bravo - I cant wait that girl is hysterical! I told you it was going to be a weak post.

Scott Cursed Me

I think Scott cursed me. I'M SO SORRY SCOTT!

I did not mean to insult you by saying that I arrived the moment that Mr. G put me on his links. I know that my existence slowly revolves more and more around you and your references to me in your blog.

This is part of the email conversation I got from Scotty.

Scott: i guess being linked from my blog since day one doesn't mean a god damn thing!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: It means everything but this is a complete stranger!!!!
Scott: pain....too.....much.....to.....deal........with............must....... .....move................on

Ok so funny Scott - always makes me laugh- all is well and I go to lunch. On my way off the parking lot - this white SUV is tailing me - great the base police that have nothing better to do and its trying to get me to do something so they can ticket me. So I'm being all paranoid and driving like a good driver and it turns out its not the base police and I speed off. Had to hit the bank up before the weekly outing to Taco Bell. I think I bumped something on the way in - maybe too close to the curb? Oh well - onward to the bank to do my bidness. Next stop Taco Bell which is about a block away to buy my lunch and about 5 other people's in my office area. I get the bag and I swore it was just too much for one bag but it will be fine. Off and running back to work - as I'm driving this guy is pointing to my back tire - "Its flat!" he says. GREAT! I pull into a parking lot and get out to verify (why I would think this guy would like I have no idea, but I still check). Fabulous - I have a flat tire, its 105 degrees outside, and I'm wearing a skirt and heels. What am I going to do? Call my ex - thats what.

Now this is where you need a little bit of a background so you know how funny this is to me. Part of the divorce agreement was that he gets first crack at car problems. He wanted it, I gave it to him. About 2 years ago, when I was dropping my mom off at her house I hit the curb, popped the tire, and (allegedly) ruined the front alignment. From then on, my car needs a new tire about every 3-6 months. I just drive the freaking thing - I don't mess it with. So my ex (and his gentlemenly gesture of taking care of my car's needs) complains when I say that the car needs ANYTHING involving the tires. Two weeks ago, he put two brand new tires in the front. So when I saw that I had a flat first thing that crossed my mind was "Crap, Brian is going to kill me" then I called and told him I had a flat first words out of his mouth were "WHAT? Its not any of the front tires I hope". He shows up and promptly tells me that the tire is ruined that he has to get yet another tire for my car - I guess I drove on it and ruined the outside and it can cause a bubble. At this point, he's still explaining and I'm thinking I'm Charlie Brown and he's the teacher "blah blah blah". So he's asking me what happened and I tell him how I think I ran over something. Now I dont know why - but he starts getting all CSI on me and trying to guess from the marks on the front tire and the flat tire what I did. Again I tell him that I don't know what happened and ever since the "tire popping" incident I dont take tight corners in driveways (which is sometimes true - true in this case just so you all know). So he figures that some dirt on the tire looks like I rubbed something with my front tire and then "it" popped my back tire. You know what? I don't give a shit. Fix my tire and let me get back to work so I can eat my Burrito Supreme (not to mention that I have lunch for those other people). When I finally get back to work I start pulling out all the food and nothing I ordered was in the bag - it ended up that the food was right the wrapping was wrong. I was seriously going to call the local Taco Bell and rip someone a new one. I am so happy to be sitting at my desk now - not much can happen to me except for a power outage.

BLOGS OF THE WEEK! Yes, I said BLOGS....

Yes yes - this week our featured Blog of the Week is a dual entry...why you ask? Well one I've never actually featured and the other one is linked through his. So off and running we go.

Mr G's World - this man is so witty and insightful, I look forward to reading his blog every day. If you've noticed he's been on my blog list for a bit now and has become a fan of yours truly - he even linked my blog to his (let me say that in my little blogger world, I'm so happy its as if I've arrived) not even my brother linked my blog to his...wound open, salt pouring...Anyways, its a great blog because its full of stories from the present and the past along with observations on whats going on.

Journal of a Disgusting Girl at Work - I have had hit and miss reviews of this blog but you know what - I freaking love it (thanks G!). Ok so to truly appreciate this blog you really should start from the beginning, it seems like a lot to read but it goes by rather quickly. Its about a man someone where in Texas and this blog is dedicated mostly to the complaning of this one girl he works with. Yesterday he posted that he walked into work and she was crying at her desk and didnt have time to post what he found out had happened and would post it today. I swear people, I bee-lined to my desk this morning and looked up his blog before I did anything else to find out what DG (Disgusting Girl) was crying about. Its like an addictive soap, seriously.

No really - I don't want to see your penis

What the hell about my profile screams - "Let me see your penis?" I got online earlier tonight someone had sent me an offline message saying "Hi" then another one that said "Care to chat?" then one more that said "I just updated my picture, take a look". DEAR GOD! I usually reserve my porn viewing until after 11pm when I'm safely alone to be a pervert - this was at about 8pm with everyone in the house milling about. I should have known better. Why should I have known better? This was not the first time this has happened - oh no. I get one of these penis shots about once a week. And I always find it funny that men (I'm hoping men) think that this would get a girl interested. I have a sense of humor and I'm of the "If a man is going to flash me in the street - I won't run away, I will point and laugh...very loudly" mentality. And its not only men that send me pictures, I actually had a girl actively pursued me on the net to come down to San Diego and have a weekend of fun with her. Thanks - but no thanks. Am I that damn cute? I think so - but that's not the point.

My question is - why do people do this? Is it the anonymity of the internet? The creation of an alter-ego? I was chatting with my friend Joel and he mentioned that he gets pictures of naked gals sent to him periodically. I tell him its because he's a stud - he laughs. Anyways - why people?

So - in the future, please don't just send me anonymous pictures of your penis, give me a little warning so I can open them at a proper time and place.